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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Families, weddings, drama

35 replies

LovelyGirlImelda · 09/12/2024 19:27

Despite my parents’ protestations, I’m stuck between them trying to organise a wedding.

Dad wants to invite his girlfriend of around a year. They are on-off, and have recently broken up and reconciled. I’ve nothing against her particularly, but my concerns are:

  1. I live abroad so we haven’t actually met
  2. Dad seems to be trying to use my wedding to “debut” her
  3. He doesn’t seem to get that there’s a broad spectrum between “having a problem” with him being in a relationship (I don’t) and wanting to be best mates and hear about his feelings (don’t want this either)

My opinion is somewhere along the lines of… I’m pleased you’re happy, but she’s not my family just because you’re dating.

Inviting her will cause issues with my mum (she’s not the OW, for the avoidance of doubt). I’d also have to give my mum a +1 as well and frankly I don’t have the space.

So, AIBU to not invite the gf?

YANBU - don’t invite her
YABU - how heartless, of course you must invite her

OP posts:
Dumbles · 09/12/2024 19:35

I wouldn’t invite her. Just explain about space and the face you’ve not met her. When is the wedding?

Original poster
LovelyGirlImelda · 09/12/2024 19:36

Dumbles · 09/12/2024 19:35

I wouldn’t invite her. Just explain about space and the face you’ve not met her. When is the wedding?

May

OP posts:
DemonicCaveMaggot · 09/12/2024 19:38

The US etiquette for weddings is that if someone is cohabiting they are a social unit and get invited together to things. However, it sounds like your father and his paramour are not cohabiting so you don't need to invite her. A year isn't that long, you haven't met her, they are on/off so may not even be together in a month or so.

Original poster
LovelyGirlImelda · 09/12/2024 19:41

No, they’re not cohabiting. Although I wonder if this etiquette is a bit different in the UK — I’ve been with my fiancé 6 years and there are weddings we’ve not been given a +1 at in the past year. Fiancé grumbled a bit but sometimes people just don’t have the space

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 09/12/2024 19:43

Your dad’s girlfriend hasn’t been around long enough or consistently to qualify for an automatic invitation. She would only be included if you were giving everyone plus 1s, including people who just want to bring a random date.

maxelly · 09/12/2024 19:44

This is just me, I hate drama and conflict, but unless it's a genuinely tiny wedding I'd give them each a plus one and let them bring whoever they liked, on the concept it's someone there to accompany them rather than a guest of your choosing. Like someone else said they might well be off again by May, or if they're going to get serious perhaps you'll have met her by then and like her etc. I just think that's the most straightforward and civilised way and trust to your dad that he's not going to bring someone really horrible and to your mum that she'll be grown up about it... Seat them apart though, I think it's probably too much to have them sat next to one another!

Ggmores · 09/12/2024 19:46

Sounds like you have a very small wedding and aren’t as a blanket rule inviting plus ones. It’s your wedding and I think you should do exactly what you want. If it means people can’t/don’t want to come so be it. I hate the entitlement people have over other peoples weddings (no children, too far away, no plus one, vegan-only food, etc.). It’s not their day it’s yours, you’re paying for it, have exactly what you want.

Anotherworrier · 09/12/2024 19:46

They’ve been together a year and she was the OW. No, it’s way too soon. Your Mother should be able to enjoy her daughter’s wedding without this nonsense. YOU should be able to enjoy your wedding without this nonsense.

DinosaurMunch · 09/12/2024 19:49

I would let your parents bring their partner. Assuming they are adults and can manage to be civil for 1 day.
It doesn't mean everyone needs a plus one. You can make an exception for your parents.

DinosaurMunch · 09/12/2024 19:50

Anotherworrier · 09/12/2024 19:46

They’ve been together a year and she was the OW. No, it’s way too soon. Your Mother should be able to enjoy her daughter’s wedding without this nonsense. YOU should be able to enjoy your wedding without this nonsense.

She was not the ow

Anotherworrier · 09/12/2024 19:52

DinosaurMunch · 09/12/2024 19:50

She was not the ow

Show quote history

Oh excuse me! I misread that… I’m tired!

Original poster
LovelyGirlImelda · 09/12/2024 20:00

DinosaurMunch · 09/12/2024 19:49

I would let your parents bring their partner. Assuming they are adults and can manage to be civil for 1 day.
It doesn't mean everyone needs a plus one. You can make an exception for your parents.

