..to be afraid of going on SSRIs or any similar mood altering medication?

[Robinbauble]

TLDR: scared of mind being altered by medication after a psychologically abusive relationship. AIBU to be scared?

I have managed to avoid them for years, basically by just holding on, having more (trauma) therapy and hoping things will get better. They’ve been mentioned by GP and psychologist in the past.

Now clinical psychologist (I’m not in the U.K. but it’s exactly the same professional level/status as at home, but more like a counselling psychologist as they give long term therapy here) has told me she thinks I need to take medication to help me change my thought patterns. I’m stuck in negative /self-critical thinking with years of suicidal thoughts (not acting on them - I’d never ever leave my children with my ex) that just isn’t changing. I see these self-critical thoughts as reality.

My big problem is that I was in a long term psychologically abusive marriage. It was SO full of gaslighting, that at one longish period, I didn’t have control of my own thoughts. That feeling not not knowing anything, of having no solid ground under me was horrific. So I’m absolutely petrified of a doctor prescribing something to alter my mind. I mean panic attack level petrified.

I don’t know - which is why I’m asking here - if I’m BU and should just at least try it. I know for certain this psychologist would not recommend it if she thought there was an alternative on offer. This is definitely not her first method and I’ve been with her torching time.

When I type it out it kind of sounds unreasonable, but I really feel like I’ve failed too in not being able to win over what my ex did to me. Now I have to let someone else alter my mind.

I know this is AIBU but please, if you for some reason want to attack me, don’t. I’m not ok or I wouldn’t be asking about this - and I’m asking here because the mental health board is quite quiet. Also, made a new username just for this post.

@Plastictrees I am sorry if I was not clear. I am not sure anything can cure trauma. I think you csn learn to deal with it and nedication can help.

My DD gas been on antidepressants for 4 years.They allowed her to function, get back into education, and access therapy to help her trauma.
For the last couple of years as she improves we have been cutting back the dose and hope to have her off them entirely by next summer if not earlier.

I'm on 100mg Sertraline, a well known SSRI. I will never stop taking it if can! It has made me actually live my life - before, all I had was constant anxiety. I didn't even have any issues at all with it in that first week everyone dreads, I was lucky in that respect. If you've been prescribed an SSRI by your GP, take it. Don't be like me and stick it in a drawer for two years for fear of side effects. Do what your GP says.

@Robinbauble I read your post more carefully, SSRIs aren't mind altering, I don't even know if they're considered "mood altering"?! I had a similar worry, I asked my GP if I'd still be myself on them (looking back I was clueless about what they actually do!) - she said they're just taking the edge off my anxiety and depression, they're not a lobotomy and they are definitely not personality altering.

I've been on them for a year and can report I have the same personality, for better or worse!

I have been on SSRIs for around 18 years, they help me stay calm & function.

I haven’t felt any thought / personality changes or confusion just a lowered base level of anxiety so I can deal with the stressors of life better.

I don’t think my therapy would have been as effective if I wasn’t using medication as a support.

How would you feel if suddenly those SSRI were cut off? 18 years is a long time so your probably addicted and no further on in dealing with the issues that got you where you are.

Honestly absolutely no judgement, I just hate that women are put on these long term instead of being helped properly

@Ludovico I’ve chosen to stay on a low dose SSRI long term because until I was on them I thought having regular suicidal thoughts was “ normal “ for me . I think its about what suits the individual, I have mood issues related to my hormonal cycle ,so that’s not something that is necessarily changed by therapy, although I have done a lot of other work to help my mental health . OP@Robinbauble sometimes to be able to engage with therapy you have to be able to move out of the fight/ flight/ freeze response…there’s lots of other techniques you can use to engage with traumatic history but sometimes you have to give yourself a leg up to get started and for some people, SSRI’s will do this.

@Robinbauble www.irenelyon.com has some free resources on her page ( and YouTube videos ) that can explain why trauma can make people incredibly stuck in 1 place and struggle to move forward, and some simple techniques that may help you. Talking therapy alone never worked for me as I needed a body centred technique and I hear your need to be in control. Peter Levine is another ( www.somaticexperiencing.com) who you may find interesting to read….if you have a strong need to remain in control you sometimes have to learn to reengage and trust in your own body and mind before you can begin to be vulnerable with ,and supported by , a talking therapist.

