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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut off my disabled dad?

40 replies

finalstrawb · 08/12/2024 01:51

My mum died a year ago when my first baby was 4 weeks old. It was horrific and I spent the last year of her life caring for her.
My mum and dad had an abusive relationship but stayed together out of habit, but she died filled with regret for staying with him.
Since she died, I've been on my knees. I have very little support both practically and emotionally (dp is wonderful but works v long hours). I've had a year of no sleep (babe is a poor sleeper) and have been burning the candle at both ends trying to keep all my plates spinning.
During this time my dad has never so much as asked how I'm coping.
He's physically disabled sp I've gritted my teeth so far but tonight he's pushed me too far and I've told him I'm done. I can't stand him as a person and being around him makes me unhappy and I go home feeling upset and empty. AIBU to essentially end my relationship with him?

OP posts:
Ph3 · 08/12/2024 01:54

You need to think of yourself OP. Was he abusive towards you as well?

Original poster
finalstrawb · 08/12/2024 01:57

Ph3 · 08/12/2024 01:54

You need to think of yourself OP. Was he abusive towards you as well?

Not really, the worst was seeing what he did to her. He has since experienced a brain injury and isn't physically violent and has kind of rewritten history in his brain and seems to completely disbelieve that any of the things I remember actually happened. The physical abuse my mum.endured was horrific and life endangering. I've needed therapy to cope with memories and trauma

OP posts:
Ph3 · 08/12/2024 02:28

I am so terribly sorry this happened to you. Speaking for myself I don’t think I could put myself through what you are putting yourself through - where he inflicted you so much trauma and he refuses to acknowledge this specially as a new mum (which is hard on its own anyways). Please call the council (or who deals with social care) and let them know that you need to step away.

Original poster
finalstrawb · 08/12/2024 02:33

Ph3 · 08/12/2024 02:28

I am so terribly sorry this happened to you. Speaking for myself I don’t think I could put myself through what you are putting yourself through - where he inflicted you so much trauma and he refuses to acknowledge this specially as a new mum (which is hard on its own anyways). Please call the council (or who deals with social care) and let them know that you need to step away.

Thank you. I have very intense guilt because he cuts quite a pathetic character and I feel like his friends already think I'm a very cold and unfeeling daughter (typical narcissist, he never shows the bad side to those outside the house).
Tonight I messaged him saying that I was likely going to be sat up in a chair with baby on me (still the case) and that I might not feel able to drive with baby if I have no sleep so I will pay for a grocery delivery for him. His response was that he had fancy artisan bread in the freezer (he'd asked me to drop bread in, fuck knows why) and asked me what kind of booze he should buy for a friend at Christmas. Fairly innocuous but I just snapped. If someone tells you they're likely not going to sleep all night because their baby is screaming, surely it's normal to express some basic sympathy? I would never ever be around someone like him if he wasn't related to me, but I feel so guilty abandoning him.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 08/12/2024 10:56

I don't think you're under any obligation to have a relationship with the man who physically abused your mother. So what if his friends think you're a terrible daughter? You know the truth and that's all that matters.

Stop expecting or hoping for him to show concern or care for you - he's not going to and you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

If you can't cut contact completely, try paring right back to just giving practical help and keep your contact with him short and brisk. You don't have to pretend loving feelings that aren't there. He is lucky you are doing anything at all for him.

Original poster
finalstrawb · 09/12/2024 02:53

Noseybookworm · 08/12/2024 10:56

I don't think you're under any obligation to have a relationship with the man who physically abused your mother. So what if his friends think you're a terrible daughter? You know the truth and that's all that matters.

Stop expecting or hoping for him to show concern or care for you - he's not going to and you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

If you can't cut contact completely, try paring right back to just giving practical help and keep your contact with him short and brisk. You don't have to pretend loving feelings that aren't there. He is lucky you are doing anything at all for him.

I suppose because it's historical abuse and he now has a significant disability, it's easier to just feign a short memory.

I did do what you suggested- I stepped right back but I still found myself starting and yearning for this man, my only biological living relative (except my child) to give me a few kind words here and there. Not getting that is so painful and he's so unlikeable that I just find it hard to be around him but this option comes with a fair share of guilt.
Since I cut contact he has been calling me names and threatening suicide. I just hate this.

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 09/12/2024 08:38

When children witness domestic abuse it is counted as child abuse...as I found out from social services

Janpoppy · 09/12/2024 08:49

Abusing your children's other parent is a parenting choice It is child abuse because children are directly harmed when one of their parents is being continously hurt by their other parent.

JacquesHarlow · 09/12/2024 09:36

Typical Mumsnet, you will get a slew of people saying “cut him off” because it’s the easy solution, if you’re seeking that echo chamber @finalstrawb then you’re in the right place.

