..to be afraid of going on SSRIs or any similar mood altering medication?

[Robinbauble]

TLDR: scared of mind being altered by medication after a psychologically abusive relationship. AIBU to be scared?

I have managed to avoid them for years, basically by just holding on, having more (trauma) therapy and hoping things will get better. They’ve been mentioned by GP and psychologist in the past.

Now clinical psychologist (I’m not in the U.K. but it’s exactly the same professional level/status as at home, but more like a counselling psychologist as they give long term therapy here) has told me she thinks I need to take medication to help me change my thought patterns. I’m stuck in negative /self-critical thinking with years of suicidal thoughts (not acting on them - I’d never ever leave my children with my ex) that just isn’t changing. I see these self-critical thoughts as reality.

My big problem is that I was in a long term psychologically abusive marriage. It was SO full of gaslighting, that at one longish period, I didn’t have control of my own thoughts. That feeling not not knowing anything, of having no solid ground under me was horrific. So I’m absolutely petrified of a doctor prescribing something to alter my mind. I mean panic attack level petrified.

I don’t know - which is why I’m asking here - if I’m BU and should just at least try it. I know for certain this psychologist would not recommend it if she thought there was an alternative on offer. This is definitely not her first method and I’ve been with her torching time.

When I type it out it kind of sounds unreasonable, but I really feel like I’ve failed too in not being able to win over what my ex did to me. Now I have to let someone else alter my mind.

I know this is AIBU but please, if you for some reason want to attack me, don’t. I’m not ok or I wouldn’t be asking about this - and I’m asking here because the mental health board is quite quiet. Also, made a new username just for this post.

“I’ve been with her torching time” = I’ve been with her for a long time.

Mmmmm. Mood altering. So you'll be happier. Is this what frightens you?

I found SSRIs incredibly helpful (after the first 10 days which felt dreadful, just to warn you!). I didn't feel in any way not like myself. I just felt like a calm me. Definitely still like myself in every way apart from the spiralling thought patterns leaping to worst possible outcome of every situation.

It was lovely. I would have stayed on them forever if I could!

Anecdotally I've been on the maximum doses of various SSRIs for decades (currently sertraline) and not a single one has changed my personality.

If only.

Edit: sorry to quote the entire OP.

Following as similar to op

I take an SSRI and have done off and on for many years. They have totally change my life and allowed me to function. They aren't for everyone. My emotions are like a wave, they go up and down. What the drug does for me is reduce the amplitude of the wave so my downs are not as down, I personally believe this means my highs are not as high. This doesn't mean I don't feel happy and love but it does mean I don't feel ESTATIC and like I want to go on a spending spree. I am on a minimum dose and it just takes the edge off. I think it actually means my true personality comes through more.

I'm not going to tell you what to do or not do, that is a decision for you and your medical professionals. I'm just going to tell you my experience with SSRIs in case that helps.

I've been on a SSRI (various different ones) for around 15 years. For me, it takes the edge off my anxiety and depression so I can function and put therapy work into practise. I still feel like myself, just a less anxious and miserable one. I don't feel like my mind has been altered and if anything feel more in control of my life as my MH conditions are less dominant.

I'd also say there's no shame in requiring MH medication and you haven't failed because you need therapeutic help and/or medicines.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think you need to know more about the meds as you have a bit of a mistake in your perception of them. I would not call them mind altering. That gives awful images of when they have characters on tv in a drug haze seeing swirling shapes and cartoon characters. It is not like that st all.
ssris help to boost your serotonin. Serotonin is the chemical of ‘I have got this’ or ‘today is going to be a good day’, of being able to laugh at a joke or see the good in the small things.
So think of it more as having a tiny motivational cheerleader hanging out in your brain giving you some encouragement.
Go on, give it a go.

Clinical Psychologist here. I have never recommended someone starts SSRI’s as that is outside of my professional remit. Also we tend not to work in a medicalised way (although some do more so than others) so rarely see the solution as being to take medication, especially for something like ‘changing thoughts’. It is difficult to know her rationale without knowing the full clinical details. If a client wanted to discuss medication with me then I would do so in an open and balanced way, considering the possible negatives and positives but the decision would be the clients.

Anyway - you aren’t being unreasonable at all. I would encourage you to do your own independent research into the potential risks and benefits of the medication that can inform your decision. You could make another appointment with your GP to discuss this, as this is very much their remit. Taking any psychotropic medication is a personal choice and what worked for one person, may not work for another. Ultimately this is YOUR choice and please do not feel obligated to agree in order to ‘please’ your psychologist. It is absolutely fine to not take the medication - there are other non medicine options that can be considered e.g, do you need a different approach/therapeutic modality here? Your psychologist should be discussing those with you.

Wishing you all the best.

My experience is similar to @Sistertwo’s. My anxiety had got out of hand and what the medication does is prevent me from reaching the same level of anxiety. I’m still me, I just don’t get irrationally anxious about things anymore. As a result, i can think more logically and find better solutions, instead of panicking and feeling miserable.

I started out on 20mg and am now on a maintenance dose of 10mg. Wishing you all the best. 💐

It doesn't really alter your mind. It prevents your brain from reabsorbing serotonin which increases levels of the hormone in your body and makes it easier to cope with stressors.
I've been on it before. Lowest dose, some would argue - subtherapeutic. It did its job and I came off it 9 months later.

