bad life choice. what next?

[cato40]

posting here for traffic

Suggestions to find the courage to get out of this situation
Hello mumsnetters, I am writing here because I am in need of help by people that are not emotionally involved and a bit different perspective could help me see and think about this situation differently.

I am Italian and ex husband from SE Asia, 2 kids 8 and 11. We lived all our married life in the UK and have British passports, he had an affair for the last 5 years of our marriage and we divorced. He suggested I went back to my country with the kids so he could leave the UK to move to the States where the OW is. Since his affair he has lost interest in the kids and only Disney-dad them and pays maintenance.

He said he would have left the UK to be with OW so if I stayed, I would have been alone. We have no family and a few friends in the UK, but not the kind of friendship you can rely on when a child is sick. I thought moving back to Italy was the best option although I left as a student and spent all my adult life in the UK.

Me and kids have been in northern Italy 4 months now and it is tough. We live with my mum brother and his wife (who are buying their own place that will be ready in a few months) in my mum’s flat.

My work is good but it is a 12 months contract and very far from home. There are no jobs where I am living and remote work here is rare.

Schools here are a downgrade from British schools and kids miss their friends, plus learning in a different language is hard, learning is mainly memorising facts. I can’t move to a different area because the school system requires the help of extended family. As a single parent I cannot work and send children to school without the help of my extended family and with my Italian salary I cannot afford paid childcare. Dad is paying maintenance but he will likely stop when he moved with OW, like many other useless dads.

My mum is doing her best but she is old and struggling, the load of helping me is more than we all thought it would be and we are learning the hard way (I underestimated how long I would be away for work due to failing train system). My mum gets very angry on the small things. She always did but I thought better be with my family than alone in the UK or with the exH who does not really care about his kids.

Brother and wife do help a lot with the logistics but are not very sensitive to the kids’ emotional needs. Called my kids manipulator, snob and brats because they complained about the change in their lifestyle from a beautiful part of London to an overcrowded flat in Lombardy and going to quite unpleasant schools. They are of the mentality that as long as you have a roof on the head and food on the table you should be happy. Very old school.

Neither me or my brother can find anywhere to rent because of overtourism. It is a real problem.

Kids are not very happy. I see less of them because of work, dad every few months and calls them twice a week. We live in a cramped place and they miss the UK their friends etc. my eldest said she prefers to be called a brat by her dad than her uncle/auntie and wants to go back (she would have gone to a very good secondary school very close to our old place).

Whilst I see myself living well here once the house in the UK is sold, I can see it will be hard for the kids, in the short terms whilst I depend on family for wraparound care and in the future given the scarce work opportunities.
I think that for the kids would be best to go back whilst we still have our old place and a cheap mortgage but I am terrified at the idea of managing by myself, Ex H is unreliable and I know that if I delay the house sale he will retaliate. I see redundancies everywhere in the UK and as a non-British born middle aged woman it is harder from me to find a job, I am scared of coming back to our old place and not finding work or even places in the kids’ old schools. It is such a risk and I would not be able to come back if it didn’t work.
Everyone is unhappy (except exH, but he is one of those kissed by luck and always gets what he wants), I like it here but it is not right for the kids, ExH said that if me and my family can’t cope here, he’ll take the kids and raise them with the OW as they will have such a good life in the US. I was upset when he first said that and it sounded like a threat. But since my kids’ quality of life has plunged so badly I wonder whether I should:

1. Risk it. go back to the UK, find a job and try everything to give the kids good schooling and a decent life, if I fail let him take care of them wherever he goes. thsi way i[ll take these 4 months asa blip.

2. Suck it up. Stay here and do my best until the kids grow up and move somewhere else. by then their dad[s romance will have cooled down and they will be ready to live closer to him after i will have struggled all these years and they will probably resent me for this move.

I feel trapped, too scared to stay too scared to go. I love my family and appreciate their help but living in the UK meant that I did not need their help as schools have after school clubs etc. trains work and schools are closer to where people live (not like 10/15km). I don’t agree with how sometimes my kids are treated here but because of respect and me depending on family I cannot say anything. Kids see this and think I am a door mat (I am).

Please help!

Didn’t you already do a thread in this, a few weeks ago?

Yes i did, and I thought of giving myself some time to see if things settled. Things haven't emproved here and I feel more and more paralysed. Family is getting frustrated on my lack of decision and I struggle to find a way out.

It sounds as if moving back to the UK would be in the best interests of the kids. Unfortunately it sounds like more than teething pains and trying to start again and learn a whole new language is a big ask. You have 10 years until your youngest is at college, what do you want those 10 years to look like?

I think you need to channel someone who is mentally strong (that is what I do when I'm feeling down and weak).

In your shoes, I would ask your husband nicely for the sake of the kids, to stay in the UK and be a parent for next 10 years. OW can come here. It's not the best thing for them to have parents in different countries.

If he can't do that, I would still sell the UK house and get something smaller, more manageable, less overwhelming for you to handle on your own financially. Try and get a job with a wfh element so if the kids are ill you can work at home. Maybe live in a cheaper area. Explain to the children that the old life is over. They can go back to the UK but it won't be exactly the same. You also need to be realistic. There is no point mourning your old life now, but you have to get on with your new life and be grateful for what you have, wherever you decide to stay. You seem to be just looking at negatives, which is not surprising after you've been through a lot, but you need to give yourself a bit of a kick up the bum!

Be strong, see the good in the choices you make. Nothing will be perfect, your children will not be unaffected. But if short term and long term you think your kids will be better off in the UK then come back and make it work, even if you can't have the same lifestyle you had before.

Thank you @PrincessOfPreschool I have asked that to Ex, but he has been clear that is not an option. 3 years max till the youngest finishes year 6 then he will be gone. He does not care and wants the money from the family home ASAP to invest in some fantasy business.

