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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel miffed with my friend

38 replies

susiemj · 30/04/2008 15:14

who I've spoken to only twice in the four months since my baby was born. She has been working really hard, but I have found the time to call her.

She does great things, like coming 500 miles to see me if she has a couple of days off (which she did in my late pregnancy)but then I don't hear from her for months.

When I did speak to her I just got pissed off with having to summarise the last 16 weeks of my DD's life.

And yes, I know I'm being unreasonable, just wanted to mope....

OP posts:
Kif · 30/04/2008 15:16

Ach - it'll feel much longer for you than for her, because things are changing so fast for you.

That's what MN is for - announcing every minutiae of your baby's life in 'real time'!

Rubyrubyruby · 30/04/2008 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MargaretMountford · 30/04/2008 15:26

did you talk to her about her things and not just about your dd ?

Original poster
susiemj · 30/04/2008 15:34

Yes - we had a normal conversation. She's just having a film shown, so we talked about that as much as DD.

I just feel she does need to realise my life has changed so much, that if she doesn't know about it, there will be too much distance to cross at some point. I mean, having a child is life-changing and while I'm not going to tell her about what colour poo DD is doing I do think she needs to be there for me.

OP posts:
MargaretMountford · 30/04/2008 15:37

mmm, possibly,but you seem quite anxious about it all - I don't think it matters too much (imo) for her to have updates all the time, just because she doesn't have children

Original poster
susiemj · 30/04/2008 15:41

Well, I just want to have a chat with her really. The issue isn't just about me wanting her to hear about my daughter, I just need her to be a bit more of a friend. Soemthing which is exacerbated by having the baby, perhaps.

OP posts:
MargaretMountford · 30/04/2008 15:50

I think I was quite lucky that my childless friend stuck by me and nothing changed after ds was born (she was a bit afraid that things would change and of course they do a bit, but we realised I could still be the same as well as being a mum !)..there are things she can't share though but on the whole it's remained a pretty equal friendship..I always try not to go on too much about ds but she is genuinely interested in his happenings and now he's much older he even emails her.

Original poster
susiemj · 30/04/2008 16:26

I think I've decided she is being a bit unreasonable. But I do think she is genuinely busy and I don't think there's anything I can do about it unless I don't want her for a friend anymore, and that's not the case.

OP posts:
Egg · 30/04/2008 16:30

God I often don't speak to some of my friends for a few months at a time. I am busy with demanding small children and they are either the same, or busy with work or hectic social lives. As long as you do keep in touch surely that's all that matters?

Egg · 30/04/2008 16:31

Although if it is ALWAYS you that calls and never her, that's a bit off.

HonoriaGlossop · 30/04/2008 16:31

she 'needs to be there for me'

hmm. Friendship is given freely and shouldn't be thought of like that IMO. Most adults have many sort of fractured friendships because you're so busy and you're not seeing each other every day, but you just pick up the threads and get on with it

If you 'need her to be there', TELL her what you would like from her. She has not been in your situation, is busy, and does not have your needs at the forefront of her daily life, I shouldn't think...

I think you are expecting a little much, and are being a little unrealistic about a long distance friendship.

foxythesnowfox · 30/04/2008 16:35

Motherhood doesn't change friendships, but it does change their dynamics and how they work.

Almost all of my old pre-children friends fall into this pattern. We don't see/hear from each other for weeks or months, but when we do, it all falls into place again.

Please don't write off her friendship.

What I have found is that my local mum mates are my day-to-day friends, who I talk children, schools, poo with. But my old friends still have their place, and I value the longevity of our friendship dispite the different lives we live.

llareggub · 30/04/2008 16:35

I think someone without children would probably curl up with boredom faced with a description of the first 16 weeks of a baby's life.

I think you are being a little over-demanding. Your friend will just not understand how much your life has changed with the birth of your baby and may well be going all manner of emotions.

One of my childless friends told me months after I'd given birth that she deliberately stayed away because she wanted to give me and husband space. Another told me that she was insanely jealous and found it too difficult to see our baby. She had just divorced and was dealing with that and wondering if she'd ever have a baby herself.

Perhaps this is more about her than you?

llareggub · 30/04/2008 16:36

Sorry, just re-read my message and it seems a bit harsh.

Twiglett · 30/04/2008 16:37

I lost a good friend after the birth of my first child, I realised our relationship was built around my interest in her and her life and not in a mutual interest in each other.

no doubt she isn't interested in your child beyond the 'ahhh how cute' phrasing .. don't expect her to be

Twiglett · 30/04/2008 16:39

my friend was far more interested in her book being sold to Greece then in my 3 month old when we finally met

7 years down the line she is still doing the same thing

Original poster
susiemj · 30/04/2008 17:46

Mmm - I'm finding this very interesting, if a bit surprising. Please go on..

OP posts:
GooseyLoosey · 30/04/2008 17:51

One of my closest friends only gets in touch every few months or so. Our lives have taken wildly divergent paths and anything more would just not work. When we do meet up we try and talk about common interests rather than my dcs. What matters is that I know in an emergency she would be there for me. Dynamics of relationships do change over time but the strength of your friendship does not need to.

Original poster
susiemj · 30/04/2008 18:38

I suppose I'll reconsider......

OP posts:
foxythesnowfox · 30/04/2008 19:02

Its my oldest friends who remind me who I am, not just XXX mum.

Minkus · 30/04/2008 19:05

I wouldn't expect my non-parent friends to all of a sudden be especially intersted in my new motherhood status. in fact I'm pretty glad that I've got some friends who just don't "get" the motherhood bit cos then I've got an excuse not to be a mum in my head when we get together
Yes there might be a bit of distance between how your respoective lives map out but be glad of those differences, they will keep things exciting!

CristinaTheAstonishing · 30/04/2008 19:11

One of my friends has had her second child a month ago. I phoned her twice since. I think she's busier than me at this stage and it's for her to find the time to call, not me to disturb her.

Fllight · 30/04/2008 19:15

Are you still there for her?

Your life has changed, but hers is still happening - just because you have had a great experience and event, it doesn't mean she has to tag along - do you still support and listen to all her daily decisions and developments?

Travelling 500 miles to see you is a massive deal and can't have been easy.

I think perhaps you are expecting a bit too much...have you any other support closer to home?

When I had my first child, my best friend found it very hard to understand, and who could blame her, but now she has two of her own and is in the same position in that way so we are close again.

Maybe if one day your friend has her own children, you might find that happens to you. Meanwhile try to develop friendships near to where you live. Keep in touch occasionally with her, but tbh I don't understand how she would be able to 'be there for you;' in the way you describe if she hasn't got this in common with you, has her own busy life and is 500 miles away!!

Trolleydolly71 · 30/04/2008 19:22

Message withdrawn

milkmoustache · 30/04/2008 19:35

All of my important friendships and relationships have changed since having DD (now 3), and not always for the better. But I've tried to really appreciate those child-free friends who absolutely love having contact with DD, rather than mourning those who have become a bit distant. And it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the progress of your first-born darling is more fascinating/important than anything else your child-free friend could be doing - even if you try your best to hide it!!