This is how I would describe it. Just felt like I could be my true self without the spiralling worry and catastrophising. I could live in the here and now and enjoy life. I still had normal day to day concerns and worries like every other person but I could rationalise them. I had to push though the physical side effects at the beginning in but nothing was worse than how I was feeling mentally so for me the short term physical effects were worth it

I have taken Sertraline for many years at varying doses. It gave me my life, and mind, back which depression had taken from me.

Now I have to let someone else alter my mind

But it’s you who will be choosing to take the medication. Perhaps you could reframe this as “Now I can alter my own mind in a positive way”

I can understand where your fear comes from - it sounds quite rational given your experience. I don’t know if this will help but I have had depression and anxiety for a very long time and been on various antidepressants for decades. The only thing I’ve ever taken that made me very open to suggestion and loosened my grip on reality was magic mushrooms. Antidepressants just don’t do that. In fact, because they can quieten some of the anxiety and negativity that is constantly impacting you, you might find you have a clearer picture of things. It’s hard to recognise while you’re deep within it but anxiety and depression skew everything. Little things going wrong can seem like catastrophes and obstacles seem insurmountable. It’s the illness that alters you. Antidepressants take away the weight of stress and anxiety and you don’t realise until it’s eased just how heavy the burden was.

They’re not magic and they alone won’t stop the negative/self critical thinking but the therapy has a much better chance of working for you if you’re in a better state to engage with it.

I think it's important to remember that this is a 100% reversible decision.

You would not be taking some kind of irrevocable step. If you don't like it, you can stop taking them.

In your situation, it sounds as though you have got more to gain than you have to lose. SSRIs can take the edge off your worst emotions, allowing you to do more work in therapy with less pain.

I took them when I was younger, and certainly never experienced them as what I would call "mind altering". I was still me and still had the same perceptions. They weren't without side effects (they blunted my positive emotions as well), but they were definitely the better option for me at the time.

I would think of them more as an emotional painkiller, rather than as something that alters your perception of reality.

I had the same fears as you, and put off taking anti depressants for a while, with PND and PTSD. I personally didn't get on with the one I took (fluoxitine) as made me very nauseous and feel numb, but was then prescribed an anti anxiety medication (pregabalin) which worked brilliantly for me, and calmed me enough that I could access talking therapies in a productive way, and after 6 months I gradually weaned off them.

I tell my story to (hopefully) let you know

• you aren't alone in your fears regarding these meds

-that you can start a medication, and if it doesn't work for you, you can try another

• that it can be a means to acheive a way forward, a positive step you can choose to make to hopefully help you heal from the trauma you have been through

Sending you hope and hugs

Thanks everybody. Really big thanks. I appreciate it - and to the kids who deleted probably upsetting posts before I saw them. To reply to a few points (I am on my phone so can't scroll up easily and won't post lots of quote replies).

My concern about mind altering isn't so much that I'll become a different person (which could be a plus!), it's that someone altered my thought patterns and processes for years. I'm still fighting to know that I have control of them. Taking medication that alters thought patterns, even if only in a positive way, is reminiscent of that. I don't drink, for example, because once there's even a small reaction to it, it's the alcohol that caused me to think/feel X, not me. I absolutely hate that feeling of not having control of my mind.

It's interesting to hear people say it makes/made them feel more like themselves, and able to get on with life without so much burden. I hadn't thought about that, but I'd have to say it's true that I spend an extraordinary amount of energy trying to be myself right now.

The psychologist has explicitly, repeatedly told me its my choice. She would like me to benefit from the therapy more and has seen medication for people in my situation help. What she would like is me to consider it and to talk to a psychiatrist. The trouble is I am so deeply stressed by the idea, that I can't properly engage in conversation about it - even alone in my own head!

I'm on my 3rd lot (over 14) years of citalopram.
The first 2 times I stopped taking them within a year.
5 years ago I feel into a deep depression which I couldn't climb out of no matter how hard I tried to avoid ssri's and I've been on my current prescription 2&1/2 years and I've been through some of the most stressful times whilst on this medication and managed to held myself together. I really owe them my sanity.
I think you should try them and give them a fair amount of time to work and then decide from there.

I sould see ut ss mood restoring getting the balance back to where it would be if you had not suffered the trauma.

@Letsbe This isn’t true, unfortunately. Trauma cannot be ‘cured’ by medication.

There is research which does show the harms of this type of medication. There can also be benefits. It very much depends on the person. I’d encourage the OP to do her own research for now, to see if this will make her more informed and/or able to speak with her GP/psychiatrist to find out more if she so wishes.

This is very true, trauma cannot be cured or forgotten through meds. But they can stabilise mood enough to enable productive engagement with a psychologist, so cn be a helpful short to medium term option to allow a person to heal. In the same way that crutches don't heal a broken leg, but they allow a person to take weight off the leg for the bone to heal

Nope. Your instincts are right.

Get a better therapist and start doing solid work on changing how you think. Once you start them it’s hard to get off them and too many women have been fobbed off with them for years.

Yes - for some people, not all. There are very valid reasons for deciding not to take any psychotropic medication.

As a clinical psychologist if I was working with a client and they weren’t ’getting better’ I would very much be thinking about my own approach, the therapeutic modality I was using, and what I could do differently that could make a positive difference to the efficacy of the therapy. I wouldn’t even think about the client starting on SSRI’s, unless they brought this up.