To have lost my profession, my calling.

[LichenLights]

I am (or was) an illustrator of 28 yrs. Mostly self employed, lows and highs, but many, many highs!
Around 4 yrs ago I just lost it.
I recall feeling dug out by it and as if on a conveyor belt, so much competition, and then feeling like my work was crap. I am not famous at all, but was moderately successful for most of those years - working with pretty big companies, record labels and novelists.

What bothers me, apart from the massive drop in income, is why I don't just 'do it' anymore. I just did it by nature previously, from my teens onwards, I never had to think about it. I was multimedia, so embraced digital, traditional and video. I never had a social media following but had a lot of work and many different styles.

I just never pick up the pencil or the digital pen now. I thought it might be stress, as I lost my parents at that time, but nothing else has gone awry. So it it was stress related, why just this?

I am living on savings and need to find a regular job, but the loss of that income is huge.

I am happy to move on without it if I have to (maybe), but it feels stupid to ignore it as if it never happened either. This was my profession, and now I feel like a fake or a fraud.

I guess I will be crying into a void here, maybe it's a little too 'niche', but I would love to return to it, yet every time I think of doing it I freeze, or I can't even think of what to do. It feels foreign to me, and that makes me feel even more fed up. I an't even think of where to start.
I tried changing things up for years but nothing worked:(

Is it time to cut ties completely or try to work it out?

I remember reading somewhere that we are at a most creative when we are fertile/virile and it is a biological drive - sorry that doesn't help but there is some truth to this I think.

Does running art classes appeal to you op? Workshops for art groups, You Tube videos etc. There are lots of artists who make more money from teaching than their work. It sounds like you aren't motivated to get back into illustration so maybe have a think about what you want to do now. There's no reason why you can't earn good money in a different way.

Your work is beautiful, I hope you find your way back to it.

Well my DH is 60 and more creative than ever before. I see many older women on social media having the time of their lives painting. I dunno. That said, most of them are doing seascapes and abstract landscape - as if this is a meno thing. I have honestly noticed that. Maybe it's freeing?

I have become obsessed with lichen and moss. I collect twigs and leaves and stones. The creative mind is ever so alive, yet I can't set anything down. It is as if I need to feel and ponder as opposed to work.
I guess we all feel like that and yet work is a bloody necessity unless we are very wealthy or retired.

I saw an article in a magazine this week about a lino cut artist and her home - large, gorgeous country house and a traditional printing press in her studio. These images are so unrealistic. Most of us just have a 'room'.

You're very talented. I love your work. The light falling on the darkness in your work you linked is very evocative imo. Illustrations of a story not yet told.

I too could not read fiction after grief, and I do now again but different fiction.

You're amazing at photography too.

Perhaps try not to pressure yourself? If you love walking and nature, accept that, enjoy it and the urge to create and capture the essence may come? Burn out as suggested could be right, looking at artists over history, is it a pattern?

Find a job you can do, keep your feelers out, arrange walks and travel for you, go with the flow. I mean the Creative flow:)

I absolutely love your paintings!

I am/was a stained glass window maker. My wife died 4 years ago and since then I haven't touched glass. Nor have I been able to read a book and even watching films is a struggle. I just can't focus and lose myself in any of it. I do hope and bel83ve that this is a phase and I will emerge one day.

I think many artists go through periods of low/no productivity and then return with renewed energy and inspiration. That doesn't solve the economic question for you in the meantime...

Walk away and return when you feel it calling. Pursue whatever you feel passionate about now, and if you do return to illustation, you'll have an entirely new take on it that will be fresh and authentic. If you force it, it will show in your work.

The Artist’s Way is hugely overrated imv. And useless for visual artists. I think that you can only take little steps. What comes across is that you really do want to create, or you wouldn’t have posted this valuable thread. This is your dark night of the soul. It’s painful but something valuable will emerge.

Is there anything in the fact that it wasn't never really as directly linked to money before? Yes, you earned a living but there was no monetary pressure like there is now?

Have you tried to recreate something excellent that you've done before? Something you know you can produce? Does it give rise to anything?

Also, if the picture of the caves is symbolic of how you are feeling, it's worth noting that they look like you can climb out of them relatively easily. Not without effort but not insurmountable.

I think your work is amazing. Your talent isn't gone, it's just trapped temporarily.

While you dismiss the life of the printmaker as unrealistic, pay attention to the fact that it caught your eye. Is there something about her life that appeals to you? Could you aim to use different materials and techniques to study moss and see what happens. It's not very clear how urgently you need to earn money. If you can, take some time to reflect. Perhaps set a goal of writing some poetry every day. Follow your instincts.

I found Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic a very inspiring book.

I also didn't find TAW very useful as it felt like superficial therapy. But there is a lot of truth in the theory that creative workers need to 'restock the well' (that is a phrase the actor Simon Callow used when suddenly finding no joy or inspiration in his work).

Restocking the well is just actively replenishing yourself with inspiration - not as a means to an end - not as a nudge to get working again, just for its own sake. Usually it works best if you mix your own profession with very different ones - maybe go to a circus, theatre or dance show once a month, to sculpture and costume exhibitions more than art exhibitions. And return to the greats - the absolute geniuses and just look at how they put paint or pencil or ink on paper or canvas.

