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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My house my rules?

77 replies

Onlycoffee · 09/12/2024 21:07

I keep seeing this on mn usually in defence of "house rules" for adult children, sometimes also young adults and teens.

For those who say that, is it not your children's home as well?
What age does it stop being their home?

I'm not talking about where there is abuse, aggression, complete disregard for other members of the household, but more when parents seem to be trying to control their children under the banner of "my house my rules".

Aibu to think my house is also my children's house, so allow them autonomy and not try to control them, or
Yabu and, I don't even know because what is the alternative? Drive my kids away and make them feel uncomfortable in what apparently isn't their own home anymore?

OP posts:
Tink3rbell30 · 10/12/2024 07:36

Yep I go by this.

GreyCarpet · 10/12/2024 07:43

A house and a home are different though. You make that distinction in your OP - it's your house but their home. It's not their house.

For me, personally, there is an issue with some of the rules but I don't see a problem with the parents having rules per se.

My rules are pretty limited in number - leave communal areas as you found them; no unexpected overnight guests; if you use the last of something, tell me or replace it. If you're staying out all night, tell me.

But I've read some odd rules.on here about established boyfirends/girlfriends not being allowed to stay overnight or doors having to be kept open/closed etc and I think that is where parents have lost sight of their children being adults.

FrenchandSaunders · 10/12/2024 07:44

We never had any set rules like no cooking after 9pm. As long as they cleared up after themselves and didn’t make a racket I let them crack on.

Loved having their mates around after they’d been for a few drinks …. they were the best chats 😀, I miss those days now both of mine have moved out.

mamajong · 10/12/2024 07:46

I don't use this phrase personally but I take it more to mean the people paying for the house make the rules and I do think that's fair. We are quite relaxed with older DC in the sense that as adults they can go out and come home when they want, but I do ask for a text so I know what's what but we do have a 'no strangers in the house' rule i.e no bringing back randoms you've met on a night out, which i dont think is at all unreasonable. I cook a meal each night, I'm happy to plate it to be reheated if theyre not hone, but if they don't fancy that it's on them to get themselves something else without eating food allocated for family meals (we do have an unallocated freezer drawer they can help themselves from). Simple house rules to make family life harmonious for everyone.

I don't think turning 18 suddenly gives you rule making rights when you're not contributing massively to the bills (we ask fir nominal board)

StormingNorman · 10/12/2024 07:49

This always seems a bit jarring to me too. Adult children seem to get demoted to lodgers.

Pigeonqueen · 10/12/2024 07:49

HPandthelastwish · 09/12/2024 21:35

There are rules everywhere though for the cohesion of society and that applies to domestic homes too.

For me,

  • the kitchen shuts at 9pm - no cooking after then, helping yourself to cereal or fruit etc is fine.
  • No food in bedrooms
  • Noise needs to be kept down after 9pm too and not disturbing other people in the home.
  • If DD was older and going out late at night then we would have a no strangers staying over rule
  • Friends leave by 9pm on a school night and 10pm at the weekend unless sleeping over - largely as that's when I'm happy to play taxi till.
  • We don't shout or swear at each other.
  • No smoking or vaping.

These are simple and fair and either for safety or to maintain the community of the house. The house is mine, if the oven gets left on overnight or food is spilt in the bedroom I will be the one paying for it to re rectified

You don't have to control and set domineering rules, you can have a conversation with your older or adult children, set out the problems and ask them for their input into the solution.

We have exactly the same rules. Dd is 21 and Ds is 13.

Despite this we aren’t a particularly strict family I don’t think. I don’t think these things are too much to ask for.

I have worked hard for my peace and my nice home and I’m not going to spend my life on edge or up all night for other adults living in my house - even if they are my own dc. If they want to do what they like then that’s the time they need to get their own place.

RampantIvy · 10/12/2024 07:54

In my opinion it is about respect and consideration for other household members.

Luckily DD (24, and home temporarily) has the same values as we do and doesn't eat in her room or hoard dirty crockery and cutlery in her room. She isn't one for going out regularly and turning up at 3 am with a random stranger in tow.

We all take our shoes off at the front door as our house is mostly carpeted. Visitors do, not that we ask them, but living where we do it is the norm.

Basically, I have had to make any "rules" because we just understand what the expectations are.

GreyCarpet · 10/12/2024 07:58

Loved having their mates around after they’d been for a few drinks …. they were the best chats

Same.

It's getting to know your children on a different level and changing the relationship into a more 'friendship' based one which you can do when they're adults and you've put the leg work into raising them well!

My son (26) is great company. He came to visit on Saturday and I went to bed early but he and my partner of 3 years sat up till nearly 1am drinking and chatting.

He is my child but not a child but, by the same token, in my house he is an adult but not the adult. So he abides by the minimal rules I have set.

usernother · 10/12/2024 07:58

Presumably you had rules as your children were growing up. As in, you didn't allow them to destroy things, write on walls, have parties without your permission etc. That's because it was your house and you made the rules. The same continues if your children choose to stay with you when they are adults.

