To cut off my disabled dad?

[finalstrawb]

My mum died a year ago when my first baby was 4 weeks old. It was horrific and I spent the last year of her life caring for her.
My mum and dad had an abusive relationship but stayed together out of habit, but she died filled with regret for staying with him.
Since she died, I've been on my knees. I have very little support both practically and emotionally (dp is wonderful but works v long hours). I've had a year of no sleep (babe is a poor sleeper) and have been burning the candle at both ends trying to keep all my plates spinning.
During this time my dad has never so much as asked how I'm coping.
He's physically disabled sp I've gritted my teeth so far but tonight he's pushed me too far and I've told him I'm done. I can't stand him as a person and being around him makes me unhappy and I go home feeling upset and empty. AIBU to essentially end my relationship with him?

You could honestly be talking about my own ‘dad’, aside from the fact that yours was way more physically violent. I went NC with my dad when my mum divorced him, 20 years ago and have NEVER regretted it once (my sister did too, 7 years later). He showed me time and time again that he would never put anyone but himself first. Narcissists can not admit that they are any less than perfect and eventually you have to accept you either keep taking the abuse or cut them off.

The disability is of course playing on your mind, but think of it like I did when I cut mine off, do you want your child exposed to these experiences? I didn’t. Because I knew I didn’t want them to feel the disappointment I did and to feel unloved. You don’t have to care for him just because he’s your ‘dad’. That title is earned and not expected. And as far as I can tell, he’s done nothing but tear it to shreds. Even his lack of acknowledgment of what he’s done, regardless of if he remembers it or not. A decent person would say I’m sorry for what I did. I want to make amends. It’s the narc in him, he won’t ever take responsibility or apologise in any form. So make your decision based on that and what’s best for you and your own family.

Apparently my own dad is now bed ridden and visited multiple times a day by carers. He literally made his bed and now he’s lying in it, and I don’t feel anything but peace with my decision.

I hope you come to peace with whatever decision you make OP 🫂

You should not feel responsible - he has very few people around him because he's a very unpleasant person. If he has now told you to fuck off because you didn't kowtow the way he expected, then take him at his word and leave him to it. You said your mum regretted staying with him, you will too.

But if he doesn't have many people around him or spends christmas alone, that is because of his actions - him being horrifically abusive in the past, and him choosing to behave differently to you than others (which as someone else has said makes it a choice rather than something he cannot control because of his diasbility).

I think work out what (if any) contact you'd like and try very hard to stick to that. You can state what you want or can do (like the cordial relationship or to do him an online shop), it's his choice whether to accept that or not (which at the moment he's choosing not to). It's really tough, I had an elderly pseudo relative who was incredibly lonely but also incredibly unpleasant. He couldn't make the connection that being nasty meant people didn't want to see him which meant he got lonelier. But in the end I (and others) had to step away.

If he does have care needs / can't manage his own shopping you could contact adult social services and pass the burden over.

Sadly you can't change him, you said that you wanted a few kind words here and there (which I completely get, my own family is a bit shit), but you might never get that. And even if you do, it might only be 1% of the time and that remaining 99% is making you feel awful.

I wish you luck whatever you decide.

You need ti do what's best for you, and don't feel bad

It's the consequences of his actions

Having cut off an abusive parent after decades of abuse and torment I can assure you it is anything but the easy option.

I have very intense guilt because he cuts quite a pathetic character and I feel like his friends already think I'm a very cold and unfeeling daughter (typical narcissist, he never shows the bad side to those outside the house).

I had a lot of advice about how to deal with the feelings you get when trying to protect yourself but you know that in doing so you will hurt someone else was, ‘better guilt than resentment.’

I genuinely couldn’t take any more, I was seriously Ill from it all and I was still so consumed with how they would feel that I wasn’t prioritising my own life, my own health, my own feelings and the extra headspace I was affording this person who didn’t deserve it was taking away from what I did have for my husband and children. They deserved the best of me, and the peace i feel for having finally made the break has been so worth it.

Their friends and family (what there is of them) already thought me awful because she was never happy, always slagging me off and portraying herself as a victim. The opinions of people who have no bearing on your life really don’t need to factor into this. It’s not nice to think there are people out there thinking bad about you for things you haven’t done, but in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter.

We only get one life. Don’t waste a second of it on anyone that doesn’t value, love and support you. Better guilt, than resentment.

He deserves to be alone. It's easier for me to say that because he’s not my dad. It's also true though.

If it helps, ring or email social services and tell them he needs to be assessed for help, and you've done it in the past but now you have a baby and can't. Then you've done your duty. He'll probably turn down any help from them - his sort generally do - but that's on him.

Do not let him see your child. They deserve better than an abusive grandfather.

You absolutely do not have to continue any kind of relationship with your father. He was abusive to you by his abuse of your mother. It doesn't matter that he can't remember that, it happened.
Call your local adult social care and say he is vulnerable and has care needs that you are now unable to provide for, request that they do an assessment of his needs under the Care Act. Tell them that you are withdrawing your involved with him due to the abuse that took place. Let them put a package of care in place and don't let them guilt trip you into being involved.
You have a new life now with your baby and partner, focus on that.
I wish you all the best.

Run to the hills

I haven’t had any contact with my dad for over a year now and I feel liberated. The NC was the culmination of a long and horrible relationship with him that only went downhill when my mum died.
As other people have said, he has made his bed and now he needs to lie in it.
I had some counselling before finally going NC.

OP, you owe this man nothing. I’m the child of a narcissist too and I recognise so many of the traits you mention. He will never change and you will never have a genuinely civil relationship with him - they simply aren’t capable. You sound like a lovely person but you need to prioritise your own family now.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you, too. It's a double loss, something in me hoped that he would magically care about me when mum died, but no.

Abusive violent men are not owed a woman to care for them, it is not your job to run around for him. The consequences of his actions leaving him lonely, is likely the only justice he will ever face for his appalling violence.

Sounds to me like your dad's brain injury has affected his empsthy, ie feelings towards others esp. you, so he probaby can;t necessarily help the way he acrts now. Even so if he's been so abusive throughout your childhood and incnsiderate towards you after your Mum's death when you had a newborn I don't think it unreasonable to want to cut him out of your life.

What I'd do if I was in your situation would be to contact the Social Services department of your council to explain the situation and tell them that as your Dad's carer you are now withdrawing all the care you've been providng and it's now up to them to sort your Dad out. He obviously needs someone to act as his carer so the last thing you could do for your Dad is to ask the Social Services for Needs Asssesment for your Dad as the first step in gettin the care and support he obviously needs. But make it absolutely crystal-clear to Social Services that you are NOT in a position to provide ANY care for yopur Dad.

He's then on his own. You can't be expected to put up with a parent like this when you have a yoing baby to care for, as baby must come first IMHO.

A couple of things - firstly he will not change. There will be no moment when he sees the error of his ways and prioritises you. It's terribly sad - parents are supposed to care for their children.

Secondly, you don't have to be nice to people who are horrible to you.

Thank you all for your advice. Re social services - my dad actually doesn't need SS input. Has full capacity, drives, is IT literate, cooks and does light cleaning. Has a weekly cleaner and asks friends for help with heavy lifting. So practically he's self sufficient in 90% of areas, tye only thing he needs support with is getting into non accessible venues with poor parking I.e hospitals as he can walk very short distances but otherwise needs a wheelchair and can't self propel or assemble wheelchair. But I've not been supporting with thus since baby anyway as I don't have childcare and can't push him and pram