A different art form can help too. A friend was a very successful illustrator then felt like you when her children left home. She switched to writing (made nothing like the same income btw - even though she is successful as a novelist, she earns single figures - that's what a lot of well known mid-list authors earn.) Then recently she returned to illustration part time and her new work is breathtakingly beautiful. She needed a break from it and now she enjoys it again.

I used to work in an ad agency and the good designers were some of the top paid freelancers. Could you look at doing agency work a couple of days a week - even if it isn't exciting or making use of your own originality, you;d have time off to explore other things and get your groove back.

One more thing - that cave image of how you feel - why not work with that? That is literally you illustrating something powerful and immediate right now. Like Monet - do a few images of it in different lights, different degrees of clarity and sharpness, some tiny, some huge, some 3D etc. I am in a different creative profession and find that turning my worst moods into art is incredibly healing and satisfying and releasing.

I think my brain is just too "broken"? Maybe it's taken away too much of who I am, I don't know lol 😂

I'd love to post a couple of my creative writing ideas here but I'm a bit too embarrassed to... I remember when I posted them on MN before, someone compared it to a kind of GCSE creative writing exercise test....🤔😳😐

Do you enjoy gardening?

These are beautiful

Can you try land art? Like Andy goldsworthy?

I am 3k a month down, so pretty dire. I am living on savings but need to find work. This is an interim I suppose.

The woman with the studio evokes a sense of sadness because only beautiful houses get into magazines, yet this isn't my problem as such, but knowing most of them are retired and probably never had to earn a living from their work is sobering.
It is a bit of a fancy now, a luxury. A working artist with bills to pay (or rent etc) generally doesn't live in a detached thatched listed building with a traditional printing press. Most have to have access to a uni.

Agree with another poster about recommending teaching.

It could be that the skills you have developed over the years, no longer satisfy you creatively. But you feel guilt not using that talent that has gave you your livelihood over many years.

But don’t view it that way, pass on all the skills you have learned and teach others. Not only could that help alleviate any feelings of guilt, it can be a good income stream. It will also keep those skills sharp if you ever decide to use them again in your career. You would demonstrate how to paint in class, which is much less pressure that sitting in front of a blank canvas in a studio.

You might also feel inspired by those learning, seeing everything through fresh eyes. I attend a floristry class with a woman that has been a florist for 30 years. We have all different ages in the class and she says she’s inspired by the young people coming in and showing her new trends, the older ones coming in and giving her tips about growing cutting flowers/gardening, the tech savvy showing her Tik Toks of Chinese floristry, the big spenders who spend a fortune at the wholesalers who come in with the most beautiful blooms- that in a retail setting she doesn’t use often because it doesn’t make sense, but loves to see them being used creatively and passing on her knowledge in how to work with them.

By the looks of it you are finding a creative outlet in nature photography and collecting from the forest (please note though, In Scotland anyway, you’re not allowed to forage for moss etc). Maybe this can be where you find your new passion alongside teaching?

Christ! That's probably a result of bad timing and an arrow that didn't hit it's target. I would love to see this kind of thing on MN. Isn't there a section for it?

A broken brain couldn't write what it intended. Unfortunately artists, no matter how we like to think we are immune, do survive better with some feedback and encouragement.

I miss my parent so much because they always stood by what I did. There's a giant hole without them. My DH is very supportive as he is an artist too, but he doesn't know what to say or do about this issue.

I never take moss, I just stare at it and appreciate it's presence.
I once took up a twig covered with lichen then put it back again after seeing the worms and life crawling in it.

As for teaching, I have no idea how I would do that.
I once did some voluntary work in the lake district and was asked to join in at an art class at the jetty, but had to return home.
I could potentially live up there and just find a way in.....

It is an idea I have but don't have the confidence to push it.

Sorry i mean i never take moss 'now'.
I have some old stuff here, thriving, a bit.

I would revisit the grief counselling tbh. I know you said you felt you had dealt with it at the time, but my experience is that it is something you absorb into your being, rather than get over. It becomes a part of you and pops up in unexpected, and sometimes unwelcome, ways.

Awww, bless you - I absolutely agree that we creatives get better with feedback, good and bad. Here's a few lines of my writing, just to let you see some (I've had to attach them as images from a Messenger chat as for some reason, I can't copy and paste it).

We have a woman that runs watercolour classes. It just during the day and she runs it from the church hall. There’s a maximum of 8 and it’s all beginners, all retirees. There’s no pressure, it’s a lovely atmosphere and people usually make new friends.

What I mean is, your customers won’t be putting you under pressure. Lots of us just like to learn new skills from talented people.

Her classes are very popular because they are specifically aimed at beginners and have a relaxed atmosphere.

Perhaps something like that could work for you.

A few things... loss of your parents is huge and will have impacted creativity, the pandemic affected so many creatives who found they just couldn't be creative anymore. Have you had any other changes in your life? We need the freedom and time to be creative..perhaps something is impacting these? The photo of the cave is significant. It doesn't have an obvious opening. Do you feel trapped/stuck? Maybe it is time to explore a role in the outdoors and try something new. You may find your creativity comes back albeit slightly changed (medium, style, focus).