Ph3 · 09/12/2024 12:34

finalstrawb · 09/12/2024 02:53

I suppose because it's historical abuse and he now has a significant disability, it's easier to just feign a short memory.

I did do what you suggested- I stepped right back but I still found myself starting and yearning for this man, my only biological living relative (except my child) to give me a few kind words here and there. Not getting that is so painful and he's so unlikeable that I just find it hard to be around him but this option comes with a fair share of guilt.
Since I cut contact he has been calling me names and threatening suicide. I just hate this.

Show quote history

Unfortunately I don’t think you will ever get that. The yearning is normal of course it is. But I think it’s just not in their wheelhouse. I hope that with time you can accept this and understand emotionally that this is not on you at all

Original poster
finalstrawb · 09/12/2024 19:22

JacquesHarlow · 09/12/2024 09:36

Typical Mumsnet, you will get a slew of people saying “cut him off” because it’s the easy solution, if you’re seeking that echo chamber @finalstrawb then you’re in the right place.

I'm really not. I'm torn up with guilt because I feel a sense of duty and I'm trying to figure out if there's a sustainable middle ground. I know going NC feels like a good idea in the middle of an argument but long term, the idea of him being alone and neglected really hurts me - even though I think he is a horrible and abusive person.
If you have any experience or balanced opinions to provide, I'm.all ears

OP posts:
Original poster
finalstrawb · 09/12/2024 19:23

Janpoppy · 09/12/2024 08:49

Abusing your children's other parent is a parenting choice It is child abuse because children are directly harmed when one of their parents is being continously hurt by their other parent.

This is something I never really considered but it makes sense. I used to hide the kitchen knives under my bed to stop him from trying to stab her and I never realised until I was older how unusual that was.

OP posts:
Janpoppy · 09/12/2024 19:27

The possibility of your mum being stabbed and killed... that would be absolutely terrifying for a child. And yet you were resourceful and trying to protect your mum. That is way too much fear and responsibility that your dad placed on you as a child.

Original poster
finalstrawb · 09/12/2024 19:33

Janpoppy · 09/12/2024 19:27

The possibility of your mum being stabbed and killed... that would be absolutely terrifying for a child. And yet you were resourceful and trying to protect your mum. That is way too much fear and responsibility that your dad placed on you as a child.

If I reminded him that any of this happened, the denial runs so deeply he would deny it or try to blame my mum in some way. It weirdly would hurt him and I don't want to throw his lowest moment in his face as my mum and he chose to stay (unhappily) married for another 25+ years until her death.
He is absolutely not that person any more to be totally fair - but I do think this is because of his disability.

OP posts:
DaniMontyRae · 09/12/2024 19:40

JacquesHarlow · 09/12/2024 09:36

Typical Mumsnet, you will get a slew of people saying “cut him off” because it’s the easy solution, if you’re seeking that echo chamber @finalstrawb then you’re in the right place.

You think advice to get away from an abusive man is wrong?

ExtraOnions · 09/12/2024 19:43

He has an acquired brain injury, so his current behaviour might well be very different to the norm. Not asking how you are, or not being sensitive when asking you to do something, may well be related to that, so not intentional. That’s not to minimise its effect on you, living with someone with a brain injury is hard.

He may well not be able to remember the past, so I doubt there is any resolution to be found there. You are angry at the person he was, not the person he is now.

My me had a massive stroke, she’s in a care home .. and she’s dreadful to be around. She’s rude, abusive, bad tempered, says the most awful things - but, I still go, she’s had a severe brain injury. TBH she wasn’t very nice before, the stroke just magnified it all, and took away any filter.

You don’t have to see anyone you don’t want to .. but I feel more guilty not going to see her.. so I go see her.

Original poster
finalstrawb · 09/12/2024 20:05

ExtraOnions · 09/12/2024 19:43

He has an acquired brain injury, so his current behaviour might well be very different to the norm. Not asking how you are, or not being sensitive when asking you to do something, may well be related to that, so not intentional. That’s not to minimise its effect on you, living with someone with a brain injury is hard.

He may well not be able to remember the past, so I doubt there is any resolution to be found there. You are angry at the person he was, not the person he is now.

My me had a massive stroke, she’s in a care home .. and she’s dreadful to be around. She’s rude, abusive, bad tempered, says the most awful things - but, I still go, she’s had a severe brain injury. TBH she wasn’t very nice before, the stroke just magnified it all, and took away any filter.

You don’t have to see anyone you don’t want to .. but I feel more guilty not going to see her.. so I go see her.

