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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? R.E Birthday Presents

33 replies

MyThreeLittleLoves · 07/12/2024 20:56

Good Evening

I am going to try my best to keep this as short as possible.

My son is 3 at the end of the month, he has always preferred toys that are aimed more towards girls.

Just to name a few things, Sylvanian Families, Moana, Dolls House, Jelly Cat soft toys etc.

He doesn’t like the usual, Spider-Man, Cars etc.

My husband and I took a trip to smyths today to choose his birthday presents, so obviously I’ve chosen the things that I know he likes, I tried my best to not pick up anything “too girly” even though I have no issue with my son playing with girls toys, and I’d never stop him.

So, when I was putting the toys in the trolley my husband said “who are they for? who are we shopping for?” I simply said to him, I am buying our son, I know he would like and wants, only for him to reply “he’s not having those toys, he is not a girl he is getting older now, it’s not happening”

So I was basically forced to buy him boys toys, I have already done the boys Christmas shopping and I have also bought him toys that I know he’d like.

I want to donate the toys we bought today to children that would probably not get a gift this year. And I have been online and I’ve put the toys in my basket that I know our son would prefer.

Do you think I am being unreasonable? I just want our son to be happy when he sees his gifts, and bearing in mind he will not open them on his birthday as we’ll be away on holiday, and I know it would be nice for him to come home to more surprises.

OP posts:
LemonyChicken · 07/12/2024 20:58

How many gifts are you buying? Why doesn't he buy a gift and you buy one?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 07/12/2024 21:01

So,,,,, everything you bought and paid for in Smyths was purely to pacify your DH and you're going to give it all away and replace everything?

Your problem is your marriage.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 07/12/2024 21:02

Your husband sounds like he doesn’t know your child at all.

I buy my children a range of things I think they’ll enjoy. Some firm favourites but also some new things to try. I wouldn’t waste money on things I know they won’t like.

My DS is only 8mo but he will play with the toys we already have here from his two older sisters. They were bought a wide range of toys regardless of any advertising of which sex they are aimed at.

Ponderingwindow · 07/12/2024 21:03

give your child the toys he will enjoy. have a serious conversation with your husband that you will be calling out his sexism in front of the children if he tries to shame any of your children for not conforming to gendered expectations.

MoggyP · 07/12/2024 21:06

Agree with PP

One thing from you, one thing from DH.

One that's a sure fire to be liked, one which will be something new to him.

Don't get more than that. If you're concerned about DC who have less, have a clear out of your DC's older toys that he no longer likes, and donate all those that are still in good condition.

And have a hard think about whether you really felt forced by your DH, or if you are writing for effect. It's hard to tell if he was being overly forceful, or if you're indulging in a fit of the martyrs

TheGirlWhoLived · 07/12/2024 21:10

I think children should play with the toys they like but there’s a difference between buying the ‘aimed at girls’ versions and ‘aimed at boys’ version.

So sylvanians are animals in houses right, you don’t necessarily NEED to buy sylvanians in dresses getting married (although you absolutely could if that’s what he specifically wants!)

There are Jellycat dragons and Jellycat fairies, moana has boat toys as well as a necklace with the heart of tefiti, iyswim?

I’d maybe question your DH about what about a boy playing with animals, houses, boats and dragons is wrong. Or even a boy playing with dolls and babies… emulating his dad having baby’s and keeping house

Bubobubo · 07/12/2024 21:24

Show him this.

AIBU? R.E Birthday Presents
Dishwashersaurous · 07/12/2024 21:30

Surely he can just have different toys to play with. There aren't girl toys and boy toys. Just toys.

Buy him some toys for his birthday and then two weeks later for Christmas buy him some other toys.

How many toys are you buying him?

User820825 · 07/12/2024 21:34

He's only two. He hasn't really had much time to express such strong preferences for toys yet.

Original poster
MyThreeLittleLoves · 07/12/2024 21:39

The idea of one gift from me and one gift for his dad wouldn’t work, I like for the boys to have at least 20 presents to unwrap on their day.

@TheGirlWhoLived Yes, that’s right they are animals in houses, he loves them.

