Help with my 8 year old who is controlling me!

[MistletoeAndWine24]

Good afternoon,
I am here to seek some genuine actual advice not to read comments full of judgement so please if you have nothing constructive to say, do not say anything. This is stressful enough and I am now at a complete loss hence why I am coming on here pleading for help from strangers.

My son is 8, his dad was very controlling of me for the duration of his life, very abusive physically and mentally. I left that relationship 14 months ago now and have been a part of a womens refuge since. We do not live in refuge accommodation but a safe house. The refuge have done some 1-1 sessions with him, as have barnardos to no avail.

My son now displays all of the behavior his dad did, when I want to go out without him with friends he becomes very nasty verbally and displays behaviours that are concerning. I am going out this evening with my aunt and friends so he proceeded to say he is going to be naughty for the baby sitter, got a butter knife and began stabbing his leg and said 'i better answer my phone when he calls me' 'I better be home at 10 o'clock' This happens every single time i go out without him, day time or evening. Gp referred to CAMHS who said it is anxiety and referred for anger management. I just do not feel like professionals are hearing me and are missing the point that his behaviours are getting worse. I am now going to cancel my plans of going out just to save my baby sitter the evening from hell.

Please can anybody suggest what I can do? I take him out a fair amount and do not go out every week, I make sure he knows where I am going and who with so he knows I am safe but this has no effect. I just want some time to let my hair down without it being a battle😢

I really wouldn’t cancel the night out - that’s classic reinforcement that his behaviour works and surely can only embed it further. It sounds incredibly hard, I’m sorry. Can you ask for more help from barnardo’s / the NSPCC / his social worker? Imagine you would qualify for one given the extensive history of DV if your son doesn’t already have one. Sounds like he needs it

@Yarrrrr barnardos wont help any further as they said they have done everything they can. We do not have a social worker either since may, I have self referred back but they will not help either because i completed all the work necessary and all the necessary referrals has been made in reference to the CAMHS service. I'm banging my head off the wall nobody wants to help but this is not normal behaviour

Please don't cancel your night out!
You are in charge- and making sure he knows that will help him feel safe.
Children NEED really firm boundaries.

I agree with PP that by not going out you are teaching him that his behaviour will get him what he wants.

I'd warn the babysitter that he's gearing up to be challenging, and maybe provide some strategies, and go out.

If he calls you (does he have a mobile phone? If so make sure he only has a dumb phone or a restricted phone not a smart phone perhaps) do not answer the phone, do not engage with him at all.

Obviously the babysitter has to be on board, and able to handle themselves, but honestly just don't even react when he's using the butter knife to jab himself ......he's doing stuff to make you react as he learned would work from his Dad, you need to break those associations.

So sorry you are in this situation, sending only compassion and hope that you can access professional help. 💐

OK take this one behaviour. What he's communicating is an unmet need. He's scared and anxious you are going out, because you are his one safe person in all this trauma. He's just communicating that fear in the way he was trained to by his father. It's the conditioning, and behaviour, NOT the feeling. The feeling is valid.

Work out what that need is. Talk about the need not the behaviour. For example, when he starts to get wound up when he knows you're going, sit down, "Fred, I can see you're really upset. Can we talk about what you're feeling? Fear, sadness, where in your body do you feel it?" Then allow him to talk. "Oh Fred I'm sorry that's really hard" then reassure about whatever he is feeling. Maybe he's scared you will be late, and it will be dark. Or he's scared the person sitting for him won't be nice. Or that you won't come back.

Empathy, reassurance, love, time, naming his emotions and feeling them with them. But DO go out.

Just want to add he does not have a mobile phone but the baby sitter does let him call me when ever he wants from her phone.

I will try and speak to him about what concerns him the most and see if I can try and compromise so I can go out and be relaxed whilst he is relaxed here

Meant to say, you can say, "you don't need to hurt yourself. I can see how upset you are" because the self-harm is him trying to communicate. Very poorly but it is.

Another important thing is to name emotions really carefully. We had a grid on the wall with faces. DD could point to one and we'd say, "oh not angry, frustrated" and it would help her feel heard.

1. Do not cancel your plans
2. Move all cutlery, scissors and razors out of his reach, just in case.

His behaviour is likely to keep ramping up particularly as he enters the teen years. What he needs is boundaries, clear expectations and consistency that you will do what you say you will, when you say it this includes your own plans as well as sanctions. This will help him feel safe even if he doesn't like the process.

I am going out, to have dinner with Aunt Sally and Sarah, I will be out until around 11:30. You will have dinner and play A or watch B with Jenny the babysitter and then go to bed. Jenny will ring me in an emergency. Tomorrow we will have C for breakfast and do D. I expect you to behave nicely and to follow Jenny's instructions or we will not be able to do D.

