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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends partner cheated, I can't get my head round it

63 replies

starmaker1 · 07/12/2024 21:36

My friend is 30 with 3 kids under 4, one being only 6m.
Her partner cheated with a woman from
His gym, the ow got pregnant and kept the baby, friends partner has nothing to do with the woman or baby. The ow's baby and my friends are almost exactly the same age.
My friend and her partner have moved house, he has changed his number and car in a bid i suppose to stop ow finding them.
I'm so confused as to why she is staying with him. I could possibly forgive a one night stand, not an affair and definitely not an affair that ended in a baby being born. I don't know how she really feels as she doesn't really speak about it. She's know 4/5 months. Has anyone else ever stayed in the same or similar situation and it actually worked? U couldn't let him touch me and would have zero respect that he doesn't acknowledge his other child

OP posts:
Workingthroughit · 07/12/2024 22:47

starmaker1 · 07/12/2024 22:43

@Workingthroughit would you ask if she's ok or just not say anything if she doesn't.
I think about her all the time and how she might be so unhappy but is "getting on with it" I can't get my head around any of it

I would give my opinion that I support her 100% but do not support the relationship, that you are there for her if she needs you and leave her to it.

If she decides that she wants to stay with a man who is happy to sleep around, disrespect her and her children, sow his seed round the town and spawn more offspring, that is on her. Just be there to help pick up the pieces.

Original poster
starmaker1 · 07/12/2024 22:53

From what she has told me, ow hasn't tried to make contact and is happy to have the baby as a single mum. She has the right idea keeping him away imo

OP posts:
Original poster
starmaker1 · 07/12/2024 22:55

The two women have spoke and it was actually very amicable, I was there, considering the circumstances it was a very calm and respectful conversation. I was very proud of my friend for acting with such grace and dignity

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 07/12/2024 23:08

Feelingstrange2 · 07/12/2024 21:38

The thing that would disappoint me the most is abandoning his child.

Agreed.
Sorry but it says a lot about your friend OP

Original poster
starmaker1 · 07/12/2024 23:10

@Imbusytodaysorry in what way?

OP posts:
SmalllChange · 07/12/2024 23:16

starmaker1 · 07/12/2024 22:53

From what she has told me, ow hasn't tried to make contact and is happy to have the baby as a single mum. She has the right idea keeping him away imo

My friend and her partner have moved house, he has changed his number and car in a bid i suppose to stop ow finding them.

So why has he gone to those ^^ lengths then, especially if he's paying CM?

Original poster
starmaker1 · 07/12/2024 23:22

@SmalllChange I think it was my friend that wanted to do all that. They had sex in their house so I'd move too

OP posts:
SmalllChange · 07/12/2024 23:28

starmaker1 · 07/12/2024 23:22

@SmalllChange I think it was my friend that wanted to do all that. They had sex in their house so I'd move too

"To stop OW finding them"

That's ^^ the bit that doesn't make sense if she's happy to be a single mum and he's paying CM?

GranPepper · 07/12/2024 23:39

starmaker1 · 07/12/2024 22:55

The two women have spoke and it was actually very amicable, I was there, considering the circumstances it was a very calm and respectful conversation. I was very proud of my friend for acting with such grace and dignity

In all politeness, you seem a little over-invested in a friend's life. Why were you there when the two women actually involved had a conversation as you've already said your friend doesn't want to talk to you about it? I don't drop friends lightly but I'd consider dropping you on the basis you are involving yourself in things that are nothing to do with you and posting about it online. If you have the means to do so, maybe consider a short holiday and recalibrate your brain to umderstand your life is yours and someone else's (your friend's) isn't.

DuckPuddledJemima · 07/12/2024 23:41

Why do you NEED to get your head around it? It's none of your business. If she wanted your help or your opinion she'd ask for it. It's not your place to understand or judge.

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2024 23:41

SmileEachDay · 07/12/2024 22:35

I’d be furious if my ‘friend’ posted my intimate, personal details on social media, asking the world to judge me.

You understand how anonymous forums work?

Original poster
starmaker1 · 07/12/2024 23:52

She asked me to be there when she called her and she put the phone on loudspeaker. At the time she was calling me a lot to vent and we would meet up to chat and try and get things straight so I'm now worried because she has stopped speaking about it, when it's all she spoke about for weeks. I want to get my head round it because I care about my friend. I wanted different opinions because I know I'm quite straight down the line. I don't take sh*t and if I can't trust that's it over. I'm not gossiping just after opinion

OP posts:
dixon86 · 07/12/2024 23:57

Why don't you ask your friend?

How could a bunch of strangers possibly know the answer?

SmalllChange · 07/12/2024 23:58

starmaker1 · 07/12/2024 23:52

She asked me to be there when she called her and she put the phone on loudspeaker. At the time she was calling me a lot to vent and we would meet up to chat and try and get things straight so I'm now worried because she has stopped speaking about it, when it's all she spoke about for weeks. I want to get my head round it because I care about my friend. I wanted different opinions because I know I'm quite straight down the line. I don't take sh*t and if I can't trust that's it over. I'm not gossiping just after opinion

Maybe she's stopped speaking to you because

A) You can't get your head around it and that annoys her, because you don't need to.

