To tell DH I am not paying toward this?

asweetu · 2024-12-09T07:17:26+00:00

I think to start I need to paint a bit of a history with this. My husband has an older DC and we also share one together. I met DH when his son was about 5, he is now 14. When DSS was younger I felt like I was expected to pitch in a lot with time and money but never consulted about anything. I did all sorts school drop offs, all meals, washing clothes, went along to sit at hobbies in the rain at the weekend even though it really wasn't necessary and so on, looked after him all weekend while both parents worked over time etc.. but no one ever wanted my opinion on anything or to include me at all in decisions, so I felt a bit used and like a nanny. It caused a few arguments with me and DH and eventually I took a big step back and whilst I do care for and get on with SS, I am not massively involved and tend to leave everything to his parents now. We also now share one young DC. We have also never had joint finances, and for lots of reasons, inc the above, I have never wanted to. So onto the issue now... DH is going on about wanting to do up DSS's room. Which is fine, sounds lovely! He has lots of plans for it (and tbf it does need doing) but they are all pretty expensive sounding plans, he wants new everything, new fancy bed, gaming set up, new flooring, decorating etc.. And he is wanting me to contribute toward it. I have said no. I don't mind helping to paint or whatever but I'm not paying for a full room revamp. I won't be consulted on anything, just told what DH wants to do so I'm not contributing and think he can pay for all of it. Aibu?

Codlingmoths · 09/12/2024 07:19

My kids won’t have gaming set ups in their room on principle so I definitely wouldn’t be! I think you say calmly I told you years ago I’m not an atm, if I have no role in decision making nor are my opinions welcome I’m not a source of cash either, nothing has changed. You’re the parent, you’re quite clear on that, I’m not your atm.

DustyLee123 · 09/12/2024 07:19

Do you have a will in place, making sure everything of yours goes to your own children, and is your house ( if you own it) as tenants in common?

Tiswa · 09/12/2024 07:20

I Agee with you you either get to be a full participant and allowed opinions etc or nothing and as he just wants money it is nothing

Original poster

asweetu · 09/12/2024 07:21

DustyLee123 · 09/12/2024 07:19

Do you have a will in place, making sure everything of yours goes to your own children, and is your house ( if you own it) as tenants in common?

Yes! I also worked with my parents to put my inheritance from them in a trust for my child if I die before they (parents) do.

OP posts:

BruceAndNosh · 09/12/2024 07:23

Will this decorating enhance the value of your house? It's unlikely as kids rooms tend to be quite personalised and niche.
I would contribute financially to doing up the bathroom that DSS uses but not his bedroom.
You've offered to help actually paint which is your contribution

DrFosterWentToGloucester23 · 09/12/2024 07:23

I assume this is your house so a revamp will make your house look nicer? You say it needs doing? If so, I’d contribute to the basics (paint, carpet, curtains, standard bed etc) However, I’d draw the line at the luxuries such as the gaming chair. Could that be a Christmas present from the two of you? Maybe set a limit for your contribution. Say £300. Could that be a compromise?

Original poster

asweetu · 09/12/2024 07:23

Sometimes I feel he'd be happy to involve me but only if my opinion matches his. If it doesn't then DSS is his son, not mine so 🤷‍♀️ and heaven forbid I ever criticise anything DSS does. That's another thing, he can do nothing wrong, unless it's DH who notices it then he can, but if it's me that brings something up then no it couldn't possibly be.

OP posts:

Semiramide · 09/12/2024 07:25

You are unreasonable about not contributing, but he is unreasonable in expecting you to fall in with his (expensive!) plans without discussion.

You need to be a team - both in terms of life planning and money management.

RosieLeaf · 09/12/2024 07:26

Yanbu, he can’t have it both ways.

needsomewarmsunshine · 09/12/2024 07:49

Sounds very selfish on h's part if he doesn't consult with you. I wouldn't pay into this nonsense, help with the work maybe but not contribute financally.
Good for you OP for setting up the reust fund for your child. Do they get all the trimmings and money lavished on them from dad or is it just his first son?

AlertCat · 09/12/2024 07:50

asweetu · 09/12/2024 07:23

Sometimes I feel he'd be happy to involve me but only if my opinion matches his. If it doesn't then DSS is his son, not mine so 🤷‍♀️ and heaven forbid I ever criticise anything DSS does. That's another thing, he can do nothing wrong, unless it's DH who notices it then he can, but if it's me that brings something up then no it couldn't possibly be.

Then no, if he is the Parent for this type of thing while you’re a nobody who does some useful babysitting, then it’s unreasonable of him to expect you to make Parent-style financial contributions when he wants to do the fancy performative gift thing.