@Picklepopple I get that. I have a Teenage family member who is having her hormones check for the same thing. Have you ever considered alternative route for your cycle - like specific hormone replacement or alternative remedies like CPD oil or mushrooms? Genuinely interested.

I looked in to it quite a bit as was offered them when going through PND - the drugs my doctor prescribed were anti psychotics. Went down a bit of a rabbit hole on women being prescribed medication long term. Hope your doing ok 💐

@Ludovico likewise it was due to PND that I ended up on them long term … being female certainly has a bad historical rep when it comes to mental health care! I did try to argue my case with the psychiatrist for being given progesterone straight after my next birth but they didn’t seem that interested in planning ahead ,so I did have PND again but went on meds within 2 wks so didn’t have it quite so bad as the first time .My daughter has very similar issues to me and she’s on Agnus castus in the second half of her cycle which does seem to help. I’m on HRT now too ,CPD oil didn’t help but certainly think the research on mushrooms / psilocybin is really interesting!

Ive just looked at Agnus Castus - didn’t know about that and will mention it to my family member also might have a look at it for my 11 year old who has just started her period.

How are you feeling on the HRT? I’ve just gone on it. Would you consider coming off the SSRI to see if you’ve levelled out a bit?

Psilocybin is very interesting indeed. I’ve watched a few programs on it. I’m having mushroom blend supplements too. Not sure if it’s the HRT and or the mushroom blend but I seem to be doing ok ( touch wood)

@Ludovico generally agnus castus isn’t advised for under 16’s but tbh we were a bit desperate to try anything at that point as didn’t get much support from GP. HRT is great for me as I have the mirena,and progesterone being at a more consistent level really helps me…I have thought about coming off the SSRI but as I have pain issues it makes me nervous to disturb the balance! I do think post menopause I may be less prone to the ups and downs. Good to hear the mushroom complex is working for you, it’s always interesting to hear what works for people other than prescribed meds,.

I took Sertraline (20mg) for 18 months following a particularly difficult period 4 years ago when my mum was diagnosed with a terminal illness and both my wife and I were having difficulties at work and home. I had a background of periods of depression and anxiety issues from my early 20s (now 35) but had always dealt with it fairly well until that point. As others have said, it literally gave me my life back and took away the feelings of constant dread and numbness. It doesn't alter your personality in any way.

There are a few not great side effects at the beginning (I had issues with my bloating, insomnia and weight gain) but this all eased off within around a week.

The only reason I came off them was I went in holiday and forgot to take my meds with me. If I found myself in that position again, I'd absolutely go back on them.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do. From my experience it does feel like a huge step, but the results can literally be life changing.

You’re not stuck on them if you go on them. You can taper off and decide to try something different, and find one you get on with. They just take the edge off. They aren’t mind altering at all. Trust in my 26 years experience with mental health! You sound as if you could do with a boost. You have nothing to lose. X

I can only talk from my own perspective - when I had ptsd and postnatal anxiety, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep (at 1 point I went 2 full weeks without sleep, which I didn't think was humanly possible, but turns out it is), couldn't sit for more than 5 mins, was retching constantly, i was suicidal through not being able to live in that 'torture'. I do not have your clinical expertise, but I don't think any psychologist, no matter how skilled, could have reached me in a productive way at that point. For me it took medication (anti anxiety, pregabalin) to calm me to a point I could sleep, eat and be calm enough to engage with my psychologist. Meds are not a cure, but they are a tool to enable a person to be in the right space to move forward. And I had to fight for them, my first psychiatrist refused to prescribe, it was only when I moved in with my parents for my own safety, in a different area that the new psychiatrist recognised my distress and enable me to move forward. I owe that psychiatrist my life, and I owe my psychologist giving me the courage to move forward and have a 2nd child.

