Should Christmas be about obligation?

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I've seen so many threads from people travelling to see family for Christmas when they want to stay at home, or hosting people they don't want to host, or having family stay for days longer than the host wants them to stay. I used to believe my wants weren't important at Christmas and I hated it because of that. Long term illness means I can't travel so I now get to do what I want at Christmas and stay home which I absolutely love after decades of travelling (long haul every second year). Of course for some people travelling to see family is what they want to do, others love hosting a houseful. Everyone has a different idea of the ideal Christmas.

AIBU - Christmas is about obligation
YANBU - People should do what they want with their Christmas

Human existence is about obligation.

Whist I get that sometimes it feels a chore, It would be a very crappy world if nobody ever put themselves out for their loved ones to bring them a little joy.

People should be able to do what they want, but then you also need to think about others. Unfortunately, everyone doing what they want just means everyone becomes selfish. Sometimes you have to be selfless and think of other people too.

But i get what you're saying completely.

I used to feel obligated, until I realised no one else feels obligated when it comes to me and I was the only one putting myself out. I'd not see anyone conpletely alone at Christmas but this year I've canned the obligation and we're doing what we want to do. It's been controversial, as people have come to expect us to do all the hardworking but they'll get over it! It is honestly liberating!

I love seeing family at Christmas and would not enjoy just being with DH and Dc
But I don't see it as an obligation

People should do what they want,although maybe not leave someone alone

I can't vote, since there isn't an option for "compromise, and meet everyone's needs including your own to a reasonable extent."

It's about both. Traveling every year is unreasonable: never bring the one to travel is also unreasonable.

The problem is that it's often the same folk putting themselves out. While it's good to be kind, that includes sometimes putting yourself first.

Good point.

Christmas has always been about some travel or hosting and squeezing people in and all of that to me. But both my parents and PIL have always been happy for us to alternate Christmas with one side and then have a second or pre-Xmas meal a few days later or before.

This year on MN is the first time I've come across this notion that having small children means you're more important than other family and that being at home is more important when you have small children. Not something I've ever felt myself. Stockings are stockings where ever they are hung up. I don't get it.

The whole of life is a set of mostly reasonable compromises.

I don’t want to go to work, I do because I they give me money in return for my work.

I’d rather stay in bed until at least 8:30 on a Christmas morning. I have a four year old, so that isn’t going to happen (nor should it, because Christmas is a much bigger thing for her than me).

I’d rather have an Indian takeaway than a turkey roast dinner.

If everyone went through life doing exactly what they wanted based on their own desires, it’d be a sorry state of affairs.

It's not about doing exactly what you want or about obligation to always do what other people want, it's about compromise between the two (assuming you have preferences and would also quite like to keep your extended family happy).

Fortunately for me, I love being with extended family for Christmas, even though it involves a long drive. We did Christmas at home just the four of us one year and it was really boring and an anticlimax tbh.

It's not solely about obligation. But if one of your lived ones would be lonely, then yes, I do think there's a bit of a moral obligation toward them. Obviously not totally sacrificing your own wants.

I do feel some obligations, but am not prepared to be a slave to them. Compromise gets everyone having a good time. Perhaps not perfect, but it works.

I honestly think we're seeing a bit of shift in society. Women have been expected to 'be the magic of christmas' for many generations. Those over, maybe, 60 or so did it all because they weren't the main breadwinners, perhaps SAHMs so put up with all the obligation. I'm late 40s and put my foot firmly down a few years ago. I work ft, pay half of everything so will not don a martyr pinny for Dec and shift into perfect hostess whilst dh ignores everything until its time to carve the turkey.

We stay at home now, kids in pjs and see In Laws through the xmas period for relaxed catch up when it suits.

No xmas cards, no driving about in bad weather with whining dc.

All these threads at the moment with in laws demanding this and that or SILs bringing demonic cats to attack children (what happened to that by the way?) all having me thinking 'just say no people'.

I think if you want to have relationships with people that comes with obligations towards them - and vice versa of course.

Sometimes, feeling obliged to do something, means that you’re giving someone else pleasure. We can’t all do what we want, when we want, because that would be anarchy. Life is compromise and putting yourself out for someone might mean that they’ll do the same for you.

It’s not about martyrdom, but it’s generosity of spirit sometimes. It also doesn’t mean you should be a doormat.

Not everyone does stockings. A main present can be a Barbie house/trampoline with smaller presents linking in. Children get one childhood, we are adults much longer than we are adults. You are coming from it from a point of obligation. Small children doesn't mean that you are more important, like any day of the year, your children's/family needs can come first. Christmas is a season to some people, not one day. Family can have any other day.

A few of the responses here are about obligation being a part of life, I understand that. But my question is only about Christmas, I'm not saying life should have no obligation because that wouldn't work. I am just asking about Christmas day.

I believe that Christmas is a time to think of others. I'm not a people pleaser at all in general, but at Christmas I will consider the wishes of elderly relatives even if that means not doing what I would personally prefer.

I think give and take is important but one thing that is mentioned so often is how parents and in laws of a poster keep making emotionally laden pleas to spend Christmas with their adult dcs, regardless of whatever the adult dcs have got going on in their own lives. Expectation seems to be the issue, along with doses of fear, obligation and guilt and older parents making demands. It's unfair when they won't step back and leave their adult dc to have some space to actually decide and do what they choose.

Christmas day is part of life, that's why I can't vote as you've manipulated it too much.

Many of the examples you read on MN are fairly extreme and for the main part, it's nearly always the women doing the hosting and picking up all the work.

My real life experience and that of my close family and friends, is thankfully different.

Therefore I'd say it's more about compromise, fairness and a little thought for others, even if that does mean putting ourselves out a little.

Yes, people choose what is more important to them and that is different for different people. But to me the idea of a Christmas present being too big to travel with and that having any influence on where people are gathering for Christmas is utterly bizarre.

If we bought something that big they'd just get it a couple of days later, they'd have plenty of other presents on the day itself.

I haven't manipulated it, there are only two voting options (if it's possible to add a third I don't know about it).

I don’t know which one to vote for because one is true, the other is what I wish to be true!

I don't feel obliged to anyone but me and my partner. Luckily we are on the same page, advent is for hunkering down, great food and drink and some great movies.