I did tell the kids that if we go back it won’t be like the old life, the eldest as a 11 year old initially wanted to move to Italy because she was too embarrassed (she is a child) by how our lifestyle has changed and thinks her friends won’t like her anymore (which I said it won’t be the case and there is nothing to be embarrassed about). More than mourning my old life I feel sorry for the kids, for what their life could have been and won’t be. And I feel the weight to be the only one that loves them truly unconditionally.

Yesterday I had a really bad day as it was the little one ‘s birthday and Dad decided at the last minute to travel here for half a day. I took time off work, reluctantly, and did my best to make the kids spend as much time with their dad (he goes on expensive holidays with OW and spends ½ day for his DD birthday) as possible. I told my mum I was going to drop off the kids and will be with their dad for the afternoon (I know the place) and she got so upset that she cried all afternoon (apparently I did not give her enough notice and she wanted to have lunch with the kids before I took them to see their dad but that way they would have seen him for 2 hours).
When I returned home with the kids and cake to celebrate at home my family was out, they went out to give us a lesson (and to calm my mum down) and in the end me and the kids celebrated just the three of us.

I told DD we would not have cake with her dad to celebrate with my family instead, as they do so much for us, and it ended up so badly. I get my family are angry and frustrated with me but DD didn’t deserve that.

You already know the answer, go back to the UK and give it your best shot

And I feel the weight to be the only one that loves them truly unconditionally.

I'm assuming it was that way for quite a long time, maybe since they were born. At least for the last 5 years.

Your family sound pretty horrible and you sound a bit of a pushover (sorry!). Probably because they have always had these horrible ways to punish you. I would come back to the UK and try and get some help (go to your GP) for your self esteem.

Your kids are learning some valuable lessons about sticking up for yourself, love more important than money etc etc

Come back to the UK, possibly to a cheaper area so you can afford your own place with your share of the house sale? The kids will still have to make new friends, but at least they won't be exposed to toxic family dynamics, learning in another language, and there will be afterschool clubs.

I’d go back to UK tbh too many downsides to Italy

QUITALY!

Exactly all of this and tbh the weight of being the only one to love them unconditionally is less to me than the other issues tbh

Your mum was being ridiculous sorry!

Go back, they'll quickly forget these four months.
I made a similar mistake, tho my move was a smaller one and I stuck with it. It still haunts me 7 years on. It I could to back.. I also know that frozen feeling you have and how you probably don't feel you can't trust your decision now because you've been stung by this bad one. It is a horrible feeling. Wishing you the very best.

The way I see it you've got three options:

Option 1: Go back to the same area and downsize to maybe a flat or similar so you can afford it by yourself.
Option 2: Go back to any other part of the UK, where you can get a lovely remote job and a cheaper home, access to good schools in your children's preferred language etc.
Option 3: Stay in Italy but move further away from family (e.g. closer to your work, or maybe some better schools) so they're still just an hour or three away but not right under your feet in your exact area, which gives you more options to find property that might be off the tourist track.

Which one jumps out at you the most? From reading your posts, it seems like option 1 or 2 will be best for everyone, as it doesn't sound like you're getting a lot of support in Italy or like the area is well set-up for the way you need to live e.g. childcare etc.

That sounds really difficult OP. I think you probably need to go back to the UK, smaller house that is manageable financially. Your ex is a waste of space, you need to think about the future you want for you and your kids, he is just going to have to fit in with you. Where would you actually want to live? Maybe it's not where you are now or where you used to be,maybe it's somewhere else? You are stronger than you think,and you can manage without your useless ex or your family who are not really making things easier. Try and carve out a bit of time (on the train maybe!) to really think about how you want your life to look in 5 or 10 years then the steps to get there.

Dad is paying maintenance but he will likely stop when he moved with OW

Just one point..... If he's in the US; they have recropical arrangements with the UK and they don't go light on fathers on not paying CM.

Sell the house.

Look for a job in the U.K.

Preferably somewhere with cheaper housing. Schools in the UK are mostly at least aware of working parents and breakfast and after school clubs exist.

Take ex out of the equation - where do you want to live? Go and do that. Good luck op.

Oh dear, I'm so sorry! It looks like you went back because you didn't believe in yourself... that you can do it all alone! I just want to give you a hug... everytime I think of such a scenario happening to me, I realise that going back to my home country would not be a good idea, mainly due to the school system... I would go back to UK, sell the house and buy a flat in a cheaper area. You can do it, you just need to believe in yourself.

Thank you Mikado1, you described what I feel way better than I could. I am frozen. Too scared of making another mistake and not trusting my judgement any more.
I came here panicking as many thank were my support network in the UK are moving back too and for how difficult it is to build a new network of friends in London especially as a sole parent.

It is a horrible feeling, feeling stuck not knowing what to do. It is definitely a first world problem as we could make it in either places and solo parenting is hard anywhere anyway! My family is doing a lot to help logistically but emotionally it is not what I was hoping for. My mum is an elderly woman who loves her routines and peace and has had her home taken over by me 2 kids and a cat and I am a total pushover, sadly.

I'd like to be as far as possible from ex to be honest. When he suggested for me to return to my country with the kids i thought that was the dream. Not having to coparent or seeing him as often. He is toxic. But kids love him.

Hving help that is unreliable and unhelpful is sometimes worse than having no help at all. It sounds lika you will have a really hard time trying to make things work with your family in Italy. But in the UK you will make new friends, and who knows what kinds of support networks you will create with others you've not even met yet.

Then my advice is that doing more of what you are doing is the wrong choice.

Come back to the UK. Move up north for cheaper housing and more disposable income. We'll look after you.

Edited because I think I misunderstood something I read so just deleted it.