Help with my 8 year old who is controlling me!

[MistletoeAndWine24]

Good afternoon,
I am here to seek some genuine actual advice not to read comments full of judgement so please if you have nothing constructive to say, do not say anything. This is stressful enough and I am now at a complete loss hence why I am coming on here pleading for help from strangers.

My son is 8, his dad was very controlling of me for the duration of his life, very abusive physically and mentally. I left that relationship 14 months ago now and have been a part of a womens refuge since. We do not live in refuge accommodation but a safe house. The refuge have done some 1-1 sessions with him, as have barnardos to no avail.

My son now displays all of the behavior his dad did, when I want to go out without him with friends he becomes very nasty verbally and displays behaviours that are concerning. I am going out this evening with my aunt and friends so he proceeded to say he is going to be naughty for the baby sitter, got a butter knife and began stabbing his leg and said 'i better answer my phone when he calls me' 'I better be home at 10 o'clock' This happens every single time i go out without him, day time or evening. Gp referred to CAMHS who said it is anxiety and referred for anger management. I just do not feel like professionals are hearing me and are missing the point that his behaviours are getting worse. I am now going to cancel my plans of going out just to save my baby sitter the evening from hell.

Please can anybody suggest what I can do? I take him out a fair amount and do not go out every week, I make sure he knows where I am going and who with so he knows I am safe but this has no effect. I just want some time to let my hair down without it being a battle😢

You need proper professional help and support - whereas for a normal untraumatised child I agree not cancelling plans is the right call I am not sure whst the best approach here is to deal with a child who is deeply anxious and traumatised

how long are you out for? I would start by going out for a short time and then coming back so he recognising that you are. I suspect quite a lot of things need to be relearnt now the trauma has gone

It probably is anxiety OP.

Kids will try and control whatever they can when they're anxious. For my DS it's toileting and eating and it is absolutely ruining our lives. For your DS you're the only constant he's got. You've both recently, in the grand scheme of things, left an abusive situation where he saw another adult use abuse to control except your DS isn't doing this to be abusive it's just these are the only tools he has at the moment. He's not picked up any other ways of communicating.

It took me, an adult, at least 3 years before my nervous system felt regulated enough that I wasn't making irrational choices or poorly communicating or getting irate and frustrated after leaving abuse. I can imagine how difficult it must be for a child to have their world flipped upside down.

Is he in school? Can his SENCo organise emotional literacy workshops for him or any in school play based therapies? I know these arent always available so easily. At the end of the day we've got both an adult and a child who have experienced a duration of trauma and uncertainty and I would hope the school are able to support your sons overall development including his mental wellbeing. Does his anxiety stop him accessing a curriculum at all?