Whether you cancel.or not tonight doesn't matter, you need time to plan everything for the next time you go out. I would find an older babysitter or an adult who will look after him and employ their services a few times, for an hour or so while you are there so he gets used to them with then safety and comfort of you being home. Then, I think I would give him a few days notice to process that you will be going out on x day for x hours. Tell him you will phone at a certain time for a quick check in so that he knows you are OK and reassure him that you are coming back. Consider prewarning that poor behaviour and threats will not make you come back faster as it is unacceptable behaviour. Maybe it will take time to get an evening out, but try an hour first and build up slowly....'you and babysitter had a great time last time, I will phone like a normally do, but I will be out a bit longer this time'. If he will kick off on the phone and make threats, the babysitter will need to be aware that you will tell him you aren't coming back yet (so his behaviour isn't rewarded) but also that you will cut your evening short and return for everyone's safety.

Do not cancel your plans under any circumstances, this will mean that next time you go out he'll ramp up his behaviour more and more because he knows you'll eventually give in to what he wants.

However, I do think the behaviour is due to extreme anxiety as cahms have said, he's desperately trying to cling on to you and is doing everything in his power to hang on to you, but he needs to be taught ways in which he can express this without self harming/abusing you. This will be a long process and I'm really sorry you're having to deal with the fall out from your abusive ex

Patience, consistency, age appropriate explanations and reassurance.

I know it's hard but he absolutely needs to know you are in charge.

I am in the exact same situation , the other day he asked me what the hell i was doing sitting next to a man in the cinema (just a man we did not know who happened to buy the seat next to us)
He talks to me the way my ex did , threatens me, etc. and he is 9!.
sorry i can not offer you any tips as nothing seems to work. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

I think there are lots of things going on here at once.

As PP have said your DS is highly anxious and traumatised by his experience of witnessing DV in the home alongside the removal of his DF and disruption of his physical living space. As of course have you.

His feelings and experiences are complex, messy, internalised and unprocessed and therefore come out sideways in rage and panic.

His actions are likley rooted in fear of uncertainty and abandonment (he might feel his DF has abandoned him) - anger and attempts at control are strategies o ease the fear.

Do you have professional support for yourself, the terror your endured and the trauma you most likley hold?

I am worried that your unsupported / unprocessed trauma is being projected back out by seeing your DS as behaving in a controlling way just like his DF. This makes sense from a trauma perspective where your fearful brain is hypervigilant scouring anf scanning for risks and threats.

However feeling, believing and assuming that an 8 year olds behaviour is the same as that of a grown man is inaccurate and will only fuel a disconnect and derailment of your relationship with your son. He needs your reassurance, love, boundaries etc not the potential unspoken atmosphere of resentment and contempt. I understand how you feel but there is a need to shift gears with professional support.

You should go out and your life should not be hijacked and your held emotional hostage by your own perspective and the behaviour of your son. Dont knee jerk by capitulating with staying home (would undertandably breed bitterness and contempt in you) or do tough love by floucing out. Keep calm and reassuring but firm.

A long short but could your Ex have had any undiagnosed ND - are there any behaviours or concerns in other contexts (eg school, friendships) where your DS struggles with emotional regulation?

I'm guessing your financial position is precarious, but would you be able to get your child into play therapy?

For now, follow the excellent advice of MrsTerryPratchett.

Also follow the advice to:
Warn the babysitter.
Call him at a prearranged time. Don't pick up the phone if he calls you.
Hide or lock away anything that could be used as a weapon.

What support does his school offer?

Hide the butter knives and go out.
You firmly tell him that you’re the adult and he’s the child. He will be staying with the babysitter; you will be going out and you will be back later.
Let the rest of his bluster go over your head. For gods sake do not bow to his every demand.

Your kid lived with controlling behaviour until he was 6 that stuff sinks in.
Therapy

There's a pretty good chance your 8 yr old is pretty traumatised too by his dad behaviour so try not to think of it as controlling or displaying his dads behaviours. He is most likely on hyper alert all the time. His world has shifted with yourself being the only constant.

All that said it doesn't make them easy to manage.

I have sen children that often need a different approach. I recommend it alot but I found The Incredible Years parenting course incredibly helpful (probably the most helful of all courses iv done) with managing my children's behaviours and my own behaviours. You can get the book too or audio book by Carolyn Webster-Stratton.

Baarnardoes arranged the course through another provider for me.

You can Google the incredible years.

https://www.nwtraumacounseling.org/family-resources/10-tips-for-disciplining-a-traumatized-child

This might help too

I would also highly recommend The Incredible Years - it helps you focus on looking at your own reactions and communication style - what you bring to the dynamic that maybe inadvertently feeding the problematic behaviour.

All of this. He's anxious and trauma-impacted, not controlling.

Thank you everybody for your advice. I will take a look at the programmes recommended

Yes I agree this is not a horrible controlling child, it's a traumatised child being controlling because that's how he is coping, or failing to cope with the trauma. I think there are two in puts:

• His dad was violent and scary. Why should any other adult NOT be violent and scary? (Babysitters could be)
• He saw dad use violence to control you so in his high anxiety he is maybe copying that behaviour because he thinks anything to get out of having a babysitter.

Does the babysitter come to your home often? Could she/he get involved in activities with all three of you so she becomes a trusted family friend?

Babysitter is female very good family friends daughter. My son is very familiar with her, it isn’t just a random person he has only met a few times

Did you go out last night @MistletoeAndWine24 - how did it go?