OP posts:
VegTrug · 07/12/2024 21:44

Sorry I’m with your DH. He’ll be starting school in a year or two and likely to change his interests completely (same happened with a friends’ boy who played with dolls etc and then changed completely to motorbikes & cars once he started nursery at 4)

Rowen32 · 07/12/2024 21:56

20 presents, you lost me there

allthatfalafel · 07/12/2024 22:02

I don't understand, surely your DH is going to know you've done that when your son opens his presents and they're 1) not at all the things you bought together and 2) are things he's already said he doesn't approve of.

So you're just going to have the argument on the celebration day instead of now, may as well have it now and not ruin a special day.

Mandylovescandy · 07/12/2024 22:03

20 presents seems way too many to me but otherwise I agree that gender if child doesn't matter for toys but what they like and what will support their development at a particular age. Discuss with DH again and return some for what you would like to get him

PeloMom · 07/12/2024 22:07

Bubobubo · 07/12/2024 21:24

Show him this.

I was about to post the same. My boy’s most played toy is a play kitchen with all the food accessories. According to many it’s a girls toy 🙄. I didn’t know boys didn’t eat therefore didn’t have any business familiarizing themselves with food and kitchen.

LemonyChicken · 07/12/2024 22:10

MyThreeLittleLoves · 07/12/2024 21:39

The idea of one gift from me and one gift for his dad wouldn’t work, I like for the boys to have at least 20 presents to unwrap on their day.

@TheGirlWhoLived Yes, that’s right they are animals in houses, he loves them.

Not going to judge the number.

Then he buys 10 and you buy 10

WaverleyOwl · 07/12/2024 22:19

My DS2 (now 12) was rather gender non-conforming. We just rolled with it and over time his tastes changed. Your son is still so little!

You husband is a dick if he wants to force gender conformity on your son. He's only 3! He should be allowed to live his best make believe life at the moment!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 08/12/2024 06:43

This is an interesting study.

PigInADuvet · 08/12/2024 06:52

My son is a bit like this, we buy him what he likes. He is 6 and has no idea who spiderman is or whoever else is popular amongst 6 year old boys these days!!

He has lego, playmobil (particularly likes the dog walker/trainer sets!), last year for Christmas he had a dolls house. It's all stuff that allows for open ended imaginative play. We opted for the dolls house last year because he started playing with one in a speech therapy session, loved it, and it encouraged his speech as he was "narrating" his play. These days, there's usually someone from the dolls house getting arrested and "told off" by the lego police officer.

I'd be very tempted to buy my husband something he's not remotely interested in to make a point but that's just me 😆

Eenameenadeeka · 08/12/2024 07:28

I think it's perfectly reasonable to buy whichever toys your child enjoys regardless of gender, but I'd not have bought things I thought my child wouldn't want id have told my husband in the shop. If you are going to donate rather than return, perhaps you can give him some of what hyour husband chose, and pick a few things yourself, and see what he likes before donating. Hes very young and his likes will probably change lots over time

crackfoxy · 08/12/2024 07:30

20....!

SweetBobby · 08/12/2024 07:36

20 presents? Are you trying to compensate for something?

Either way, I wouldn't buy girls toys for a boy but I know I'll get attacked for that one here. It's too risky these days with everyone trying to trans children based on what they play with.

Everydayimhuffling · 08/12/2024 07:52

Why would you donate instead of returning things? Unless you are afraid of your husband, you need to actually have that argument. Yes, you can let him choose half the things as gifts from him and choose new things from you, but you are going to need to deal with his belief that he can choose how his son plays to for his own gender expectations. Better to have that argument now than in front of your child or when he takes something away from your child.

TheGirlWhoLived · 08/12/2024 07:54

20 presents isn’t ginormous; it could be they only get presents for birthdays/christmas and not the rest of the year. It could be there’s not a lot of extended family, who knows- who cares!? Once the kids start opening them 20 won’t seem sickeningly excessive. What if there are 4 small sylvanian sets, would you group them all in one gift so there’s less to open? Kids love presents

TheGirlWhoLived · 08/12/2024 07:55

@SweetBobby could I ask what makes something a ‘girls’ toy in your opinion? Toys marketed for girls? Pink toys? Baby’s? Doll’s prams?

my husband wears pink, works in marketing directed at females and has been known to change a baby and push a pushchair in his time

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