Am I being taking for granted by partner?

[Lazysusy]

I need some outside perspective on my finance situation with my partner.

I earn around 3x his NMW salary, I also own my home outright. We’ve been together 3.5 years, he moved in with me 2 years ago. He pays £300pm towards utilities and food.

We tend to take it in turns to pay for meals out. We go on a lot of holidays, which I end up paying about 80% of the associated costs.

He’s a nice, kind and loving man and generally I’m happy in the relationship, but I’ve started thinking about our set-up and feel resentful that he’s benefitting from my hard work- his monthly outgoings are low because we’re fortunate to not have mortgage or rent costs because I worked my butt off to progress in my career and saved a lot of my salary to pay my mortgage off early. Also he gets to go on amazing holidays at little expense to himself, because the holidays are mostly paid for by me. He could earn more than NMW, but he doesn’t want to progress, he says he ‘works to live’ - this attitude frustrates me.

I don’t think he would intentionally take advantage of me financially (he’s a very simple guy, kind and not disingenuous in any way), but I feel like he’s taking me for granted and maybe some changes are needed, ideas for what would be great.

I suppose I’d feel differently if he showed more appreciation, such as treating me to a night away occasionally or a nice meal out (other than the regular meals twice per month, where we take turns in paying)

My AIBU is;

IABU - yes, he’s benefitting from me financially, but that’s normal in relationships where there’s a big difference in earnings, at least he’s a kind and loving partner.

IANBU - he’s taking me for granted. If you vote this, what would you recommend I do differently? (Not paying so much towards the holidays, may mean less holidays, which I wouldn’t want to happen).

I wouldn't like that, either. He's having a lovely lifestyle while doing bugger all himself.

Does he do more housework?

No, I do all the cooking, about 80% of the housework, all life admin (sorting insurances, food orders, appointments, reservations, all holidays bookings including parking etc).

He does the recycling, putting the bins out and will pop the vacuum cleaner around every couple of days.

I think you need to ensure he can get no access/rights to your home. Don’t marry him.

but in answer to your main question, I think he needs to pay more. Can’t afford it? Then go on holiday or the theatre with your friends instead so he doesn’t totally benefit from all you hard work. It’s easy to say live to work, when you are living rent free in someone else’s house

In what way(s) is he nice, kind and loving?

I do think YABU to be honest. He is paying (presumably what you requested) towards bills and utilities and you take it in turn to pay for meals out.

Feeling annoyed that he doesn't earn as much as you do is daft. And I guess you invited him to move into your fully paid for home, so complaining that he's getting the benefit of it now is pointless.

The division of housework doesn't sound fair - but that's not what you are complaining about. You are complaining about money.

He is taking you for granted. DH earns more than me and works more hours, but I do more housework and did more childcare.

Why do you do all that?

Did you not think if you let someone freeload off you with regards to finances and domestic chores then you would start to resent them?

You’re not happy with the status quo so think about what would make you happier and talk to him.

So for £300 a month, a bit of vacuuming and five minutes of recycling and bins he gets food, lodging, bills, all his meals made, laundry done, housework done and life admin done, plus subsidised holidays. And a loving relationship, low stress job and presumably more leisure time.

Sounds like he’s got the life of Riley!

Normally when a post appears on MN regarding differences in earnings the answer is the higher earner should indeed contribute more financially.

£300 per month is peanuts. I can't understand how your out goings are so low op.
I am rent /mortgage free and out goings plus food are £2k

This is the bit that needs to change imo.

This.

He could earn more than NMW, but he doesn’t want to progress, he says he ‘works to live’ - this attitude frustrates me.

He’s having a fabulous life with little
housework - at your expense.

You are definitely being taken for granted.

How much does he earn?

Please do NOT marry him or put him in your will!

Depends what you want with him.

Life partner? Then YABU. Who earns more shouldn't be an issue, as long as youre able live successfully and happily as a team.

Temporary boyfriend or casual fling? Then YANBU - make him pay his way.

Well you knew he was going to be benefiting from your hard work when you let him move in and only have him pay £300 for his expenses.

IMO he should pay half of all ultilties and food. Surely it’s more than £300 a month?

Is he an otherwise decent person and sexual partner?

My personal experience is it’s a very difficult one to get right, most men who out earned me are not interested in the likes of me. They want somebody 20 years younger who they can feel like the big man flashing around the cash that maybe she would consider a treat whereas I would consider normal if that makes sense.
And then you’ve got the guys who are mega mega rich who wouldn’t be interested in me in the slightest because I’m probably 30 years too old for them.
which then leaves me a decision I want to date somebody who is knowing that it will be me paying for everything and then it’s down to what he brings to the table. In every other way. Is he kind? Thoughtful? Does he just generally make my life better and easier and more fun?
And there aren’t many of them around, unfortunately

TBH his lack of ambition would give me the ick. It doesn't sound likes he's deliberately taken advantage of you (although he to some extent) but what would happen if you couldn't continent working etc

If you earn 3 times as much as him is £300 one quarter of your monthly outgoings? So they total £1200? If so it’s not an unreasonable sum for him to pay, but he should be doing at least an equal amount of housework.
Even on minimum wage he should be able to contribute a decent sum towards holidays if he only pays £300 towards bills and food.

Just no.
What do you need him for?
He's freeloading, you are enabling. Why?

I am your DP. My DP earns 3x what I earn. I earn the maximum that I can. I will never earn what DP does. DP owns his house outright, following years of hard work. I completely understand that I have no claim on it. If DP were to drop dead tomorrow his DC would inherit the house and I would be homeless but I think that's fair, why should I be entitled to any of DP's estate when he worked hard for it.

I do my fair share of the housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. I think this is your main problem, your DP not doing their share. It doesn’t matter who pays the bills, you both create the dirt and mess.

If your DP is a lovely person, you have a great time together and you are happy together then the money shouldn't be an issue. The fact that it is suggests it's not the money at all, it sounds like you've had enough of the relationship and want to move on?

@Nothatgingerpirate ·
What do you need him for?
Sex?

If you both work full time you should split household tasks equally. I don’t find it fair to expect him to do more; that division should be about free time, not earnings. But he certainly shouldn’t be doing less! Nip that in the bud and you may resent him less.

Regarding work, you just have different priorities. As long as you are with him you should both have a similar lifestyle. If you can’t get past your resentment that you’re the one financing it, perhaps you are simply not compatible.