Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exh of 9 years - wants to meet up to tell me face to face he is now dating

69 replies

Manyindigowings · 09/12/2024 20:52

My AIBU that he is gloating?

And of course I have wished him well and sent him on his way. Can you give me your opinion of why he should think this to be appropriate?

I just don’t get why this is something I need to know. He ended the marriage.

He has not once been in contact me with in the 9 years, even though we have three adult DC.

I have had a couple of relapses and contacted him, wanting to meet for a coffee, but he has never responded. So a clear message.

I have had a short relationship in this time, but it never crossed my mind that having divorced, to tell him. That’s my private life.

Objectively, I wish there had been the possibility of a friendship. Our divorce was pretty amicable, from my perspective. So, this difficult information for me, even after 9 years.

I have found being single a real challenge this year. I have experienced a lot of bereavement in this period. So still grieving the loss of significant people. So this message has come at a really bad time.

I know I’m over-reacting. I just need to get this out of my system.

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 09/12/2024 20:55

It is really weird that he felt the need to rub it in your face like that. You'll have to be content with being the bigger person because it's unfortunately too late to say 'oh wow its taken you this long? Didn't realise I was such a tough act to follow'!

MounjaroUser · 09/12/2024 20:56

Oh for heaven's sake, just because he wants to meet you it doesn't mean you should allow that. I wouldn't go anywhere near him!

InfoSecInTheCity · 09/12/2024 21:00

Just tell him 'No, it's ok, I don't think we need to meet in person, congrats on the new relationship but don't feel the need to keep me updated, our relationship was over years ago.'

Then stop contacting him to try to re-kindle. It's done and over.

Arlanymor · 09/12/2024 21:00

Tell him that there is no need - is it just that he is dating or is it something more serious so he wants to tell you in person - are they getting married/could a pregnancy be involved? Either way you have adult DC so surely a text or an email would do even if he feels so strongly that he needs to divulge something to you? He’s not a part of your life anymore.

TwoeightTwoeightTwoOhhhh · 09/12/2024 21:01

Is it somebody you know?
can’t think why after this long he’d think you ‘need’ to know unless there is more to it. He’d be an arse to want to see the whites of your eyes when he told you though. A text is fine

StrawberryDream24 · 09/12/2024 21:01

Can you give me your opinion of why he should think this to be appropriate?

I have no idea because it's bizarre.

Is it because he wants to warn you that he may be turning up at family events with a partner? To give you a heads up?

But you said he hasn't seen you so it seems like you don't go to your adults kids family events at the same time (??)
Are there weddings coming up?

It's still really weird. One would expect anyone to be dating/having relationships in 9 effing years. You wouldn't feel the need to warn them that you might turn up somewhere with a partner.

GenerousGardener · 09/12/2024 21:03

Block him.

Trickabrick · 09/12/2024 21:04

Perhaps he thinks you haven’t moved on and wanted to tell you in person rather than hear it through the grapevine. If he’s not aware you’ve had a relationship since him and your attempts to stay in touch previously weren’t welcomed by him, he probably thinks you still hold a candle for him.

BlondeFool · 09/12/2024 21:04

Block him. Absolute weirdo.

StrawberryDream24 · 09/12/2024 21:05

I have had a couple of relapses and contacted him, wanting to meet for a coffee, but he has never responded. So a clear message.

I find many men tend to be very black and white...any contact means you want them back/want to be with them.

I have found being single a real challenge this year. I have experienced a lot of bereavement in this period. So still grieving the loss of significant people. So this message has come at a really bad time.

Could your kids have communicated this to him?

But why would he need to warn you/tell you unless you're due to meet at some family event?

WillTheRealMeStandUp · 09/12/2024 21:06

I’d ignore him or send him this. 🥱

Roryno · 09/12/2024 21:07

You could just reply “don’t be silly, it’s been nearly a decade. No need to meet up!”