I suppose but (perhaps IAB a bit U) I have friends who I’d love to invite but we don’t have the space. It’s not a particularly small wedding, more that I have a huge family and we’ve lots of friends. My mum’s parents and her aunt are coming, my dad’s siblings are coming, so it’s not as if they’ll have nobody.

OP posts:
FoxtonFoxton · 09/12/2024 20:08

You don't know her, never met, your mum hasn't been extended a plus one and spaces are limited. Why should you exclude a closer friend or family member so your dad's on/off girlfriend can attend? Or be forced to squeeze a place in at your expense? There are more than enough valid reasons there to say no. He may choose not to come; that's up to him. Let's face it; chances are they won't be together this time next year and you'll have a random person in all your wedding photos.

Jellytotmum · 13/12/2024 07:43

It’s your wedding so invite who you want.

As you say, you don’t have space so your dad needs to understand that.

monkeysox · 13/12/2024 07:48

Give both parents a plus one. Ask dad and gf to visit you before the wedding.

ChristmasFluff · 13/12/2024 10:43

I think it's really off not to give both parents a 'plus one'.

Lurkingandlearning · 13/12/2024 11:08

How about telling your father that you finalised your guest list when they were on one of their breaks and there is absolutely no room for her without uninviting someone else?

I realise that is a passive way of pointing out his on / off girlfriend isn’t a priority, but he should know that as you’ve never met her. If you meeting her is important to him he needs to arrange another occasion as you are unlikely to have more than two minutes to spare during your wedding for someone you don’t know. If he wants to debut her he can throw a party on another day. But of course, your mum wouldn’t attend that, perhaps that’s the point- to show off his girlfriend in front of your mum.

SkunderlaiSkendi · 13/12/2024 11:10

Personally, it is a hard no, from me.

A wedding is an intimate and special time, witnessed by those nearest and dearest

Why would anyone even think that this is a time you would want gawping at by a complete stranger on this special time?

I would simply say 'No' - further explaination is not required and for your Dad to require you to explain yourself on this, is laughable. I would kindly advise him that if he has a problem with it, he too can uninvite hiimself

I think it is really off for anyone (especialy a parent) to expect a say on who you invite to your day.

Dont be pushed around on this

ForgottenPalace · 13/12/2024 13:25

DemonicCaveMaggot · 09/12/2024 19:38

The US etiquette for weddings is that if someone is cohabiting they are a social unit and get invited together to things. However, it sounds like your father and his paramour are not cohabiting so you don't need to invite her. A year isn't that long, you haven't met her, they are on/off so may not even be together in a month or so.

I'm an American, and yes, you're correct.

WendyA22 · 13/12/2024 13:53

LovelyGirlImelda · 09/12/2024 20:00

I suppose but (perhaps IAB a bit U) I have friends who I’d love to invite but we don’t have the space. It’s not a particularly small wedding, more that I have a huge family and we’ve lots of friends. My mum’s parents and her aunt are coming, my dad’s siblings are coming, so it’s not as if they’ll have nobody.

Show quote history

Just tell your mum and dad there isn't room for plus ones.

Original poster
LovelyGirlImelda · 15/12/2024 00:43

ChristmasFluff · 13/12/2024 10:43

I think it's really off not to give both parents a 'plus one'.

Out of interest, why?

OP posts:
CleverGreyDuck · 15/12/2024 00:43

Hopefully she’s reasonable and will understand not inviting her? The day isn’t about her

Kitkatcatflap · 15/12/2024 01:14

This sounds very familiar - have you posted this before. I remember the on/off girlfrien

HeddaGarbled · 15/12/2024 01:33

I’d also have to give my mum a +1 as well and frankly I don’t have the space

Make space. Your mum and your dad are your most important guests and if they want plus ones, that’s not unreasonable.

Original poster
LovelyGirlImelda · 15/12/2024 14:44

HeddaGarbled · 15/12/2024 01:33

I’d also have to give my mum a +1 as well and frankly I don’t have the space

Make space. Your mum and your dad are your most important guests and if they want plus ones, that’s not unreasonable.

My mum doesn’t want a +1, she only wants a +1 if dad is bringing his girlfriend. They both will have an extensive cast of family members attending with them, they don’t need +1s. We have also said no to fiancé’s parents wanting to invite their friends

OP posts: