To take DD's phone away

[TeaAddicted]

My youngest daughter has recently turned 12. This weekend I found out that she has been regularly posting videos on social media. Most of them are 'get ready with me' videos (filmed before school or at the weekend) but there are also others of her dancing, sometimes suggestively, in shorts or summer-style PJs. She is in her school uniform in some of them. The videos have a lot of likes and saves. Some of the comments are telling her how hot she is and asking if she has Snapchat.

I bought her a phone on the understanding that she doesn't have social media accounts until she's older and she was only meant to use it to keep in contact with family and friends. She is signed up on Instagram and TikTok. I only found out about this because she accidentally left her phone at home when she was at her dad's house and notifications were coming through. When she came back, I made her unlock the phone and I checked it and saw what she'd posted. She was angry that I made her show her accounts and said that it was none of my business and all her friends use social media. She has now said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with my partner and I as planned and that she's going to her dad's house instead. She knows this will hurt me as my eldest daughter lives abroad and I said the other day that I like us all together.

I phoned her dad (my ex-husband) and it turns out he knew all about this and doesn't see anything wrong with it. I told him anyone could watch and save these videos. It's for this reason that she thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread, because he lets her do whatever she wants. She conveniently forgets that he walked out on us when she was a toddler for another woman but that's another story. He has an older teenage stepdaughter who DD looks up to and I'm sure she has been encouraging her to post. She was dancing with her in some of the TikToks.

AIBU to take away her phone? She is locked away in her room now and not speaking to me but I'm not comfortable with her going on social media yet.

Well why would you give her a phone without setting up parental controls?

This. She can't get on SM if you have to approve the app being downloaded in the first place

AIBU to take away her phone? She is locked away in her room now and not speaking to me but I'm not comfortable with her going on social media yet.

I wouldn't take it away, no. Like pps I think you have to take a bit of responsibility for this. Up the parental control and speak to her about staying safe online. This 'not speaking' when unhappy with something needs addressing too, it's a horrible way to treat people and unless you teach her that she will carry it into adulthood.

YWBU extremely unreasonable to allow her a phone without parental controls on in the first place, but that ship has sailed. You shouldn't have left her to decide what was safe or a good idea, she's far too young. Take control now, she gets the phone back once all SM is deleted and parental controls are installed, she isn't allowed a password you don't know and you do random spot checks that she knows you will do.

This! OP, you need to lock her phone down much much more than you already have. Are her social media accounts public?? Who the hell tells a 13 year old girl that they are ‘hot’ - makes my skin crawl.

of course you can take her phone away from her. A phone for a child is a privilege not a necessity.

But you shouldn’t have let it get to this stage in the first place. All parental controls and locks should be in place. If you weren’t sure how to do this you could have easily gone into an Apple Store.

your daughter should be made clear that you are allowed to look at her phone at any time you deem necessary. Phone should be left with you at bedtime so it’s not in her room over night.

make her watch some educational videos with you about being online and what we decide to post and say etc. plenty of information on sites like nspcc etc.

She is you child not your friend. Stop tip toeing around her being afraid to upset her and be a parent. You’re there to protect her.

Why don't you have controls on the phone? Why does she have the phone when she's getting ready?

Have a look at CEOP for some advice and send the link to your ex.
https://www.ceopeducation.co.uk/parents/Listing/?cat=86&ref=4765&keyWord=

Yes, you should take it away - and don't give it back until you've set up parental controls. This is your fault.

Set up parental controls, that’s what they’re there for.

She’s not even 13, only 12! Disgusting 🤢

Okay, first of all - it might be normal for other parents to not read their kids phones and have access, but its not safe. You can fix this now. There's loads of advice online about setting up parental.controls so you can see everything she does. Have a read up and don't give the phone back until you've figured out what the rules are moving forward and let her know

My old landlady's daughter did similar, however her elder brother noticed and went ballistic. Along with his girlfriend, they explained to her in words of one syllable who could be watching and sharing her posts. She had no idea of the danger or the risk to herself... her phone was confiscated and she was only allowed to use it with an adult in the room.

Ask your ex if he is okay with men his age perving on his daughter.

