Am I being taking for granted by partner?

[Lazysusy]

I need some outside perspective on my finance situation with my partner.

I earn around 3x his NMW salary, I also own my home outright. We’ve been together 3.5 years, he moved in with me 2 years ago. He pays £300pm towards utilities and food.

We tend to take it in turns to pay for meals out. We go on a lot of holidays, which I end up paying about 80% of the associated costs.

He’s a nice, kind and loving man and generally I’m happy in the relationship, but I’ve started thinking about our set-up and feel resentful that he’s benefitting from my hard work- his monthly outgoings are low because we’re fortunate to not have mortgage or rent costs because I worked my butt off to progress in my career and saved a lot of my salary to pay my mortgage off early. Also he gets to go on amazing holidays at little expense to himself, because the holidays are mostly paid for by me. He could earn more than NMW, but he doesn’t want to progress, he says he ‘works to live’ - this attitude frustrates me.

I don’t think he would intentionally take advantage of me financially (he’s a very simple guy, kind and not disingenuous in any way), but I feel like he’s taking me for granted and maybe some changes are needed, ideas for what would be great.

I suppose I’d feel differently if he showed more appreciation, such as treating me to a night away occasionally or a nice meal out (other than the regular meals twice per month, where we take turns in paying)

My AIBU is;

IABU - yes, he’s benefitting from me financially, but that’s normal in relationships where there’s a big difference in earnings, at least he’s a kind and loving partner.

IANBU - he’s taking me for granted. If you vote this, what would you recommend I do differently? (Not paying so much towards the holidays, may mean less holidays, which I wouldn’t want to happen).

Fuck that. Why are you carrying him in every aspect of your life? Sit him down and say this isn’t a partnership, I can’t believe you haven’t voluntarily done 50/50 of the housework but I can’t live with it anymore.

He has a sweet deal. He pays a few hundred a month for his living expenses, and expects you to support the household financially and do most of the grunt work, too. No. Just no.

I have nothing against stay-at-home partners, but they need to contribute equally to the partnership.

he says he ‘works to live’

Except that it doesn't sound as if he is working to live, more that he is cruising and letting you pick up the strain.

How do you honestly feel about that? Are you prepared to essentially pay for his company

Financially, what I think is fair is to agree the budget for your household expenses and then split that cost in proportion to your income.

As for household tasks, I don't see why you can't split those more evenly. You are currently subsidising his lifestyle both financially and by picking up the majority of the household chores.

You may be happy with this split at the moment, how do you see this changing over time. Are you likely to remain as you are? If you might want a family together at some point, do you think he will suddenly step up or are you prepared to continue carrying him ?

Doing the recycling takes about 5 minutes. Cooking, cleaning and food shopping is way tougher. Stop doing it.

Does he have savings? Do you save money together? What does he do with his money?

£300 a month doesn't cover much in the way of utilities and shopping.

I think this is probably a big source of your resentment. He should be doing half of everything. Wage differences are common but you should be getting equal free time. Tbh I’d be pretty fucked off if I was paying for most things and my partner couldn’t even be arsed to do his share of the household tasks, imo thats more important than the money. It’s treating you like a skivvy. I’d definitely put someone out for that.

I think you’re just fundamentally different people are probably not compatible.

My husband & I are more like him in that we earn a good salary but if a promotion came up tomorrow that was 100k a year more but came with more work, more stress, more time away from “our” life- we wouldn’t take it. We don’t live to work, we work to live, so we work the jobs we do (and we enjoy our jobs) because it allows us to have the lifestyle we want, that extra 100k might mean we could drive around in a brand new 100k car or go on 10 expensive holidays a year but those things wouldn’t make us any happier, the extra work and stress would make us LESS happy. There isn’t, for us, a direct link between a high flying career and happiness, we are happy as we are.

My friend is more like you and is very career driven, always looking for the next promotion, working towards the next bonus, she’s always away on amazing expensive holidays and dines in amazing expensive restaurants, she’s really happy, living like that makes her happy and she wouldn’t want to be any other way.

My friend isn’t wrong to be happy with her choices, I’m not wrong to my happy with my choices, we’re just different people and so different things make us happy.

