Exh of 9 years - wants to meet up to tell me face to face he is now dating

[Manyindigowings]

My AIBU that he is gloating?

And of course I have wished him well and sent him on his way. Can you give me your opinion of why he should think this to be appropriate?

I just don’t get why this is something I need to know. He ended the marriage.

He has not once been in contact me with in the 9 years, even though we have three adult DC.

I have had a couple of relapses and contacted him, wanting to meet for a coffee, but he has never responded. So a clear message.

I have had a short relationship in this time, but it never crossed my mind that having divorced, to tell him. That’s my private life.

Objectively, I wish there had been the possibility of a friendship. Our divorce was pretty amicable, from my perspective. So, this difficult information for me, even after 9 years.

I have found being single a real challenge this year. I have experienced a lot of bereavement in this period. So still grieving the loss of significant people. So this message has come at a really bad time.

I know I’m over-reacting. I just need to get this out of my system.

Back atcha! 🙋🏼‍♀️

So, this difficult information for me, even after 9 years.

I’m confused, do you mean it’s difficult for you you to hear he has a relationship?
I am guessing if this is how you feel, that you are not doing a good job at hiding this, or haven’t done a good job at hiding feelings you might still have had for him over the years. Which actually explains why he would feel a need to tell you in person. Maybe he wants to make it clear to you that he is taken.

@CannotWaitForSummervibes

It’s a good point. In which case he’d not really thought it through. If this was his reasoning, that he needed to be explicit he’s not interested, and this could only be achieved in person rather as a message, he might have had a very messy reaction in his presence. In hindsight, maybe I should have met up and played out the wronged love lorn ex-wife for a bit of teasing. 😏

Thanks op. Your observation has lifted my spirit that I have boundaries and perspective. As my children’s father, I feel it’s ok to still hold a feeling for what brought us together, whilst knowing where the line is, in not meeting up.

A quick, 'thanks for letting me know, good luck' is plenty as a response to this.
What an unpleasant person he sounds - you are well out of it.

Tell him to do one

Why have you still got each others numbers?
Just block him.

Her OP literally says she sent him on his way and that she wished him well, so she's not meeting him.

If you've contacted him multiple times looking to meet up over the years, maybe he just wants to make it clear that this needs to stop now that he's in a serious relationship.

Maybe he wants you to stop getting 'intel' on him and move on like he has?

Id say fuck off thats the magic of divorce i dont have to care about you by by blocked.

@livingafulllife ah Divorce. The magic that keeps on giving.

I think he has maybe realised how much he and you had when you were after all younger. Just because he didn't reply to your coffee suggestion - he may have just ignored it as a way of pleasing a then current girlfriend. Your a former wife and the mum of his children. And just the right age to be warm and give him your ear and listen and see where it goes. Any gloating will be sad and indicate that the relationship is not as deep. He may even want to swerve back to you and not start a new relationship up. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Be thrilled for him and okay it from the heart while I've both more than young enough to be your best selves about it. And if it comes to it why not let him gloat - be awed and a bit envious and say so. But you may find it nice just to reminisce about your earlier days -why be ashamed of candles and envy. Your coffee texts won't have sounded like that. If your grown dcs have been saying things it's your chance to own it! And why not give him a boost? We never know what's in store for any of us and this is a one off chance to meet. I'm not psychic but I reckon he wants lots of different things including to spend some last chance quality time with you. But if your gut says you fear hurt is afoot then trust that. You can never go too wrong being generous emotionally to the father of your children. And you do not have to put on a front for anyone. That's for people who've never been proposed to yet or become parents with someone yet surely? Don't listen to that inner schoolgirl voice for this one? If u said no already you can still rethink and reach out to him.

Sorry op, this reply doesn’t make sense. I would suggest you just let it go and stop thinking about how you could have reacted to annoy him. You’re not together anymore. He’s not interested in you. You know you shouldn’t go back to him. I sense you regret having reached out to him in the past, but I also sense you haven’t really let him go yet. It really is time to let him go.

@ForTaupeJoker thank you for the insight and compassion. You have really warmed my heart. Yes, I am of the right age “to be warm”, and these are the friendships I want to nurture, where there is a mutual sense of warmth.

I do feel a sense of release, of life moving on, and for me in the most positive way. I have been very luck this week to have had the support of good irl friends, and found the responses on this thread offered additional insight.

Be thrilled for him?
be awed and envious?
Why not give him a boost?

Sorry I know you’re being well meaning but this is straight out of The Handmaid’s Tale.

OP, you don’t need to do any of this.

If there is some impact on your adult DC that you need to be aware of, say if there is an intention to move abroad, it would be valid to meet I think. Or perhaps if new future wife has children, given your DC will become relatives and if they have children.

Can't think of other reasons.

The original reason for posting has run its course. I just need to express how I am feeling; writing the feelings out of my system enables me to see the situation from a wider perspective.

I’m just left with the sense that firstly I was being summoned for a ‘cease and desist’ by exh. Secondly, DC insisted he meet me ‘so I could ask questions.’

My spontaneous and so honest response to the information that he is dating ‘wish you well, no need to meet’.

Response to DC when they tell me they are upset that I was indifferent - that he and I don’t care about each other. I was able to say that the past I carry with their father means I will always love him because of them.

I sent a three line message three months ago, which was not answered. No answer. A clear message. Concluded.

I feel I have behaved with the utmost dignity and yet the people who I would hope would have a civilised level of respect for me have behaved at best in the most inept manner and at worst the most vindictive. What is done is done. But I am left feeling humiliated. The process of writing is leading me to think this is harsh but that change is occurring.

All three DC are now living with their partners. Last DC about to move in together. Consequently, well-being of DC no longer sits with myself or exh. They have partners now for support. That’s a release for me, and does ultimately mark the completion of the separation of a contract bound by care for children. Our work is done.

I wonder now whether there are other matters at olay, and which over the coming months will make themselves apparent.

I simply need to hold my nerve and build positively on this with DC, not let my hurt be destructive, which has been the case in the past. Instead use it to build connections because what comes across in this post is ‘them and me’. I have been marginalised and exh has managed to engineer this.

I realise by writing this, I just need to keep steady. I might feel humiliated but I am not perceived as humiliated by DC. Instead. I think I might be perceived as being dignified. I don’t want to damage that by lashing out, which I have done in the past.

Having this forum has really helped to make sense of my feelings. It’s one of the positives of SM that is rarely commented on.

Thanks for reading.,

You're still hurting. You always will. But at least it is "concluded" and I'm sure you've got a load more life and happiness to come. Enjoy it. Set yourself free of the past.
You might even learn to be happy with yourself ☺️

@Monty27 you nailed it. Thank you for responding.

So many posts telling the OP what to do when she'd already done it. In her OP.