It’s not your best friend/neighbour/niece or something? Could he be getting married?

Collette78 · 09/12/2024 21:16

It is odd, no need. I’d just reply I’m not particularly interested in your life so no need to meet, all the best.

Thelnebriati · 09/12/2024 21:23

I'd probably have to get sarcastic and ask ''are you dating my Mum because I can't imagine any other reason you'd feel the need to make a dramatic announcement after a decade''.

Thelnebriati · 09/12/2024 21:24

And then block the bastard.

Kitkatcatflap · 09/12/2024 21:54

He has ignored you and now you can return the favour

Original poster
Manyindigowings · 09/12/2024 22:04

Thank you for your responses. I knew I could rely on a mix of opinions.

I am not meeting him.

Yes. That makes sense that having contacted him a couple of times, I have given the impression I still hold a candle for him. This is the consequence of those messages if I am being honest with myself.

It is hard to move on. I am in my 60s so the reality of forming a new relationship is really slim. However, I am making the very best life for myself, and really blessed I can do this. I have my health.

OP posts:
Original poster
Manyindigowings · 11/12/2024 22:48

Update MNetters - yep fucked up. My intel informs me, He did want to gloat as a pp said - wanted to see the whites of eyes when he told me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
GargoylesofBeelzebub · 11/12/2024 22:52

Manyindigowings · 11/12/2024 22:48

Update MNetters - yep fucked up. My intel informs me, He did want to gloat as a pp said - wanted to see the whites of eyes when he told me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Did you meet up with him?!

youngoldthing · 11/12/2024 22:52

Manyindigowings · 11/12/2024 22:48

Update MNetters - yep fucked up. My intel informs me, He did want to gloat as a pp said - wanted to see the whites of eyes when he told me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh he sounds like a charmer 🤮

i wouldn’t even block him because that gives him the satisfaction of knowing he’s ruffled your feathers.

grey rock him.

Elizo · 11/12/2024 22:54

Manyindigowings · 09/12/2024 20:52

My AIBU that he is gloating?

And of course I have wished him well and sent him on his way. Can you give me your opinion of why he should think this to be appropriate?

I just don’t get why this is something I need to know. He ended the marriage.

He has not once been in contact me with in the 9 years, even though we have three adult DC.

I have had a couple of relapses and contacted him, wanting to meet for a coffee, but he has never responded. So a clear message.

I have had a short relationship in this time, but it never crossed my mind that having divorced, to tell him. That’s my private life.

Objectively, I wish there had been the possibility of a friendship. Our divorce was pretty amicable, from my perspective. So, this difficult information for me, even after 9 years.

I have found being single a real challenge this year. I have experienced a lot of bereavement in this period. So still grieving the loss of significant people. So this message has come at a really bad time.

I know I’m over-reacting. I just need to get this out of my system.

If you know he is dating, how is the meeting to tell you? Seems a bit ridiculous really. With adult DC, who cares…single life can be hard but don’t let this set you back

2025willbemytime · 11/12/2024 22:54

Who the fuck says whites of your eyes?! What a knobhead.

Elizo · 11/12/2024 22:56

2025willbemytime · 11/12/2024 22:54

Who the fuck says whites of your eyes?! What a knobhead.

He does sound like a dick. Why does he think you would care. Say ‘great news. Good for you. No need to chat it over’

Elizo · 11/12/2024 22:57

Thelnebriati · 09/12/2024 21:23

I'd probably have to get sarcastic and ask ''are you dating my Mum because I can't imagine any other reason you'd feel the need to make a dramatic announcement after a decade''.

Love this

SereneCapybara · 11/12/2024 22:57

Maybe it's serious and he plans to marry and will invite all adult DC so wants to be tactful and tell you in person especially if they have said they don;t feel comfortable telling you or avoiding telling you?

If you once felt friendship was possible, might it be worth meeting up for a coffee to see if you can establish a slightly more congenial relationship, even if it is distant and intermittent.