Would you want to stay in touch with this friend?

[Leavealightonformehey]

Met twenty odd years ago at work, good friendship for a couple of years, they moved away, invited me to stay a year or two later. Went to stay and overheard her say to her dh ‘What do you do if you’re not sure if you like someone anymore?’ (Talking about me) also heard her him call me ‘A bit chunky now’ (I was size 12)
She then came to stay nearby a few years later and I saw her but then had excruciating kidney stones, she was upset we didn’t spend more time together (I was in bed vomiting, she said she could have come and sat with me-I don’t like anyone near me when that ill)
A few years later, she stayed a short plane ride away from me, I said I could fly over, we could meet up etc, she made no effort and sort of ignored it until home and it was too late. I’ve tried to keep some contact over the years, by messaging etc, she rarely initiates, which I understand as we’re far away, but we haven’t spoken/messaged really for years.
Would you remain in contact and see her?

It just simmered out. Jusy admit defeat and let the friendship go

Nope.

You haven’t been friends since the moment you heard her shit talking about you years ago, she said out loud she didn’t like you then called you fat! How could you think you were friends after that?
You were probably not real friends for longer actually but from that moment you knew there was no real friendship. You should have let this drift years ago!

No.

I would would let it go after that first visit?

@ThatUniqueFox Why is it odd?

No, I have lots of other friends, the friendship was special at the time

I am really struggling to understand why you carried this on after the first visit. No, I would not continue the friendship, it’s run its course.

Can relate. If a 'friend' talks smack behind your back, then flakes on you, it's time to let go. Had to do that this week with someone I knew for 24 years because she never put herself out for me or my husband yet expected everything to centre around her. It hurts a bit to begin with, but end if for your own self-respect and wellbeing. I am assuming she's a julia roberts lookalike with a size 6 figure as the one who dissed you? New year, new start.

Sorry, it was the Dh who said the chunky comment (had thought we got on previously) and she fell out with him about it at the time and he apologised to me

She would probably deny the comment she said, but I remember overhearing it in the car and still had to then stay at their house. Maybe i’d done something wrong, I don’t know

You’re not sure whether to remain friends with someone you overheard saying they weren’t sure if they even liked you? Seriously?

Why are you still ruminating about a friendship that had run its course 20 years ago? And why is this coming up now? You say she rarely initiates message and isn’t keen on seeing you when she’s in the vicinity, so surely it’s a moot point anyway?

It should have ended just after you overheard the conversation. But you were younger and perhaps only just find yourself wondering about these things.

We only have so much time, energy and attention to give away. I say use it wisely on reciprocal relationships that don’t give you weird feelings.

@HardlyLikely She wants to meet up and is very keen to

Cut your losses. When people project their negativity they are full of self-hatred. Find people who lift your spirits. Wishing you a nice 2025.

@OriginalUsername2 Yes, I was a lot younger, wasn’t sure 100% at the time if I heard it, but looking back, I did

Well, she can want what she wants, but it doesn't mean she's going to get it.

I wouldn't even respond to any requests to meet up. There's no point. She's not a friend and I'm guessing there's a reason why she wants to meet now, eg a free place to stay.

Think of the past fondly, but leave her in the past.

Yeah, there's been some incredibly odd questions asked on MN over the years, but this one takes the biscuit 😳

If you want to stay friends with her then you should but if you don't then don't

Just to say, it was quite obvious when she didn’t arrange/respond much to my messages to meet up that she was still upset I didn’t see her much when she visited (when I was ill) she told me this really upset her too

Sounds ridiculous, but I think I had low self esteem when younger/was a bit of a people pleaser. I still find it hard to say no or cut people off, but I’m definitely getting better at it in my 40’s now. I just know the fallout of it all and how she’ll be, it’s all very intense

@SmalllChange Why? Please explain to me, I do need to understand this side of myself as I’ve recently cut someone else out that I should have years ago

What's the exact situation? She's visiting your home town and has suggested meeting up? If so, you can either say you're too busy or meet up for a coffee if you'd like to (though it sounds like you wouldn't).

Or you don't need to reply at all. It doesn't sound like she's friends with any of your other friends or family so there's no real downside here.

The friendship clearly isn’t what it once was. There doesn’t have to be drama or even an active falling out - just naturally distance yourself.