I am a health care professional though, and I do recognise that sometimes what a patient needs is not within my skills to give, it needs another professional, and that's no reflection on my skill level.

I would strongly recommend them.

It sounds like your expectation is that they'll make you feel robot-like, or devoid of yourself and any feelings. That absolutely isn't the case. You'll still fully be control of yourself. The best way I could describe would be to call them "don't give a shit" pills. Those constant minor worries taking over your thoughts so you don't have time to relax and think about nice stuff? Gone. Self doubt and second guessing yourself? Gone. Feeling like 'you' after so very long of having lost who you are? Here!!

I'd really give them a try.

Speak as you find; a close friend became badly depressed after several traumatic life events. It took a great deal of persuasion to get him to the doctors, but he eventually agreed. As I understand it, he had exhausted the natural supply of some chemicals in his brain, and they had to be gradually topped up again (I'm not a doctor; this was just how it was explained to me).
On the first visit, I drove him there, sat in on the interview at his request as he couldn't articulate his distress, and from there we progressed to my taking him and sitting in the waiting room, to him quite prepared to get there under his own steam.
The effect was not immediate, but gradually he regained the ability to get to grips with his difficulties, and his personality re-emerged. He had previously dismissed the idea of counselling, but agreed to it, to good effect.
A few years later, he had another run of bad luck. This time, he knew what was coming, and went to the doctor's of his own accord, before things got really bad.
Drugs on their own probably won't do the trick, but they can help you to make the most of other therapies.

@Robinbauble
If you don't like the idea of SSRIs, might you consider a serotonin boosting supplement? Available at health food stores, via Amazon etc.

5HTP is a serotonin precursor - so if you take that, your body can then make more serotonin as it needs, but it's only doing what it requires naturally.

Similarly, you can buy GABA (another calming neurotransmitter), but if you preferred, you can take L-theanine, which is an amino acid and a GABA precursor.

Both of these supplements give your body the building blocks it needs to produce calming neurotransmitters, and might be helpful.

Personally I don't get on with SSRIs (no changes to personality or how I think, no changes to any of the things that make me essentially me, but they just dull the ups and downs so much that I become apathetic and inert, so not helpful for me), but found these supplements very helpful to manage some depressive symptoms and peri menopause anxiety, so might be worth you looking into them. Do your own research so that you can feel confident in whatever decisions you make.

Equally, I know various people who have found SSRIs to be positively game changing for them. And sometimes they have needed to try several SSRIs before they done one that works for them.

Many options (including different therapeutic approaches, medication is not the only way) - hope you find the one that works best for you.

Yes trauma-focused therapy would not be indicated or effective at such a time of crisis. This is very different from what I’ve read in the OP. There is also a big difference between anxiety medication often given in crisis for short periods of time (often on an as and when needed basis) and long term use of SSRI’s and other psychotropic medication.

As I’ve said repeatedly, medication is not a one size fits all approach and it is a personal decision for any individual.

I am glad you are feeling better now.

@Robinbauble
I was in a different place to you when I started taking them.
I very much didn't feel like myself, I had lost myself to the anxious thoughts. So much so I didn't even realise I was depressed.
I remember so clearly one day after about 4 weeks of taking them, suddenly having a (fleeting) moment of happiness and realised I hadn't been happy in a long time.
Over the next 4 weeks, I became more and more like my old self.

I had put off taking them for such a long time for similar reasons to you.

You say you don't know what the old you is and you're trying to find yourself, and you don't want medication to alter that you. I think that perhaps that is the anxiety/depression talking.
The medication would hopefully offer you the space to find you without those anxious and depressed thoughts raging and consuming you (that's how I felt before I was on them).

It came take some time to find the right one/dose.

If you do start them, start slowly. I started on half the initial dose for a few days. When you decide it's time to come off then, wait until spring (no one should be thinking off coming off antidepressants heading into winter!), and then take it slowly - even slower than the doctors recommend.

I think what I found hardest is recognising what normal emotional ups and downs are. It isn't normal to have only have ups (or downs). There are times when everyone feels a low. It's recognising what a normal low is, versus what you have been living with for a while.