What would you have done?

[harlacem0507]

My daughter is 17 months old and we go to a small baby group every Friday. There is a 3 year old there who every Friday will throw a tantrum about something or other. Anyway, today my daughter was holding a rattle type toy, just walking around shaking it when the boy came up and took it off her. Mum noticed it too and immediately intervened so I thought great, sorted. Except her son then went into full melt down mode, my daughter was half crying/moaning but not overly upset but put out nonetheless. I watched and did nothing as other mother was dealing with it but when her son threw himself on the floor (still holding the toy) she looked at me apologetically and said 'i did try' and say down again.

I am not asking AIBU about her because that's how she parents and although I don't agree with it and would have made my child hand it back it's not my business. What is my business though is what I should have done after this. Which btw I did nothing as my daughter has then walked onto another activity but it didn't sit right with me and I'm wondering what others would have done in that situation? Would you have intervened in a way where you would the take the toy off that child (not being unreasonable) or let it go like I did? (Yes AIBU)

My partner said I should have taken it myself seeing as the mother didn't bother but I'm still not sure whether that would have been the right thing to do, although it's clearly still bothering me enough to write this post!

What would u have done?

I had handed my child another toy to replace and carried on.

I would have told the mother to give my daughter the rattle back.
(tbh to her "I tried" I'd have either said "not very hard" or quoted Yoda: do or do not, there is no try)

This. I'm afraid you need to pick your battles when it comes to other peoples' parenting.

It's wrong though isn't it? I find it so strange sometimes when parents are afraid to rock the boat with their kids.

This for me too. You little one doesn't understand to care about the toy really. Any other toy would replace it. They probably would have dropped it soon after anyway. Also if she goes into childcare in the future or has siblings/cousins etc this will happen all the time !! Better to get her used to fighting her corner now lol

YANBU to be annoyed this , it’s really frustrating when something like this happens.

But all you can do is parent your own kid. If the situation reversed you would have ensured the kid was given back the toy and that would have been great. All you can do is teach your own child to do the right thing.

This. It’s what your daughter soon did anyway.

It’s awful when you see parents who are clearly terrified of their kids. All you can do is parent your own kid, dreadful though this situation is.

You have no idea about her parenting or the child. My son is globally delayed and autistic. He appears like he doesn't have any conditions. But he doesn't understand personal property, he doesn't even understand the word no, he has limited social cues and would see the situation as I like that rattle I want that rattle. Not getting that rattle could lead to an inconsolable melt down.

Don't judge until you have all the facts.

I looked after a child like this being a student nurse years ago. I would explain, excuse and still hand over the toy. Leave if it was too much for 'my' child.

Agreed and exactly how I parented my autistic DC.

It did cross my mind whether he could be autistic due to the meltdown but my friend is an autistic/ADHD assessor and she says autism explains the behaviour but it doesn't excuse it.

Unless they're autistic and likely to go ballistic at things like that...this is why I don't take my son to play amongst other kids

Me too. Toddlers are completely unreasonable and always fighting over toys. I just used to distract my children when this sort of thing happened.

Easy now. They are toddlers not university students.

Utter rubbish, autism meltdowns are an involuntary reaction, you can't tell if his reaction was a meltdown or a tantrum. It is not due to behaviour but being sensory overloaded. Also he is so little, he might just not have the social skills yet.

So as per original response, you don't know the situation you can't possibly judge.

You make a good point, probably was just being a spoilt bugger.

I would be asking the organiser why a 3yo is still coming to a "baby group".

Your friend sounds incompetent and uncaring. No wonder there are so many poor diagnosis.

I agree. You can't possibly know the full picture. Maybe she was totally exhausted from juggling things you can't imagine, and it didn't feel like a battle worth fighting. I'm not saying right or wrong, just a bit of compassion. Your child didn't even mind so no idea why you are still bothered when it's had zero impact on your child,

I think she might be referring to the parents, that's how I took it anyway

It's hard to be compassionate when a child snatches a toy off yours and has zero repercussions for it. It's not as if I called her out in front of everyone or berated that child but it did bother me underneath the surface, hence coming here to get it off my chest and see what others would have done in that scenario.

Honestly? I would have forgotten about it within about five seconds of it happening, as would a toddler.

Buckle up, you're in for a wild ride over the next 18 years.

If ots as regular as you day, I'd have said something like "that's OK, let me speak to the group leader and see if she has a spare" and then explained the situation to the leader woth the expectation that she or he will get the toy or speak seperately to the mum about fitire expectations.

It would really piss me off because the mother is being so weak. if the boy had a knife or scissors, she would damn well get it back off him because her son is in danger and no matter how nicely she is speaking, what she really means is she can't be arsed and it doesn't matter because it's your child missing out.

I’d have said, “Did you?”

And then kept my distance.

I have no time for shite parenting.