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Original poster

To have lost my profession, my calling.

148 replies

LichenLights · 09/12/2024 21:41

I am (or was) an illustrator of 28 yrs. Mostly self employed, lows and highs, but many, many highs!
Around 4 yrs ago I just lost it.
I recall feeling dug out by it and as if on a conveyor belt, so much competition, and then feeling like my work was crap. I am not famous at all, but was moderately successful for most of those years - working with pretty big companies, record labels and novelists.

What bothers me, apart from the massive drop in income, is why I don't just 'do it' anymore. I just did it by nature previously, from my teens onwards, I never had to think about it. I was multimedia, so embraced digital, traditional and video. I never had a social media following but had a lot of work and many different styles.

I just never pick up the pencil or the digital pen now. I thought it might be stress, as I lost my parents at that time, but nothing else has gone awry. So it it was stress related, why just this?

I am living on savings and need to find a regular job, but the loss of that income is huge.

I am happy to move on without it if I have to (maybe), but it feels stupid to ignore it as if it never happened either. This was my profession, and now I feel like a fake or a fraud.

I guess I will be crying into a void here, maybe it's a little too 'niche', but I would love to return to it, yet every time I think of doing it I freeze, or I can't even think of what to do. It feels foreign to me, and that makes me feel even more fed up. I an't even think of where to start.
I tried changing things up for years but nothing worked:(

Is it time to cut ties completely or try to work it out?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
11
SquirrelSoShiny · 09/12/2024 21:43

Try and start drawing again without any expectation. Illustrate how blocked you feel. Lean into it.

ChicaChow · 09/12/2024 21:46

Illustrate us a picture representing how your feeling right now. Like a lost sheep in a forest. Or a bird that's forgotten how to fly.

Do that. Once you've done the first step. Reflect how you feel and/or if it's changed anything.

PullTheBricksDown · 09/12/2024 21:48

I would look for a counsellor or therapist to help you unpack it. It sounds psychological. Like dart players who are successful for years and then start not being able to let go of the dart.

heldinadream · 09/12/2024 21:51

Creative block isn't niche @LichenLights.
I agree with both posters so far. As a writer the advice is if you can't write you write about what the experience of not being able to write is like.
So draw the experience of not being able to draw. Even if it's just black scribble.
No judgements or expectations of it being anything at all. Just whatever comes out.
Best wishes. Flowers

Original poster
LichenLights · 09/12/2024 21:57

Thank you, I didn't think this would get replies.
I am on holiday at the mo so don't have materials but I do have a photo that reminds me of how I feel, lol, not sure how it helps tho!

It is part of a series of caves in Cumbria. This one doesn't have an entrance, just a ragged face....

To have lost my profession, my calling.
OP posts:
Compash · 09/12/2024 21:58

I'm sorry you feel like this, I can identify (though writer not artist). You'll know Julia Cameron's The Artists' Way? Worth a try?

I think all creative industries are tough right now - AI encroaching, people not respecting the human spark like they did...

Just chucking out some ideas... Different people are motivated by different things. Are you someone who needs a deadline for a fire under your arse? Or do you just want to do something unpressured, for the love of it?

Also, as we get older, maybe that can change - someone who was always a 'seat of the pantser' maybe can't work at that pace any more and needs to find a softer, more self-caring way? Also, the drive to be The Best can give way naturally to just enjoying being good at something. That's okay. A lot of people never find that, and it can be enough.

If you know other artists, reach out to them. Engage in other arts, try museum visits, the theatre, films... you need good input to feed and inspire the output. And it's good for the soul anyway, even if it doesn't lead to work!

Wishing the best to you! 🤗

FluDog · 09/12/2024 21:59

Is there something else you could use your skills for @LichenLights?

I worked as a graphic designer for around 15 years before I spent some time working freelance and it totally burnt me out. I went back to working for an agency but it never felt the same. I moved away from 'just' design and now work in UX and product design.

While creativity is never a bad thing there's not as much constant expectation for it, which does become wearing.

Dreammalildream · 09/12/2024 21:59

Possible youre in burnout?

I have adhd and asd and when i feel like this it's because I'm burnt out. I'm approaching it now and your image of the rock face looks how my brain feels. I can't engage with any of my usual creative pursuits.

Eyesopenwideawake · 09/12/2024 22:00

Stress hits in mysterious ways and it's perfectly possible that the loss of your drive is tied up with the loss of your parents (among the weird Covid times). Have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis - happy to chat if you'd like.

