Can a relationship be the same after cheating?

[Auntiegg]

Can a relationship ever be the same after one of you cheats?
My partner cheated with a woman and I'm so stupid, he would come home and speak about her all the time, I even said one night, I don't actually want to hear you talk about her anymore, they had sex in our bed when I was away with the children and I even FaceTimed him and she must of been there, he just went into another room and I was pregnant at the time.
I don't know what I feel yet, I don't think it's even sunk in.

No and definitely not after what that piece of detritus did.

@ChicBee my daughter is 28 weeks now so 4 months ago ish

No, the trust is gone
And the person cheating has known what it feels like to feel again, feel love, feel alive etc. And they will always miss that

@ChicBee his car was blocking mine in so I took his, I was going to my friends new house so needed the sat nav, the recent addresses was one I didn't recognise and when I asked him, his face said it all

He has ruined it and you know it. But you need a dh and a father for your dc and want a family setting for that - ok fine. So stay. However tell him clearly why you are staying and that he is not forgiven. He is useful to you and that’s it. Also tell him if you ever meet someone you yourself like, then you will have an affair too. You can do it or not do it, but make sure he now is uneasy that he messed up forever, doubt it will be have been worth it for him now…

You will never be able to trust him again.

Some people can park it deep in the back of their minds for both reasons. Others can't.

You shouldn't say because he's all you have ever know, you shouldn't stay for the children - they aren't reasons to stay, they are excuses not to leave.

Only stay if you want to, if you believe there's a change of salvaging this, if you won't let it eat away at you continuously.

Ultimately, it's your choice but I wouldn't be able to stay if it were me.

Do you have a supportive, friend, siblings etc to talk to?

I stayed with my husband after I caught him getting happy endings massages. I found out completely by accident and he admitted he would never have told me. It’s 18 months down the line and it’s still really hard, I sometimes question why I’m staying and trying. But he’s done everything I’ve asked of him, is a great dad and I truly believe we’re better parents together. I don’t hate him, I kind of wish I did. People think I’m mad for staying and I don’t blame them. However in your case I couldn’t stay. In your bed? While you were pregnant? Over a year long affair?? Unforgivable.

Discreetly cheating I might forgive, but fucking her in your bed and face timing you with her there... that is so disrespectful and was flaunting to her how little he cares about you/ how brazen he was about it all... that I would never be able to move past.

Can a relationship ever be the same after one of you cheats?

No, it's never the same but reconciliation is possible in some circumstances with a lot of hard work. The relationship can even be better than before. I'm living proof of that.

In your case, I'm not sure that I could have moved on from him bringing someone into our bed, especially when I was pregnant. But I'm not you, so it's irrelevant.

The online forum Surviving Infidelity is a much better place than Mumsnet for this kind of question. You'll get great support their from people who've been there, whether you choose to reconcile or not.

My husband cheated on me three times in the end because I kept taking him back. The last time was with my best friend. He left me for her.

It took me years to get over it and the only reason I didn't leave the first time was because I didn't have a job or any money or anywhere else to live. If I had just left the first time, I would have built myself back up more quickly and not had the years of anguish. I would have been proud of myself for acting strongly and taking the initiative. I ended up feeling like it was my fault and if only I had done something else it would never have happened.

You will never be able to trust him again. You will always be looking over your shoulder. Right now, he is not paying any consequences for his bad behaviour, you are.

If you look on trending threads you'll see two threads about a cheating husband (I know his secret...). The OP found out on Saturday at 11.30pm. By 5pm yesterday she had proof. By 6.30pm she'd sent him packing. She has a 3 year old and is 38 weeks pregnant.

Kick him out. It will be tough, but you will get through it.

From this particular circumstance, I would say it'd be impossible to get things back to normal...whatever that is.

My Mum had quite a longterm affair in the 1970s. It stopped by the early 80s but things between her and my Dad never healed. My Mum died a few years after the affair stopped and my Dad spent the rest of his life quite angry. They should've split up but didn't. People didn't so much then.

I think maybe for the kids sake I should try to make it work

No way! I’ve tried and it doesn’t work. We even had 2 of our ‘happiest’ years in between me trying to forgive but you never get over it.

As you said yourself OP if you hadn't found out his affair would still be going on. And you have no idea if he has cheated with other women before this one.
A man who takes his affair partner into the marital bed and Facetimes wife while the OW is actually in that bed has no boundaries whatsoever.
If you continue your marriage he will do whatever he choses as regards being unfaithful to you. You will never be able to trust him.
Your DC's deserve a happy mother who is not disrespected and treated with contempt in her own home.

As someone who has been through this and is still with the person whom has cheated. The answer is No.
if I could speak to that girl (me) all those years ago and found her that strength she needed at the time I would.
hes a waster. Let him go

I understand why you think that but it's not actually better for the children because you're unhappy. They need a happy mother.

He has utterly disrespected you and by taking him back you're saying it's OK to cheat on you - as long as he buys a new bed.

So he gets Christmas with you and the kids, you may be being intimate with him again and you have no guarantee that he'll leave this woman, and he could cheat again. You're miserable and he's got everything he wants and permission to do it again, or hide it better next time. How is that fair on you or the kids?

If you read all your posts, it's obvious that you're deeply hurt by him. It's been four months and you don't feel better, so he's not persuading you that it's different.

I'm sorry he's done this to you and I think you need support. Maybe go to your family for Christmas without him so you can get lots of support.

I stayed for 4 months after I found out about DPs affair, I wasn't pregnant but had been trying and was seeing fertility specialists.

I became a shell of myself. Please read chumplady. Lose a cheater, gain a life. It's a book and a website.

You ALWAYS have it in the back of your mind. It consumes you. It's not even the physical part but the deceit and betrayal. The fact that the person who is meant to be your protector is actually your assassin

Stay strong. It gets better. Find your anger and let that propel you forward.

from the women I know who have decided to end the relationship (sometimes a few years later) thay are certainly happier than those that have stayed with their husbands

The children can still see their dad. You need to be honestcwith yourself as to what you can live with.
In situations where it's just a matter of where someone's ego was boosted and they made a mistake is one thing and possibly recoverable.
To have sex with her in your bed whilst you were pregnant is on another level.

I don't know how you could even stand to be in the same room as him, what he's done is horrible

Please have some self-respect and leave him. You are not setting a good example to the children by accepting him treating you like shit.