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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said no to parents at christmas

68 replies

scarfonthestairs · 10/12/2024 06:12

I need to untangle all of this from my head and I am (I think) prepared to be told ibu but would like advice if you think I am.
TW- talk of csa.

This year I had a breakdown after years of coping with childhood sexual abuse.
My parents were aware of childhood sexual abuse and my dad at the time "dealt" with it by having a chat with the person and saying it was sorted. It wasn't it continued afterwards. I bought it up years later and he called me a slut. We've never spoken about it since.
They saw I'd had a breakdown (see me several times a week) but never once asked why or offered support other than the minimal. I self harmed dreadfully through this time which I eventually told them but they've never supported me about.
Every year since we've had children they've come for Christmas Dinner. They've never contributed. Our children love them coming.
Thus year after a huge amount of therapy I've realised that my dad has been emotionally abusive all my life to me and my mom. I decided along with dh that I didn't want them coming for dinner. We approached this when they asked saying due to breakdown just wanted us and children for Xmas Dinner but could come in morning or evening for a bit. Like inlaws do.
My mom said it was fine. My dad told my daughter before we'd been able to and was passive aggressive about the whole thing saying he could die before next Xmas, they'd be eating on there own having beans on toast (they wont) and other things to upset her.
I have also got another sibling who lives over an hour away and never invites them.
Last week dad got pneumonia. They're also looking at cancer for him. I feel now so guilty. What if this is his last Christmas? Also he has no idea that I'm aware of emotional abuse, this is a bolt from the blue for him really as he's lived his life like this and suddenly I've started to remove ourselves and have a more "normal" relationship.
I feel so dreadfully guilty and don't know what to do. I know whats right for me and what's right for me to do for everyone else.

OP posts:

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 10/12/2024 07:29

@scarfonthestairs I am shocked at your parents just "having a word" with your abuser!! anyone else would have beaten them to a pulp before going to the police!! your duty is to your family, not your extended family! your dad sounds horrible and you should never feel guilt ridden about your stronger actions now. perhaps it is about time for your sis to step up but maybe she has had the measure of them for a lot longer than you. your mother is no better by allowing any of this to happen!! you and your family have a good guilt free christmas xxx

RubyRedBow · 10/12/2024 07:29

Commented on wrong thread.

Chickenwing2 · 10/12/2024 07:37

I would be cutting this man out of my life. He is disgusting and doesn't deserve a relationship with you.

Do you speak to your sibling? They have been through similar to you so it might help you to talk about it with them/they can reassure you.

Put yourself first. And be angry, not guilty x

SensibleSigma · 10/12/2024 07:45

If you want to remove all dram and judgement from your decision making, think of it like this…

He has organised his entire life around what he wants. Other people have gone along with it.

Now you are organising your life around what you want- Christmas with your husband and dc. That is perfectly reasonable.

^^ that’s the calm, logical way of thinking about it.

Add in emotion and judgement- the man is an abusive arse and has no right to be in your company regardless of his health. He has no right to see you again, under any circumstance.

You get to choose how you live and who you see.
However- your DC don’t. Give them the benefit of your learned wisdom and freedom- limit their access to abusive arseholes.

TeeBee · 10/12/2024 07:49

So you feel he shouldn't feel the consequences of his own behaviour before he dies?? Yeah, you have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty for. Nothing.

Tanktanktank · 10/12/2024 07:50

You have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about OP.

You must look after yourself and your family especially after the way he spoke to your daughter.

your parents failed you but the world is a different place now where certain behaviours of the past are no longer tolerated or quietly hidden.

TW - reporting it

would you not consider reporting it and have the perpetrator convicted?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/12/2024 07:52

Bloody hell OP I’m so sorry for you. You don’t deserve parents like that and I can’t believe you’re still in contact- do not invite them.

user1471538283 · 10/12/2024 07:54

Neither of them protected you or cared about the aftermath. I've always told my two I'd have blood on my hands if anyone ever touched them. And I've acted when they've needed me even if they didn't know they did. That's parenting.

So why should you care about their emotional blackmail? You need your energy to focus on recovery and your own family.

It makes me so cross that you see shit parents expecting things their way yet again purely on the basis they are older.

IknowIputitsomewhere · 10/12/2024 07:56

scarfonthestairs · 10/12/2024 07:09

Thank you for your msgs. @TipsyCoralOtter your story touched a nerve, yes he's either lovely and funny or horrible so i never know where I am.
I worry that maybe I'm building this up. What if he's not as bad as in making him out to be?

What if your partner was treating your daughter in the way your father treated you? Would that be okay with you? Would you stand back and watch and make excuses for him? Of course not. Then why should it be okay that your father got to treat his daughter like that?

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Lemonadeand · 10/12/2024 08:05

So your father has emotionally abused you throughout your life and is now emotionally manipulating your daughter. He deserves to be eating beans on toast on Christmas Day.

SomePosters · 10/12/2024 08:08

He is trying to bully you into getting his own way again.

When we withdraw our power from people who control us they rarely take it well.

