My house my rules?

[Onlycoffee]

I keep seeing this on mn usually in defence of "house rules" for adult children, sometimes also young adults and teens.

For those who say that, is it not your children's home as well?
What age does it stop being their home?

I'm not talking about where there is abuse, aggression, complete disregard for other members of the household, but more when parents seem to be trying to control their children under the banner of "my house my rules".

Aibu to think my house is also my children's house, so allow them autonomy and not try to control them, or
Yabu and, I don't even know because what is the alternative? Drive my kids away and make them feel uncomfortable in what apparently isn't their own home anymore?

I guess for me it boils down to mutual respect

Absolutely this. If you have mutual respect there is no need for "rules". My DC are in their 30's and have both lived at home as adults at various points. They wouldn't make a lot of noise at 3am or leave a big mess in the kitchen because they know it would be disrespectful. I've never had to resort to a list of rules.

When they have lived here and wanted people round, they'll always run it past me. They know they don't need "permission" as such, but it's a courtesy. I've really not had any issues with them being here.

What I often see is parents having expectations that their young adult children will automatically just know what is and isn't acceptable when they are adults living at home with their parents, and don't sit down and have sensible conversations before adult children move back in about what that will entail. More often than not, it goes something like this.

Adult child wants/needs to move back home.
"Yes of course, your home is always here for you".
No conversation about house rules, how that situation is different to when they lived at home before the age of 18, no discussion about expectations on either side.
Adult child continues to treat the family home exactly as they did before they left.
Parents are mad about it, and go "why don't they understand they can't do this or that or they need to do it this way?"

The answer is, because you didn't talk to them!

So many upsets could be avoided if families had sensible conversations before adult children move back in as adults (or go to uni, or get their first job, go through the adult transition while still living at home).

One of DS1's friends' older siblings has gone to uni to study nursing and lives at home. Obviously, this involves being on placements and working shifts. Every time I see these parents, they complain about her odd schedule, the disruption to the household when she's on nights, she can't join in with family activities, only does chores on her (rare) days off and can't keep a routine. And I'm there like "and this didn't occur to you as normal for a student nurse, and you didn't think about the impact of this when agreeing for her to live at home while studying..."

It's their childhood home but the idea is they leave and have their own family and their own house with its own rules.

My mother always used to use this phrase and as soon as I was old enough I left and didn't return. It made me feel so unwelcome.

This isn't a comment on rules, btw. Just the phrase itself.

I have only ever used this expression to my children when they are at someone else's house."Their house, their rules" because I knew that I was more lax than some of their friend's parents so their stricter rules trumped my more relaxed ones. I can't imagine using it to my adult children-but we always had family rules that we agreed on anyway.

I grew up with three older brothers, two of whom had a rather laissez-faire attitude to the family home and they were frequently accused by my Mum of 'treating the place like a hotel'. I blame her and Dad for this. In fairness, I don't remember Dad being that bothered by my brothers' comings and goings but neither he nor Mum had put any boundaries in place.

Unless their names are on the mortgage then no it is not their house. It is their home, but they have to live under the rules of the house, set by the people who own the house. If they don't like it then they can move out to their own house and make their own rules

Well that's fine if you have naturally considerate young adult children.

But are you seriously saying that if your YA son kept coming home at 1am then making himself I dunno, a bacon sandwich, leaving fat splattered everywhere and the bread open to go stale and the bacon out of the fridge, that you might not implement a "rule"?

I swear some of you on here are so needlessly smug. Nice if your kid isn't really old enough to be bucking against you, or like I say, are naturally considerate, but it's not only totally normal for YA to not be considerate, it's also totally normal to have some ground rules in place for the enjoyment of the home for all.

I would love a no kitchen after 9pm rule. It’s so upsetting that every single time you walk into the kitchen it’s a mess and it hurts most first thing on a brutally early morning, when you cleaned it properly the night before

Once your children are adult, you are basically house sharing. House shares have rules, in order to make living together tolerable. And you are also the landlord, and the landlord has rules to keep their property in good order.

This! Having brought up my adult child he is fully aware of how things work at home and honestly seems to live in a similar manner at uni.

I am 33 and have my own home but I will always have a place in my childhood home. The other week I had a significant setback in my life and the first thing my mum said was ‘pack a bag’.

So how would this work if adult child brought a different partner / one night stand back each week or whatever?
Would that be OK?

Provided the rules are fairly reasonable, it is the parents house and their rules. Obviously somewhat less so if the DC are adults/working and paying board. But even then, if it's the parents' name on the mortgage, it's the parents' house. That's not unreasonable.

