Didnt want to travel in 50mph winds and rain

[Hobbit2108]

My partner of a year lives about 10 miles from me, we were due to go out for a meal at local restaurant/pub, nothing special, just a date night sort of thing. Weather Amber alert was issued for the evening for a named storm, with high winds of 50 mph, heavy rain and 1 degrees. Lots of local events have been cancelled and people advised not to drive unless necessary. I said could we cancel and go another night as I did not want to drive to and from his in such weather in the dark. (He didnt suggest I just drive there and stay over), His response was "you''ll be fine" and he was then off hand and moody with me when I said No, I dont want to risk it. I thought he would be more bothered about my safety than a meal out. And he's read but not replied to my text suggesting an alternative. Theres been a few times when he hasnt shown much concern, if I have been hurt or ill, and it's starting to worry me. Am I unreasonable, should I drive in that weather, am I letting him down ?

I don’t like driving at night generally, regardless of weather. My DH knows this and drives whenever possible, because he doesn’t mind driving at night.

Before we lived together, when we were dating, he lived around a 40 minute drive away from me, and he would always offer drive to me for dates, or offer to pick me up and drive somewhere else that we were going even if it was well out of his way (regardless of the time of year or weather).

That was because he really wanted to spend time with me, and if your DP really wanted to see you then he could easily come and pick you up tonight - he is just choosing not to as he can’t be bothered to make the effort for you.

Maybe he really just doesn't see it as a big deal and feels like you're just making up an excuse.

@Hobbit2108 I think you should use the 'match his energy' strategy, ie show him exactly the same amount of concern that he shows you. If he sulks then leave him twisting in the wind, when or if he gets back in touch behave in a nonchalant manner as if you'd hardly noticed he'd gone.

I'd say this is a pretty good explanation. It's a lot of the reason we have the health and safety legislation we do. Neither are wrong.

I wouldn't go but I rarely go out in bad weather anyway unless I have to. It sounds like something you can easily do another time

Very wise decision, OP. We had several trees down across the road in this area during the last storm and people were stuck for hours — in one case they had to leave their cars and be taken in 4x4s across sodden fields and then left to phone taxis to pick them up and take them home for the night. People who live in towns where there's always an alternative route have no idea!

We have a red alert here: 75mph winds. I've cancelled our plans for this evening and an making plans to cope without electricity for the next couple of days, it always goes down when the wind is above 50mph.

Maybe there was something special planned???? Could a proposal be on the cards or something like asking you to move in or something?

The travel advice to not travel unnecessarily is not only there to protect you but to allow emergency services more capacity for emergencies relating to the weather. YANBU to not go for that reason.

It is very telling that he hasn't offered to come the 10 miles in the opposite direction, considering his opinion that "you'll be fine". If you'll be fine, so would he.

I had similar with a guy I was dating. Everything was on his terms. I always went to his. We always met on days that were convenient for him. If I was busy doing something else he'd sulk, but if he was busy on a day on a day I suggested, I was encouraged to rearrange my plans, though would never rearrange his own.

In his case, he'd lived on his own for a long time and had just got used to being so self absorbed he couldn't compromise and became very selfish.

We stopped seeing each other and although he's now seeing someone, they don't live together, never have and never will! I think even she has seen he'd be a nightmare to live with so happily keeps him at arm's length. Interestingly though, she manages to get him to go to her all the time, so perhaps they're perfect for each other!

I wouldnt think so, he said early on he didnt want to share a home

Sounds very very similar !

I don't think the issue is whether or not you should travel, but his behaviour towards you when you don't comply. If his definition of acceptable treatment of you is to sulk and be moody, this isn't the man for you! He won't get better over time. Dump this one back in the sea

This.

If it's so safe (despite warnings) why isn't he coming to you instead of sulking?

He should care more than that after being a boyfriend for a year, and the relationship should still be fun.

No. You did the right thing not travelling in a storm in a very rural area.
This happened to me, and I ended up driving into a flooded river. The problem with travelling in the pitch dark is, flood water, when still, is not visible and is why I drove straight into it. Never again!

It's not your driving that is the reason to stay home, it is that of other people. Remember even in normal weather about 25% of people who drive are unfit to do so.

Make a good night of it at home, pick a film you'll enjoy tonight watch, assemble whatever nice food you've got, and ignore him from here on. Let him make the next move.

You did the right thing OP. Someone has died today in Preston after a tree fell on his van. The warnings are there for a reason. I dont particularly enjoy driving at the best of times, there's no way id be out driving in this storm with a weather warning in place. Your DP sounds very uncaring and unsympathetic towards you. Have you spoken to him now? Id be having a word about how he treats you and how he reacts to your concerns so you can nip it in the bud.

Well for what it's worth I missed parkrun this morning (two local ones were on, although the nearest two were cancelled) because I didn't want to drive somewhere and risk a tree falling on the car.

As two men have died today due to trees falling on their cars, I don't think I made the wrong decision.

Unpleasant conditions are one thing. Dangerous conditions are another. And driving in the dark makes it even worse, you might not see a tree or other obstacle in the road.

Don't blame you not wanting to go. We went out this afternoon and the road was flooded half a mile out of our village. Stay safe, and if he's still being offhand then be offhand back x

Sounds just like my ex. If I was ill etc or there's bad weather he would be expect me to drive the 40 miles to him so he can "look after me." If I said no he would phone and spend hours trying to convince me and telling me I was being difficult and didn't care he was trying to do something nice for me. It only got worse, he became so suffocating and controlling I was miserable.
You were following advice OP, you did nothing wrong. If he wanted to see you that bad he should have made the effort!

I think your first mistake was phrasing it as a question, and basically asking for his permission. And then your second response is that you are letting him down because he is sulking.

I would have gone with:

"I'm afraid I'm going to cancel tonight, I'd love to see you but I don't fancy travelling in the storm and they are advising essential travel only. Let me know when you are free next and we can reschedule."

Him: "You'll be fine."

"No, I won't be travelling. You are free to come here if you want though"

And then that would be it, he'd either rock up or not but I wouldn't be pandering once I'd made a decision for my personal safety.

He sounds selfish and manipulative. Honestly, I would be re-thinking my relationship with him if I were you, OP.

If he is sulking and not answering your messages I'd send one more telling him I was done as I don't beg to be listened to. Ignorant twat.

It was only an amber alert not a red one! Why couldn't you drive?

Sounds like he sees you as an appliance - okay if you're 'functioning' but if you're prioritising your own needs he's sulky. He criticises you for having wants and needs but expects you to be attending to his.

I drove for about 3 hours round trip today and it was fine. Lots of other people driving, traffic on the M25 even. The fact that you’re in an amber alert zone and not red alert means I’m in his camp of ‘you’ll be fine.’

However yes, he should’ve offered to come to you if you’ve explicitly stated you don’t want to drive.