Retrospeaker · 09/12/2024 22:02

I’m not saying this is in the same ball park, at all, but whenever I’ve been ‘stuck’ trying to write an academic essay I’ve just started writing anything - random words - and eventually some words come that are relevant to the subject and it snowballs from there. Could you try that?

Or are you more wanting to explore why you feel you can’t do it rather than actually do it again?

HellofromJohnCraven · 09/12/2024 22:04

Not as dramatic but when my brother died 2 and a bit years ago, I lost the ability to read anything at that was fiction. I must have read 2 books a week for 40 years. Suddenly realised that I was buying them but just couldn't read them. I also lost my ability to daydream. And I'd done that since childhood. It's like something just switched off in my head.
I wonder if yours is linked to grief? Or anti depressants?

parietal · 09/12/2024 22:05

are there any other jobs you are qualified for? something that you can do to earn some money and pay rent, that would then let you do your art without the stress of earning from it.

a friend is a sculptor who works 3 days a week as an admin assistant in an office and can keep the other days for art without the pressure of earning.

if you got a basic job for a little money, you could then do things that are more exploratory in terms of art - photography or collage or printmaking or something different.

Midlifecareerchange · 09/12/2024 22:05

I don't know how old you are or if you're female but I lost my creative spark quite abruptly in perimenopause. I did a kind of last flourish which was cut short by the pandemic. I am waiting to see if it re- ignites differently rather than trying to recreate my lost youth

Original poster
LichenLights · 09/12/2024 22:08

Helpful stuff thank you.

I have developed a love for the outdoors, and what once quickened my heart as drawing and painting now feels small in comparison to hiking and being in nature. I have no experience in anything like that work-wise though. I would love to work in conservation, but would obviously have to begin minimum wage, and with an arts degree, not much chance of growth.

But I do love my work, and deeply miss being in tune with it. At one time I used to paint and illustrate my love for mountains but now I can't even pick up the ipad or set up some paper.

This is a selection of my digital illustration, I don't have my paintings on my ipad.
I was always influenced by colour and nature, but can't seem to even enter the mood these days.

To have lost my profession, my calling.
To have lost my profession, my calling.
To have lost my profession, my calling.
To have lost my profession, my calling.
OP posts:
HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 09/12/2024 22:10

Creative burnout is a real thing, so is something I call niche-out (need to work on a title). I'm a copywriter, have been for decades and I'm also struggling.

I think you have to try a completely new field or medium. Take a class for fun. Experiment with form. Spend more time in nature. Potentially retrain or refocus (I'm doing more journalism that copywriting now and I find it's bringing me a lot of joy). Mix it up a bit.

I used to do work for an ad agency where every employee got given a creative budget to go any kind of training they wanted as long as it had nothing to do with their day-to-day job. I think there's a lot in that.

comedycentral · 09/12/2024 22:12

I think you burned out and experienced grief at the same time. Have you considered grief counseling?

Original poster
LichenLights · 09/12/2024 22:14

I did deal with the grief and had some counselling at the time. I sort of don't feel as if it is that. But perhaps the resulting changes in me. It sent me into new passions and ideas, although they didn't come out as 'art'.

I have framed watercolours in my home that hurt every time I look at them. I just can't do them now.

I am more than happy to get a day job, but considering what i used to earn (3K pm), it's still a bit 'ouch'.

OP posts:
HalfMumHalfBiccit · 09/12/2024 22:15

Read the Artists Way. You may have already of course. It’s a wonderful book to help get out of a rut and stop being blocked artistically. Good luck.

Original poster
LichenLights · 09/12/2024 22:17

These are my dark and brooding landscape paintings - I was part way through this series when it all just stopped.
louralandscape.tumblr.com

OP posts:
FranticFrankie · 09/12/2024 22:20

Not arty in any way but just wanted to say I love that cat picture 😍
best wishes

TheMerlotPenguin · 09/12/2024 22:22

I love seeing your work. The loss of your creativity sounds like a big loss and something else to grieve. Could you be menopausal/peri possibly?

Malbecmoron · 09/12/2024 22:23

Your paintings are amazing

Adventlandonhs · 09/12/2024 22:24

Sometimes we outgrow a calling which makes way for the next phase of our lives.

rewilded · 09/12/2024 22:27

I'm sorry you feel like this, I can identify (though writer not artist). You'll know Julia Cameron's The Artists' Way? Worth a try?

I waa just about to suggest this book!

rewilded · 09/12/2024 22:29

I love your work! Do not give up!

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