To take DD's phone away

[TeaAddicted]

My youngest daughter has recently turned 12. This weekend I found out that she has been regularly posting videos on social media. Most of them are 'get ready with me' videos (filmed before school or at the weekend) but there are also others of her dancing, sometimes suggestively, in shorts or summer-style PJs. She is in her school uniform in some of them. The videos have a lot of likes and saves. Some of the comments are telling her how hot she is and asking if she has Snapchat.

I bought her a phone on the understanding that she doesn't have social media accounts until she's older and she was only meant to use it to keep in contact with family and friends. She is signed up on Instagram and TikTok. I only found out about this because she accidentally left her phone at home when she was at her dad's house and notifications were coming through. When she came back, I made her unlock the phone and I checked it and saw what she'd posted. She was angry that I made her show her accounts and said that it was none of my business and all her friends use social media. She has now said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with my partner and I as planned and that she's going to her dad's house instead. She knows this will hurt me as my eldest daughter lives abroad and I said the other day that I like us all together.

I phoned her dad (my ex-husband) and it turns out he knew all about this and doesn't see anything wrong with it. I told him anyone could watch and save these videos. It's for this reason that she thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread, because he lets her do whatever she wants. She conveniently forgets that he walked out on us when she was a toddler for another woman but that's another story. He has an older teenage stepdaughter who DD looks up to and I'm sure she has been encouraging her to post. She was dancing with her in some of the TikToks.

AIBU to take away her phone? She is locked away in her room now and not speaking to me but I'm not comfortable with her going on social media yet.

@Prettydisgustingactually mostly because kids are daft , impulsive , easily led and don't like being left out/ want to be part of the in thing. Of course she should have consequences, however that doesn't mean she doesn't also need parenting and protection, especially if one parent is completely useless.

There are many dangers to having the internet freely at your fingertips, and if something bad happens, consequences AFTER are a cold comfort.

Of course the child was in the wrong to break the rules but stealing money or locking a TV down is completely different.
Stealing money, whilst not good, would not cause any direct harm to the child or the mom, just a short sharp bollocking if they got caught. Most 12 year olds don’t have a TV in their bedrooms and even if they did, they wouldn’t be allowed to watch after hours etc
Giving them unfettered access to something that they can’t even legally access at that age is more similar to telling your child where you keep the booze, telling them they are allowed to have some of it but not too much and expecting them to control any impulses around it.

If you read again you will see I do indeed mention the father.

He isn’t the one posting on here though, so people aren’t going to level their responses to him.

Yes, I think the girl is poorly behaved, dishonest and deceitful. However the situation in which she has been able to be so has been caused entirely by her parents.

this man and many like him are why I monitor and control my children's mobile phone and social media access. If they are not old enough for the app, they don't have it. And even then, 'I want it' is not a good enough reason. They know while I pay their bill and provide their phone, we are allowed access to it. We tend to only do this when there are behavioural concerns.

Your ex is a muppet. But he probably enjoys watching young women prancing around on SM. Perhaps show him the above link and ask him what he thinks now?

Social media is becoming a real problem in our youngsters lives. We cannot fully avoid it so we have to give them the skills to navigate it instead.

Limit times the devices can be used - not overnight. You can limit the amount of time they spend on specific apps and make sure they are all set up with her real date of birth. Make sure you are friends with her so you can monitor what she is posting and talk about things which might be inappropriate.

My youngest do not have TikTok, Snapchat etc because a) they are not old enough and b) I don't think the companies have yet out enough safeguards in against inappropriate use. Has this affected their peer interactions? Yes. Of course it has. But I encourage them to be their own person and not follow others blindly. When one of them is already sharing about the '16yo boyfriend she met on TikTok' and they are 12, I know I am making the right decision for my kids. I have had to be strong with my mum friends though who think I'm unfair. Funnily, my oldest friends completely understand where I am coming from. Even the ones who don't have kids.

You need to really start talking to her about online safety. Not just a one off chat. We talk about this kind of stuff all the time. How to stay safe online, how restrictions are important, how safety is more important than number of followers. How when she’s ready to have social media, she must connect with you as a condition of being allowed.

But you really do need to educate yourself before handing over the internet to your child. It’s not just about screen time restrictions - it’s about adult content, restrictions on your router, setting it up so you have to approve apps being downloaded via your own phone. You’re not the only one to be a bit naive about these things but it’s not too late to start doing something about it. It’s not hard, you just need to do some research.