B) It's not as amicable as she's making out because if it was, they wouldn't have moved and he wouldn't have changed his phone number and car, to avoid her finding him.

Fair enough moving if he had sex with the OW in your friend's house, but again the rest doesn't make any sense if it's all amicable and he's paying CM.

Deadbeatex · 08/12/2024 00:01

I would arrange a childfree time when you can chat without interruptions of baby crying/toddler needs a drink, snack etc and then just ask how things are going. If she brushes over it then tell her that you'll always listen without judgement and will support whatever choice she makes now and/or in the future and then move the conversation on to strictly, I'm a celebrity or whatever.

If she does take the opportunity to talk then I personally wouldn't go on about you would've made a different choice. Yes you can say you don't agree with her choice/understand her choice but regardless you respect its her choice to make and you are a safe space to talk without judgement

Personally I'm not sure I could get passed the affair and ignoring his child but who knows how any of us would react unless we are in that situation and set of circumstances, ie financial etc

Original poster
starmaker1 · 08/12/2024 00:03

I've done nothing but support her. I've not told her she should leave I have listened and been there for her, I wasn't judging her, I think hes scum, I wouldn't go on about that to her though as she has decided to stay with him, I just feel that she is putting on a front but maybe she isn't and she can move past it

OP posts:
GranPepper · 08/12/2024 00:06

She's stopped speaking about it because she doesn't want to speak to you about it. She may be concentrating on her marriage and children and doesn't want to engage your thoughts on the situation (noted in original post, not positive) but it doesn't matter what the reason is. She doesn't want to talk about it. If you're a proper friend, you'll respect her wishes.

Original poster
starmaker1 · 08/12/2024 00:16

Thank you for all your opinions. She knows I'm always there for her. I do worry about her as she is my closest friend but I will let her come to me and time will tell. She is strong and possibly can find a way to forgive him and they can move on. Her decision and her life.

OP posts:
DOCTORCEE · 08/12/2024 00:23

This sounds like a terrible situation for all involved. I suspect your friend is feeling somewhat trapped as its hard to up and leave with small children, one if which is pretty much a newborn.
In my experience, things do eventually fall apart despite attempts to ‘forgive/forget and move on’. Doing this is going to be made even more difficult given his financial ties to the other woman due to the innocent baby caught up in all of this. What a vile man.

Tink3rbell30 · 08/12/2024 00:24

She's a mug. Contraception is so important also.. poor baby.

CantBelieveNaive · 08/12/2024 00:40

SmileEachDay · 07/12/2024 22:35

I’d be furious if my ‘friend’ posted my intimate, personal details on social media, asking the world to judge me.

It's an anonymous site for exactly these dilemmas. Grow up and stop virtue signalling🙃

Ella31 · 08/12/2024 00:43

Op, I genuinely get that you are concerned for your friend. But many new mom's come onto mumsnet, myself included and I'm in Ireland not even the UK. But your detail of her is very descriptive and she could see this, I have to be honest. I remember a fellow mum recommending AIBU to me to pass the time.

You mentioned her age,,number of kids the gym hookup, the age of the youngest baby, the fact that she moved away, blocked number ect.....I'd genuinely ask for this to be taken down. And I'm honestly saying this out of concern your mum friend could see it.

Mmhmmn · 08/12/2024 00:51

If she stopped talking about it she might have perceived rightly or wrongly that you are judging her/them or enjoying hearing about the mess/scandal of it or both. If she trusts you she will probably speak about it again and if not, probably won’t.

NarcoosseeLover · 08/12/2024 00:58

I’ve often wondered to myself, if my husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant, could I stay with him?

I probably couldn’t.

But if I did, could I watch him go off a couple of times a week and play happy families with the ow and their baby? No. Absolutely not.

Could I invite that child into my home and take care of it with him? No. I couldn’t.

Would it be easier if he wanted to concentrate on one family and pretend the other didn’t exist? As cruel as that is, of course is the answer.

Your friend had made a choice to stay with her husband. She probably isn’t going to give the ow’s baby much consideration, why would she? She will be devastated at what has happened truth be told and will probably be grateful that he’s not running off to play daddy to another woman’s baby.

I realise that isn’t a palatable thought for many people, but I couldn’t blame a woman for feeling this way. I expect she feels very hard done by. The ow didn’t care about her or her children, why wouldn’t she return that favour now?

Your friend isn’t talking about it because she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want your opinion. She doesn’t want your judgement. She doesn’t want the reminders, so you just have to mind your own business and not make it your concern.

Lavenderfarmcottage · 08/12/2024 01:00

Not all of us are super hero single Mums that fly off into the sunset with a cape, while breastfeeding and holding down a career. We don’t all come with a support network or finances that drop down from the sky. Nor do we all have an abundance of energy. It’s okay for women to be mortal and vulnerable which she is with a 6 month old.

Life isn’t a Hollywood movie where we find a neighbour to babysit our 3 kids while we take on the world like Erin Brokovich & leave our deadbeat husbands to emerge as winners.

Look around you at the state of society and how conducive it is to single Mums or just Mums in general. It’s not exactly designed for people to get ahead and their children to thrive.

Your friend is guaranteed a hard life if she leaves depending on her circumstances,

It is not crazy to stay with your husband especially in these times, it’s sensible.