Daleksatemyshed · 09/12/2024 08:01

If you'd usually share redecorating costs then I'd contribute something towards the basics but not the expensive extras. I wonder if your DH wants the bedroom as fancy as possible to encourage your DSS to come over more, 14 is prime age for kids wanting to spend more time with friends. Still doesn't make it your responsability to pay

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 09/12/2024 08:02

Mot a good idea getting a gaming chair just as he's at the final two years at school.and approaching major exams.

Brainded · 09/12/2024 08:04

asweetu · 09/12/2024 07:23

Sometimes I feel he'd be happy to involve me but only if my opinion matches his. If it doesn't then DSS is his son, not mine so 🤷‍♀️ and heaven forbid I ever criticise anything DSS does. That's another thing, he can do nothing wrong, unless it's DH who notices it then he can, but if it's me that brings something up then no it couldn't possibly be.

Well blood is thicker than water @asweetu we all know that!

rainbowstardrops · 09/12/2024 08:12

As he doesn't include you in any decision making and doesn't value your opinion, I definitely wouldn't contribute financially. He's made it perfectly clear the lad is HIS son, so he can pay!

Dragonsandcats · 09/12/2024 08:12

With your update it sounds like he’s being unreasonable. Sounds like the room decoration is the tip of the iceberg though?

Dollshousedolly · 09/12/2024 08:20

If you own/partly own the house, I’d contribute something. The amount would depend on the condition of the rest of the house and how much I could afford. If other rooms in the house had a more urgent need of re-decorating, etc. I’d concentrate on those rooms first.

It seems a little sad that you don’t want your DS to have a lovely room though. Could you ask your DH for a budget of the intended work and contribute what you think is a reasonable level - at the least contribute to paint/flooring/lighting/curtains, if you have a share in the house.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 09/12/2024 08:40

I’d contribute to the flooring and paint on condition that the three of you agree on materials and colours. Special furniture is down to DH

barbarahunter · 09/12/2024 08:44

Someone upthread suggested that this is just the tip of the iceberg, and I was wondering the same thing. Do you want to stay with him, OP?

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 09/12/2024 08:53

asweetu · 09/12/2024 07:23

Sometimes I feel he'd be happy to involve me but only if my opinion matches his. If it doesn't then DSS is his son, not mine so 🤷‍♀️ and heaven forbid I ever criticise anything DSS does. That's another thing, he can do nothing wrong, unless it's DH who notices it then he can, but if it's me that brings something up then no it couldn't possibly be.

Goodness. No, I would not want to contribute in this case.

Bathroom renovations or a new floor (especially if done in a manner that would enhance the general value of your house and not insanely specific to your DSS) is something I would contribute to. But I would expect to be actively involved in the decision making process. Not just treated like an ATM!!

thepariscrimefiles · 09/12/2024 09:13

asweetu · 09/12/2024 07:23

Sometimes I feel he'd be happy to involve me but only if my opinion matches his. If it doesn't then DSS is his son, not mine so 🤷‍♀️ and heaven forbid I ever criticise anything DSS does. That's another thing, he can do nothing wrong, unless it's DH who notices it then he can, but if it's me that brings something up then no it couldn't possibly be.

I certainly wouldn't be contributing to the expensive bed/gaming equipment and I would only be contributing to the flooring/decorating if my opinions/choices had equal weight and if they would increase the value of the house.

Does your DH favour his DS over your shared child? Does he contribute equally to things your shared child needs? This would also affect my response.

Nothatgingerpirate · 09/12/2024 09:20

Well, no way would I ever have got involved with a man who has a child, so these feelings of being used were spared to me.
YANBU for how you feel about your situation,
crazy to have put yourself through it.

Meadowfinch · 09/12/2024 09:25

DrFosterWentToGloucester23 · 09/12/2024 07:23

I assume this is your house so a revamp will make your house look nicer? You say it needs doing? If so, I’d contribute to the basics (paint, carpet, curtains, standard bed etc) However, I’d draw the line at the luxuries such as the gaming chair. Could that be a Christmas present from the two of you? Maybe set a limit for your contribution. Say £300. Could that be a compromise?

This.

I'd contribute to paint and redecoration but not to furniture, tech and gaming chair. Those are specifically for his son.

Allfur · 09/12/2024 09:27

It doesnt sound like a very blended family

SnoopySantaPaws · 07/02/2025 17:09

Your DH has a bloody cheek expecting you to contribute

He has spent nine years telling you that DS is his child and he makes the parental decisions not you so now he gets to pay for a fun makeover for his son's bedroom!!

I would have been happy to have got together with a man who already had children, I have children in my life that aren't biologically mine that I love as much as if they were so it wouldn't have been an issue but I couldn't stay with a man who considered my feelings and thoughts irrelevant re that child.

this can't be the first time though that your financial contribution has been expected for things that only relate to DSS what has happened previously for trips and the like??