However, it does depend on the rules being reasonable. I remember still being expected to ask permission to stay with friends overnight (not just inform my parents, but actually ask if I was 'allowed') when I was 19 and working/paying board, on one occasion my dad said something along the lines of 'if you don't like it, leave home.' Obviously that's ridiculous and stemmed from my dad's own overly draconian upbringing. But assuming it's stuff like pull your weight around the house/don't eat all the food and not replace it/don't keep us awake with loud music at night, it's perfectly fair.

I usually see 'your house, your rules' comments on threads where the OP has been the subject of really nasty behaviour from a guest, or adult child living at home. If people are considerate and respect each other it isn't necessary. But people don't need to start threads if they are living in harmony with their adult children. It is like the daily bad MIL threads. I am sure there would be 10,000 threads started a day about nice MILs to one bad MIL thread if people wanted to start them, but who needs advice or validation if they have a nice MIL?

I don't think it's being smug.

I suppose those of us with minimal rules would have taken a different approach had it been necessary to do so.

Mine are now 26 and 18 so I've been through all the ages and stages of parenting. The only issue I ever had was baking/cooking and not tidying/cleaning up.as well as I would have done but, othwr than that, I can honestly say, I never had issues.

I didn't care if she baked cakes at 1am as long as she cleaned up afterwards.

Having not landed on my doorstep at 18, they would be fully aware of certain home expectations regarding family life Exactly! I guess it would help if we knew what people have in mind when talking about ‘rules’.
Asking DC not to eat the food you have bought for a meal the next day vs demanding that the DC never ever change the radio station. Not exactly the same thing…

Again, if that was happening, 0f course you'd set a boundary then.

I said told mine that I don't mind established boyfriends/girlfriends but I wouldn't be accepting random people overnight.

So, I guess, if they do that, you set a boundary 🤷🏻‍♀️

Exactly this.

The problem is when some teens think the world owes them / revolves around them.........

My kids are all adults with their own homes, but occasionally come to stay with or without partners.

I expect them to treat my house as I treat theirs - tidy up after myself, shoes on or off as dictated by house owner; they can help themselves to drinks and snacks but wouldn't just up and cook a meal without asking and generally leave living areas tidy.

They expect it from me when I am at their place, so why wouldn't I expect it from them?

It will always be my kids home. But us as parents are the ones paying the bills and a little respect goes along way.

So yes, we have rules. Just because there are rules doesn't make it less of a home.

I think it depends what rules we're talking about. It's my house so if I say my kids can't throw a party or teenagers can't smoke inside fair enough. But it shouldn't be used to justify emotional abuse or make unreasonable demands.

I agree with this. We had no problems with DS1 (24) when he was at home as an adult - he let us know when he’d be in, asked if it was ok if his GF came round etc. But if he’d treated the place as a student house we would have had to have a conversation. This is mine and DH’s house. If DS had taken up vaping he would not have been doing it in this house. He would not have been allowed to do it just because he lives here. Same with having people over - GF and mates we know - fine. Complete strangers staying over with no prior discussion - not ok. If people think that’s making an adult child feel ‘uncomfortable’ then so be it. I would feel very uncomfortable finding a stranger in my house!

My kids are a bit younger than OP refers to so I may change my tune in a few years, but for me a lot of this is about language. I really dislike the term "rules" - it sounds draconian to my ears. However, we have "ways that we do things" and I have sometimes made decisions to balance the needs of different people in my family. Should autistic DC1 be subjected to extrovert DC2 having friends round? Alternatively should DC2 not be able to have friends round just because of DC1? Obviously I let my younger have mates over while minimising the impact on my older. Surely when you have young adults it is just a different version of the same thing? Young adult wants people visiting overnight, you want some peace and quiet, so you have a conversation about how to minimise the impact of visitors on the rest of the family. That will look different in different households.
I hate rules but my family take off shoes in carpeted rooms and keep food downstairs. I just never labelled it a rule, it's how we do things.
What's the door thing people are referencing? Is it about air flow or is it to stop them having sex? I like my kids to open a window in the morning and leave doors open to let air circulate, but it's not a "rule" - when they get old enough for a hangover I won't care if it isn't done daily, so long as it is done sometimes.

There is a difference between rules and respect for the other adults you live with.
Making sure kitchens and bathrooms are clean and tidy. Not making noise when coming in late and letting others know if you're in or out that day.
It's important to make it their home whilst it's your house you pay the bills on