Deep breath, they only thing you owe anyone her is yourself. Stick to the plan you made with your therapist which you made for good reason.
Let your husband explain to your daughter that her grandparents are adults who feed themselves every other day and that he is really looking forward to Xmas dinner being lots less work so Xmas is more time for playing

2025istheyear · 10/12/2024 08:11

I think you should do what is best for you and your family.

You have been through a lot.

You are a caring sensitive person some people aren’t.

You will have to resign yourself to boxing off your emotions and ignoring your inclination to want to please your Dad as in the long run you are hurting yourself.

Glad you are in therapy.

You can get justice for the SA now if you feel strong enough. Maybe more victims will come forward.

Nolegusta · 10/12/2024 08:12

Sounds like he's still trying to be emotionally abusive to you OP, and potentially including your children in it too. YANBU to not want him there at Christmas. It's a shame your mum has to miss out on the family time, as it sounds like she's not an issue like he is (?)- that's not your fault, but rather his. Manipulative people don't automatically become nice just because they get old, sadly.

Whatsitreallylike · 10/12/2024 08:16

You have done nothing wrong. He was emotionally abusive to you and has now moved onto your daughter. That would be enough for me to cut ties permanently.

HollyChristmas · 10/12/2024 08:18

I'm guessing your abuser is a family member on his side ?
Remember that all those years ago when you needing him to step up to protect you , he didn't.
Have the Christmas you want , and don't feel an iota of any guilt about it .

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 10/12/2024 08:18

Gosh OP. You’re well within your right to bar him from your house completely on Christmas. Is he going to ruin it by being sulky anyway? You’re absolutely not responsible for caring for him / being there for him during his illness.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/12/2024 08:19

scarfonthestairs · 10/12/2024 07:09

How can he not be as bad as you are making him out to be? He is worse than that. You told your father about your csa, and instead of going to the police, he allowed it to continue. That's pretty much as bad as it can get from a parent.

He shouldn't be allowed anywhere near your children. He is not a safe person, either for you or for them.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 10/12/2024 08:19

There’s nothing that special about’last Christmases’. Don’t let it affect your decision. Do what you need to do.

TheyDidntBurnWitchesTheyBurntWomen · 10/12/2024 08:22

Fucking hell it was like reading about my own dad for a minute. OP I used to get so torn up over if I was wrong for wanting distance because the parents are absolutely convinced they did their best they genuinely believe that and that makes us/you confused.

What jumped out to me was your dads comments to your dd. That's emotional manipulation and could be harmful. Use the protective instincts you have for your dd to give you the strength. Allow him more into your life your dd gets that treatment more thus eroding her boundaries and becoming used to such treatment and eventually being treated that way by partners in future....

My dad actually died last year. I sat in his funeral and ducked my head to pretend to look sad. I was all torn up am I wrong for wanting less to do with him when he was alive and then he died and I realised there was nothing healthy or good there just endless stress and guilt

TiramisuThief · 10/12/2024 08:22

I voted YABU but that might have been wrong looking at the responses!

I meant yabu for feeling guilty

Your dad is a dreadful person, it's ok to not want to see him. You are a victim of abuse and he couldn't show you the slightest affection? No wonder you had a breakdown.

Yanbu in fact if you never wanted to clap eyes on him again tbh.

Richard1985 · 10/12/2024 08:26

You need to block him from your life completely. How dare he do that to your daughter!

CheekySnake · 10/12/2024 08:30

I feel for you, OP. I cut my father off in my teens because he was so horrendous and I recognise a lot of the behaviour you are describing. There was domestic abuse/violence/coercive control growing up. He's dead now and I am proud of the fact that my children never had to breathe the same air as him. Whatever else happens, I know I got that right.

You've talked about him blowing hot and cold and never knowing where you are. This is really common in an abusive relationship dynamic. If he was awful all the time, you would just cut him off. It would be easy. But when it's unpredictable and there are crumbs of niceness, it's so much harder. It's weaponised niceness, though. It isn't real. It's used to keep you tied to the relationship. It's called a variable reward system. There have been studies done with birds where they push a button to get food. If they always get food, or never get any, they only press when hungry/don't press it at all. However if they only sometimes get food and cannot predict when it will happen, they press it constantly (social media sites tap into this same behaviour). Abusers use this too.

You aren't responsible for your parents. They are grown adults and can deal with their own mess. Please read up on people pleasing - I think it might help.

Take care.

Dinosweetpea · 10/12/2024 08:32

I would have gone non contact years ago and he wouldn't be anywhere near my children. Have you had therapy for the SA? It might also help to untangle the relationship with him which is based on emotional abuse. He will never be the father you needed him to be then or now.

OrangeSlices998 · 10/12/2024 08:34

scarfonthestairs · 10/12/2024 07:09

No good parents response to CSA is to call the victim (his daughter!!!!!) a slut. At that point in your OP I knew my gut reaction was he is an abusive twat and you don’t owe him your peace. I am so sorry for what you’ve been through

Stormyweatheroutthere · 10/12/2024 08:35

Cancer indeed... How convenient?
Your dc don't really know him do they? I dare say Fred West could have put on a show when it suited him.
Back away and please take your dc with you.

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