To not bother with Christmas

[MissDollyMix]

First world problem here, I appreciate that. Interested to know if anyone else feels the same way? I used to adore Christmas but the past few years it’s just felt more and more like a chore and less and less enjoyable. This year I’ve been so busy with work and life that I haven’t had a chance to put the Christmas decorations up. The DC are older now, once they’d got their grubby mitts on their advent calendars they don’t seem bothered with the rest. No one has asked where the Christmas tree or decorations are. Now I’ve dragged everything out of the garage and put on a Christmas movie but no one is interested in helping me and I’m just exhausted with life! I really can’t be bothered. Christmas used to feel so magical but now? It’s just another chore. I always organise everything. All the special Christmas days out, the presents, the food. I just can’t face it anymore and I’m wondering if I didn’t do it, would anyone step in? Would anyone actually notice? Would anyone even care? I’m so over bearing this so-called ‘mother load.’ AIBU?

Oh I am very sure, your five year old may well remember last Christmas but come back in ten years time and tell me what they can remember!
My 18 year old knows they always had great Christmases and really enjoyed them throughout their childhood but they can't remember specifics about each one.

We had a family crisis at Christmas 4 years ago, and in addition go abroad at Xmas, and we haven't put the tree up since! We put lights up in the windows and get out the little light up village and and a few bits and bobs we cherish, and it all looks really festive. Tbh really we haven't missed the tree much at all. Maybe one day we will, but so far each year we say thank goodness we're not putting the tree up!

I think as they get older, you need to move from magic to fun, if that makes sense.

But I do think you need to persevere with a few traditions without much input if you want them to look back and think "we always had mince pies for Christmas eve' or whatever.

Try putting the tree up and see how the rest goes. Don't get bogged down with it.

I've put a few outside decs up today, and I'm thinking about putting only the tree up this year.

As for food and treats, I won't go overboard, I didn't last year, and was so relieved at not having to deal with copious leftovers that you don't want to chuck, but can't face eating either.

I wouldn't stage a Christmas protest but I would put up the tree and scale back the rest. Christmas should be fun, not a chore and you might need to readjust now your children are older.

I think both options are ok. It’s ok to cajole them into helping and it’s equally ok to let them know that you’re going to keep things simple this year with just Christmas dinner and presents.

I grew up in another religion and didn’t have Christmas. It was like any other day for us, despite all my friends celebrating, and it didn’t do me any harm. Literally didn’t think anything of it!

People put too much pressure on themselves. If you have a partner, ask if they can put the tree up. If not, just explain that you’re trying a year of no tree and if they miss it, you’ll put it up next year with a little help. No biggy.

Mine are older now but I've pared back Christmas, particularly the decorations. I like having the tree up and some outside lights but that's about it. I agree with others that you do have to delegate some tasks and give a list of jobs rather than expecting teens to get excited in the same way they did when they were younger.

Funnily though, I asked DC about Christmas memories recently. The one they both raved about was one of the 'Covid Christmases' when we had no visitors. We drove to the coast, took a picnic of lovely Christmas snacks, hot chocolate in a flask, and a tiny bottle of fizz. We then came home for presents, films, games, and an M&S curry. Just shows that sometimes you don't need to go 'full on' Christmas.

Thank you, and that is reassuring because I really cannot keep this up! I now know why my dm took started putting the tree up while I was at school. I think I'll enjoy a nice orderly everybody putting a decoration on kind of Christmas.
Last weekend was absolute chaos, with some very nearly broken ornaments. I am at the same time trying the breath it all in. They say there is nothing better than the magical believing in Santa years, and I love seeing their faces, it is amazing beyond words. I am still looking forward to watching, them grow and enjoying Christmas in a different way too.

Well, good news: it's only Advent. So take your time. Lots of people go into Xmas-overdrive so pace yourself. It's supposed to be fun.

Definitely involve your DCs. What decorations do they really like? Now that they've eaten a few choccies from the Advent calendars, maybe they're ready to help plan?

Put up any decorations that please you whenever you want - I've put a wreath on the door so far. When the weather clears, I'll put up the outdoor lights. Later this month, but not too late, I'll put up a tree and decorate it with the ornaments I love from my childhood and my DCs'

I think when you're ready, you'll know and you'll be thinking 'I miss X decoration' and will find the time to bring it out.

The last day of Christmas is the 5th of Jan, so keep them up longer if you put them up later.

Teenagers are so self absorbed and have absolutely no concept of parents being tired and the amount of work involved with running a home, working and trying to make things special for them.

But you can make it a good Christmas without finishing yourself off. Sit them down and ask them what they would like to do this year. As they get older you have to find new ways to enjoy their company and have fun. Take them to the pub on Christmas Eve and stay out late, play cards or get some new board games and play for a bit of money! Put them in charge of the menu, and then go with the flow.