Edingril · 10/12/2024 07:59

No idea i don't have a rude, useless, entitled etc. child just a normal one so we have no rules they will always be allowed to stay no matter what

RampantIvy · 10/12/2024 08:03

Basically, I have had to make any "rules" because we just understand what the expectations are.

That should have read I haven't had to make any rules.

Threelittleduck · 10/12/2024 08:04

My children are a bit younger (18,16 and 4) but we don't really have many rules. Only one is if eldest goes out at night she let's us know roughly what time she'll be home. That's just common sense and safety though.
Friends can come and go (most are gone by 10:30 as parents usually pick up), can help themselves to food and snacks although if they use something up they're expected to add it to the shopping list, don't really have rules on mobiles or cleaning their rooms (up to them if they want to live in a pit). We do expect any dishes to be brought down the same day and washing to go in the hamper (otherwise it doesn't get washed)?

Pigeonqueen · 10/12/2024 08:06

Edingril · 10/12/2024 07:59

No idea i don't have a rude, useless, entitled etc. child just a normal one so we have no rules they will always be allowed to stay no matter what

My children aren’t any of those things either. It’s not about any of that at all.

CherryBlossom321 · 10/12/2024 08:06

I know what you mean, OP. Mutual respect is one thing, but there are a number of parents of adult children who use that line to attempt to curb their autonomy, and maintain an unhealthy level of authority over another adult.

saraclara · 10/12/2024 08:12

GildedRage · 09/12/2024 22:07

Another my house, their home.
Having not landed on my doorstep at 18, they would be fully aware of certain home expectations regarding family life. Which included bed making, open doors, no dishes in bedrooms and garbage emptied daily.

Open doors? What does that mean? That they don't have any privacy in their bedrooms?

Edingril · 10/12/2024 08:13

Pigeonqueen · 10/12/2024 08:06

My children aren’t any of those things either. It’s not about any of that at all.

Show quote history

It is to me, so no what else I can think to say other than it will always be our child's home

Deadbeatex · 10/12/2024 08:23

I think the difference is house and home, it's everybody's home but its whoever is paying the rent/mortgage/bills etc house therefore the ones paying can set (within reason) rules for my House my rules

Startingagainandagain · 10/12/2024 08:26

The bricks and mortar of the house might belong to you financially but surely the idea is to create a home for your family? so it is the kids' home too...

Completely normal to set house rules but I think people who imply that their children are just guests that are only tolerated if they behave in a certain way is rather sad.

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 10/12/2024 08:29

Of course you’re being unreasonable 🤣
Most parents who say “my house, my rules” are referring to noise levels late at night, general respect for anyone else that lives in the home, not coming in at all hours when people are up early, tidying up after yourself, not leaving the kitchen in a shocking mess, showing a bit of maturity and consideration now that they’re adults, learning responsibilities……

You're trying to make it sound like people on the forum are trying to create a militant home where teen and adults kids feel uncomfortable, all for the sake of an AIBU post 🤣

If you want your kids to become feral and be disrespectful partners when they eventually move out, then you crack on. The rest of us will try to teach our teens and adults basic manners and consideration when living in a house with others

2025istheyear · 10/12/2024 08:29

House rules clean up after yourself.

I don’t go in their bathrooms when they are home. It just winds me up though they are much better now they have been to Uni for a couple of years. They realise now they are the most domesticated in their Uni house share! They have to learn how to negotiate their own house rules now🤣 Loads of compromising as they live with 4 others now.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 10/12/2024 08:30

There must be some rules when people live in the same house.
You have to be considerate of each other when you share space.

DreamW3aver · 10/12/2024 08:35

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 10/12/2024 08:30

There must be some rules when people live in the same house.
You have to be considerate of each other when you share space.

You dont need rules to be considerate, you just be considerate. By the time your children are adults presumably that has happened by osmosis

pizzaHeart · 10/12/2024 08:40

Zapx · 09/12/2024 22:26

It’s normally said after something pretty controversial isn’t it though? Like someone’s 25yo staying up until 3am shouting at their computer. In that case, I think it’d be perfectly acceptable to say no, that’s not okay… my house, my rules.

I think this^ too.
People often use it as the last argument if something happened or commenting it on MN, they don’t just citing it every time when their adult child in sight.
And it’s about respect to others and their needs and responsibility for certain things if you are a homeowner.

Hankunamatata · 10/12/2024 08:40

Doesn't everyone have house rules that the entire family abide by? If one person (afult child) is making everyone's life miserable by being selfish then of course you can say my house my rules

HPandthelastwish · 10/12/2024 08:40

This also probably depends on the size of the house, we are in a 2 bed flat - the kitchen is one side of my bedroom and the living room another so any excessive noise is likely to keep me up a bit different perhaps in a 5 bed semi over three floors or whatever where noise is less of a issue.