Another marker I would put down with your DD is that as her mother you will make your own decisions and that what her peers are allowed to do is irrelevant as far as you are concerned. This will set you up well if she tells you her friends' phones do not have parental controls, for example. It sounds as though her dad may also need to understand how online grooming happens. Telling a 12-year old is 'hot' is repellant.

Maybe put it in a lockbox overnight from bedtime and she only gets it back when she’s dressed and ready for school. 12 is so young to be doing this sort of stuff.

Yes you should take the phone away. I’m guessing you are paying for it. Yes ok, you didn’t set up parental controls, but she went against everything you told her, which proves she cannot be trusted. I don’t understand why you should take all the blame when she has specifically broken your rules. She is 12 not 8 and should be able to follow rules. Tell her she can have it back when she’s 13 and has learned to listen to instructions.

I work in school, and if is absolutely terrifying how naive kids are. She has put herself in danger and shown everyone which school she is at if she’s public. Dad needs to wake up to the dangers. Don’t let her play you off against him. She’s being rude and disrespectful.

Buy qustodio or similar software. Install it on her phone. Use Google family link to set time limits when she can use her phone. Lock it down at 7pm. Phone charges downstairs overnight. Limit the number of hours she can go on each day. Shut down her social media accounts and use qustodio or similar to block them from the phone. Set limits so she can't download apps that are 13+ without asking permission from you as the parent first. Check her phone every week (or every night if you are worried about what she's on up to). This is a condition of her having the phone and she should be aware. That's all just basic common sense with young teens and phones.

I did set up screen time restrictions but she must have guessed my passcode as somehow she was able to download the apps. Stupidly it was a birthday and easy to guess so I will change that. I'm not very good with technology and she is much better at this sort of stuff than me.

I plan to take the phone at night and in the morning and only let her have it now for school or when she's out. I used to give it to her so she could listen to music while getting ready but now I know she wasn't being honest with me. I feel sick at the thought of who might have been watching her posts. She's only had it for a few months and I did check in the beginning but I've been busy with work etc and didn't keep up with it. Obviously I regret that now and I'll make sure I do from now on.

Yes, take the phone off her for a period of time. Then return it with heavy duty restrictions in place on the phone.

”I’m not very good with technology” is a piss poor excuse for not setting up the correct parental controls. Between you and her father, there has been a complete failure to protect and safeguard your child.

-Delete all the social media apps.
She is 12/13 she is not old enough to have them.

• Please take some accountability.

-Change the passcode for something sensible- of course she would guess your age- what part of choosing a passcode is being good at technology? I think you're minimising your role in this. Please take some responsibility.

I think saying "I'm not very good at technology is negligent" in 2024. Online safety is a staple part of parenting- there is lots of info about it online.
If you call your borough children's social services and ask for signposting to education on online safety/
Online grooming and exploitation this would be a more responsible stance.

Her father thinks it’s all ok so OP has no support from him. Why is e everyone bashing the OP? Why does no one think the child was in the wrong? It’s like saying ‘lock your purse away in case she takes your money. Put controls on the TV in case she watches something inappropriate’ This is what is wrong with kids these days. They are specifically TOLD not to do something yet the only way parents can stop them is by locking everything down. In reality she should have respected what she was told. She should now totally lose the privilege of having a phone.

Take the phone away for a while.

Learn about how to keep your child safe online, learn about restrictions, put proper controls in, make sure she can't download apps without permission etc.

Have calm and reasonable chats with her about why this is. That it's about her safety and because you care. Talk to her about online safety and proper tech use. What to do if anything goes wrong.

Then give her back the phone with the understanding that you can access whenever you want, you will be checking it, and if she has a lock code you need to know it at all times.

"I'm not good with technology" is a pathetic excuse. Just learn, it's not hard.

Your negligence has exposed your daughter to grooming and perverts. All because you were too lazy to learn simple things.

Download ourpact it’s £6 a month and the best parental control you can use it’s very user friendly to if you are not good with tech. You connect the phone to a pc or laptop first and it runs in the background on the device itself ( similar to when scammers gain control of your device remotely)