@MissDollyMix to be honest I've. NEver felt it felt magical beyond kids being about 8 - and once you've got adult kids and they might be here for bits of it but mostly it's just you and partner or parents or other adults it's different again -

At that age my nieces decorated the Christmas tree themselves. BIL bought the tree and I sat on the sofa sorting decorations into colours for them and they popped the lights and decorations on while I watched with no input from me, and they did a great job. I'd ask your kids if they want a tree but let them know you will be handing decorating to them. Everything else I would scale back or not do. You sound like you need to rest, your wellbeing is important too.

I think you can "do Christmas" without half the fuss people make about it. Putting up the tree takes an hour, if you have a wreath hang it on the door. Buy most of the food ready made, buy gifts online and if you're stuck give money.

If that's all you feel up to and your family isn't clamouring for anything more, then job done - try and get your feet up over the holidays.

I don't think we can demand that our children get in the spirit and make things feel magical. As long as they are civil and don't moan, that is okay. I also don't think it would be okay for a parent to throw a tantrum and cancel Christmas because their teenagers didn't want to watch a movie and deck the tree, but I am willing to bet you would never actually do that anyway!

drape a few fairy lights randomly in a couple of rooms (for yourself) and you know, if you gave them the Christmases when they were young, lock down the memory and know you did well. It should be time to relax now so let them put the tree up, let them help cook the dinner and know that time is over.

Ok so to update: firstly thank you so much to those who have taken the time to write such eminently sensible advice. I did try and get the kids involved. DS (14) came downstairs and put about 3 baubles on the tree before retreating on his mobile. DD has her nose in a book and has barely left her bedroom all weekend. I suppose I can’t complain that she’s a book worm! I shouldn’t have to beg tho! If they don’t feel the magic, they don’t feel the magic. It makes me sad because I still loved Christmas at their age. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they love the presents!
I’ve got the main tree up and put some decorations up. I’ve asked the kids what makes Christmas magical for them and they just shrugged and said “Dunno. Presents?”

Yes, to the person who asked where my DH is in all of this- conspicuous is in his absence!! He’s a workaholic and has spent the whole weekend tied up in his office. He finally emerged and said he was too tired to help. I feel bad for him and it’s not worth the battle to force someone to join in with this.

We’re spending Christmas Day on the other side of the country with my in-laws. The DC don’t want to go, they are pretty fed up about it. That’s a story for a whole other thread though! (Should say my in-laws are perfectly pleasant people. This isn’t a MIL bashing thread)

I lost interest in Christmas years ago! My dses are now young adults and like a fairly quiet Christmas themselves.

I focus on the bits I enjoy, the lights, the music, the excuse to eat party food, that’s it really. If it were up to me, I’d have a pre lit tree with very little on it but DH does the decorations so it’s looks like Christmas in our house.

I’m used to working Christmas which is probably partly why I lost interest years ago.

This year, we will be with family as we lost my brother this year in an accident. He loved Christmas and was all about family meals so we will do it for him but it’s hard, coming to terms with life without dbro in it and I’d rather just let it pass me by really and go to work. That would be selfish though so I will do it for my family.

I just wouldn't bother. If they want decorations, they could help put it up. It's not your responsibility.

They clearly don't care. Match their energy.

I actually don't think that approach is okay with your own children.

Probably not. But I wouldn't do anything when they can't even say what's special about Christmas apart from the presents they're given.

My mum would have scaled right back if we'd said that. It seems really ungrateful to me.

Would your mother have chosen to put you to the test by asking "What do you find magical about Christmas?", and cancelled Christmas if you got the answer wrong?

There is no law that anyone - but especially teenagers - have to find Christmas magical. It is perfectly okay for an 11 year old to be more excited about their presents than trimming the tree.

I feel really strongly that 'special events' are much more fun when everyone gets a chance to discuss what (and what not) to do, rather than it being a production. I simply loved the signs that I was getting older when I got to provide some input

Take some time to put together a family calendar (with clear deadlines and responsibilities ) to make sure that you are only doing things that are either really appreciated or things you want to do.

It might be a bit more effort up front but it will be worth it in the end.

From what's OP saying she's just not decorating. That's not cancelling Christmas. Teenagers can be excited about presents. And OP is entitled to not bother with the tree. Even her husband isn't interested in helping. I'm with OP is wondering what the point is. It'll be Christmas without the tree.

And ditto days out which she also mentioned, sorry. Why go through all the planning etc, if they don't care?

Takeaway/hot chocolates and put up the tree with cosy pjs and a Christmas film ?? Being a Mum who does all of Christmas is hard but get them involved, make them help. I bet they are still expecting presents!! X