This sums up my dad - same, he had a stroke and his filter has completely gone and it's made him a less angry but more intense version of himself. Whereas before he knew it was rude to talk constantly about himself (he still would but he'd make the odd attempt, for appearances, to not seem a total twat) now he doesn't seem to recognise or care about the conventions of conversation and interaction when he's with me. He's much better with others, notably, but shocking with me. He does remember the abuse (no intellectual impairment) but minimises his culpability in it.
And yep, the same- the guilt is at least on par with the displeasure of seeing him. It's shit isn't it.

OP posts:
NImumconfused · 09/12/2024 20:16

finalstrawb · 09/12/2024 20:05

This sums up my dad - same, he had a stroke and his filter has completely gone and it's made him a less angry but more intense version of himself. Whereas before he knew it was rude to talk constantly about himself (he still would but he'd make the odd attempt, for appearances, to not seem a total twat) now he doesn't seem to recognise or care about the conventions of conversation and interaction when he's with me. He's much better with others, notably, but shocking with me. He does remember the abuse (no intellectual impairment) but minimises his culpability in it.
And yep, the same- the guilt is at least on par with the displeasure of seeing him. It's shit isn't it.

Edited
Show quote history

If he can make the effort with other people, then it's a choice not to make it for you. He's still giving you more abuse and less consideration than outsiders, because he thinks he can.

Abusers always try to make it the victim's fault, he's no different there. Just because your mum stayed doesn't mean you have to, you owe him absolutely nothing. I'd hand him over to social services to deal with and leave him to it - he doesn't deserve anything else from you.

Hoppinggreen · 09/12/2024 20:17

JacquesHarlow · 09/12/2024 09:36

Typical Mumsnet, you will get a slew of people saying “cut him off” because it’s the easy solution, if you’re seeking that echo chamber @finalstrawb then you’re in the right place.

If you think going NC with a parent is easy you have never done it.
Its hearbreaking, difficult, guilt ridden, lots of people won't understand and you will always wonder if its the right thing BUT in some cases its the only option you can take to protect yourself.
So its a lot of things but easy isn't one of them

SuperfluousHen · 09/12/2024 20:18

Have you been acting as his carer as well as his daughter?

NImumconfused · 09/12/2024 20:19

JacquesHarlow · 09/12/2024 09:36

Typical Mumsnet, you will get a slew of people saying “cut him off” because it’s the easy solution, if you’re seeking that echo chamber @finalstrawb then you’re in the right place.

Why the hell would you want to continue to have contact with a man who regularly tried to stab your mother???

Hello113 · 09/12/2024 20:19

I'm sorry for everything you have been through. So sorry for the loss of your mum and I can't imagine how much that would've hurt when you'd just had your baby too. If I was you I'd try and take out the fact that he is disabled and just look at how he has treated you. Just because he has poor physical health doesn't mean you have to maintain a relationship with him.

Jc2001 · 09/12/2024 20:21

JacquesHarlow · 09/12/2024 09:36

Typical Mumsnet, you will get a slew of people saying “cut him off” because it’s the easy solution, if you’re seeking that echo chamber @finalstrawb then you’re in the right place.

So what's your advice then?

Maybe the reason that people are giving the same advice is because it's the right thing to do given the circumstances.

And none of it's easy.

Original poster
finalstrawb · 09/12/2024 20:29

SuperfluousHen · 09/12/2024 20:18

Have you been acting as his carer as well as his daughter?

Honestly, no I haven't. Prior to baby coming along I was caring for my mum and I would do personal care for her and household tasks for them both, but as I have quite a challenging little one, I really had to step back when she was born as I have nobody to care for her and was therefore unable to offer much support. The most I did was a bit of shopping, making the odd bed when my dp was visiting with me and could hold my daughter so I had my hands free. Before my daughter though I was very hands on. My mum begged me before she died to never become his carer. She was his carer for years and was utterly worn down by it.

Pp who said remove his disability - honestly, if he wasn't disabled I'd feel a lot.less guilt (probably because I wouldn't have felt safe around him, tbh). But he has very few people around him and I do feel.responsible. the idea of him.alone at Christmas, for example, kills.me.

I've just messaged him offering him a civil relationship and that I would.support him continuing to see.my child and he told.me in no uncertain terms to fuck off and he cant forgive me for what ive said to.him... so there's that. This from the man who likened me to a sec worker when he found out I'd lost my virginity 🫠

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 09/12/2024 20:37

I think there are two parts to this.

  1. should you feel obliged to stay in touch/care for your elderly father who has bren abusive your your mum. Absolutely not, though I can understand why you might want to stay given good difficult ties of family can be. Either is fine, its a personal decision.

  2. is he being unreasonable in not asking how you are coping with your baby? Honestly, I don't think so. I don't think many people asked me how I was coping if I'm honest. It's kind of just assumed that onwards we trudge I guess!