Your problem is this: Not paying so much towards the holidays, may mean less holidays, which I wouldn’t want to happen.You can’t force him to want the things you want, promotions and more money etc, it sounds like he’d be quite happy without these holidays etc, so if they are what make YOU happy then that’s your issue. In a relationship with a difference in income you have 2 choices:

1. You live according to the budget of the person with the lowest income, so maybe that means 10 days in Spain in the summer as your annual holiday rather than 3 different abroad holidays each year.

2. The person with more money subsidises the cost.

You’re not willing to do number 1, so that leaves number 2.

Not everybody values things the same way.

So id put a stop to you doing all the housework immediately. If he wants traditional gender roles he can start fulfilling his end of the bargain. As to his financial contribution - are you paying more than him for the utilities and groceries etc or about the same? I wouldn't expect him to make a rent contribution given the mortgage is paid off.

The mismatch of income isn't so much of a problem as the mismatch of effort each of you are putting into the relationship to make it enjoyable.

You do ALL the cooking (& presumably all the food shopping and prep that goes with that)
80% of the cleaning
All the life admin, pay all the bills, organise holidays and trips and nights out etc.

He pays £300 a month 🤯 when most adult DC living with their parents chip in more than that.

He does no cooking, minimal cleaning and treats you like his mother in most aspects of life.

That's not a partnership or an equal loving relationship.

How do you find a man who treats you like his mother and his maid attractive?

Thank you for your responses.

Regarding the split of house chores - I was doing everything before he moved in, I sort of just continued doing that. He can’t cook, I’ve tried to teach him a few basic recipes, but it’s honestly easier to cook myself than deal with him taking 2 hours to cook a basic meal while using every kitchen pan / tool, I forgot to mention in my previous post that he does the washing up when I’ve cooked.

I don’t mind covering the bigger share of costs given that I earn more, it’s the being taken for granted that I don’t like, as some one said upthread- I’d also love to ‘work to live’ if I was being provided with a lovely home rent free and nice holidays (actually, I like being financially independent so in reality I probably wouldn’t want this set up myself).

I agree with posters who have said that I should address the split of chores, this may reduce the resentment that I feel.

This hit home. I think you’re right that we have different outlooks on life and maybe that’s something I should think about more than who pays for what.

How old are you both? Does your expenditure on him mean you save less for savings/retirement/children? I would advise you ensure you are not sacrificing your finances because you subsidise him. That would be something you regret big time.

However what are his plans for retirement?

Honestly I think it is.

For some people money does buy happiness because the things money buys makes them happy- new cars, lots of holidays, expensive meals out etc.

For other people, sort of like my husband and I, as long as we have the money to be financially secure and live the lifestyle we want to live, extra money won’t make us any happier. A trip to Dubai and New York every year won’t make me any happier than a trip to Spain with our family. A 150k car won’t make me any happier than a 50k car.

Not everybody is compatible, that’s part of life, but by trying to push him into being something he’s not you’ll end up hurting both of you.

Years ago I earnt loads more than DH (then DP) and had no issue with treating him, but he did pull his weight everywhere else. It was the other way round for years, and now he's retired and we are back to the start. He still pulls his weight and our "pot" has always been joint. If you are resentful, you need to decide if it is because he doesn't equally contribute in ways other than money, or if being with someone who doesn't earn the same is the issue. Many women would be in situation where they don't earn a fraction of their DH's salary but noone would be calling them lazy cocklodgers.

Always ends up with resentment when the woman earns more. And 'don't marry him', but men who earn more are expected to marry their partners.

Why have you chosen to be the adult in the relationship.
You are behaving like his mother not his partner.
Why would he be ambitious when he lives off you.

Do you want children?
If you do you will have two children while you do it all alone.
Try and figure out why your bar is so low?
He does little, earns little but is happy out for you to do it all and earn it nearly all.

I don't see the appeal of such a man, certainly not for a woman who wants a family.

Normally when the man earns more (why do you think this happens so often?) the woman is doing the lion share of childcare and housework. This guy is paying a pittance digs in the way he would if he was living with parents, getting everything done for him and getting taken on nice free holidays because he fancies doing a stress free low paid job and "working to live"

What is his job?
What is your job?