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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To TTC given the circumstances?

33 replies

GeraldineGrang3r · 04/12/2024 22:16

I feel this is definitely a heart over logic matter and I'm really struggling. There are a multitude of reasons logically why we should wait to TTC. We're getting married at the start of May, we have our honeymoon straight after the wedding (European break for a few days) and I've recently started a new job in a different NHS hospital (but would still quality for full mat pay due to continuous service). Logically we should wait until at least the start of May next year.

However, my Dad had a heart attack at the end of last month and I'm really struggling with the fragility of life. He's stable at the moment but does have a diagnosis of heart disease and it's really made me think about how we've no idea how long we've got with people and it makes me want to just crack on with TTC. Neither of our parents are getting any younger, we're not getting any younger either (both mid 30s). DP is pretty open to trying whenever so he'd be happy trying sooner if I wanted to.

Would we BU to start trying before our wedding?

OP posts:
Nogaxeh · 04/12/2024 22:19

If you end up being a couple of month's pregnant at your wedding the main difference will be not drinking.

I don't think that choosing to have children has much to do with logic anyway.

Original poster
GeraldineGrang3r · 04/12/2024 22:20

Nogaxeh · 04/12/2024 22:19

If you end up being a couple of month's pregnant at your wedding the main difference will be not drinking.

I don't think that choosing to have children has much to do with logic anyway.

Edited

Yes fair point about the logic. Tbh I'm not too bothered about the drinking, I'm a take it or leave it kinda person with alcohol.

OP posts:
GourmetLettuceMix · 04/12/2024 22:23

I would wait. It's only a few months. You'll be busy enough with the wedding, and you have no way of knowing how well you will be in pregnancy.

I hope your Dad is OK.

Original poster
GeraldineGrang3r · 04/12/2024 22:30

GourmetLettuceMix · 04/12/2024 22:23

I would wait. It's only a few months. You'll be busy enough with the wedding, and you have no way of knowing how well you will be in pregnancy.

I hope your Dad is OK.

Thanks, I know logically a few months won't make much difference but I just keep worrying about Dad and whether our future DC are actually going to be able to spend much time with him etc and dreading the worst happening as his Dad died of a heart attack before I was even born. I know realistically 5 months in the grand scheme of things isn't a vast amount of time but I can't shake that feeling of just wanting to crack on.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeraldineGrang3r · 05/12/2024 07:50

Has anyone else moved up TTC because of family illness / started trying before their wedding?

OP posts:
ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 05/12/2024 08:24

I would wait. You're spending so much on your wedding and honeymoon, why ruin it with morning sickness which could make you utterly miserable?

BeretInParis · 05/12/2024 10:22

It's waiting 5 months. I think you can do that, weighing up a feeling versus the physical and financial implications of being pregnant at your wedding. I'd say waiting now would make your honeymoon have some extra 'swing' too!

Sorry to hear about your Dad. You must be worried about him.

MaroonyBalloony · 05/12/2024 10:27

I wouldn't wait, like somebody else said logic really doesn't come into it. You also actually have very little control! How mid-thirties are you and how many children do you think you'd like?

We started trying at 35, first child born when we were 36, started trying for second at 37 and it'll be born just before we turn 39. We did wait a bit with the second child due to work pressures/exams we had and I think, in hindsight and how long it took, we shouldn't have done that.

Not trying to add pressure, but once you're pregnant you have 9 months to prepare and make it the 'right time'. Good luck either way!

Hiiteex · 05/12/2024 10:31

I would wait. Hormones are playing tricks on your brain.

GridlockonMain · 05/12/2024 10:37

I don’t think your reasons for wanting to start trying are at all unreasonable. My only caution is you don’t know how you will fare in pregnancy, so you need to be alive to the fact that it could really ruin your enjoyment of your wedding. I was as sick as a dog for the first four months of pregnancy. Couldn’t keep food down, or be in the presence of a lot of hot foods, and was exhausted all the time. Other women have HG which can be genuinely debilitating.

Some women are of course absolutely fine, and you may be one of them! Or you may be happy to take the chance that you’ll need to scale back the wedding if you’re not up to the original plan. But have a think about whether you’ll be ok with that when the time comes.

I’m sorry about your dad - what a worry for you all. I hope he stays well now ❤️

Alina3 · 05/12/2024 11:01

I don't see why you'd wait tbh, if it's just about the wedding. I was heavily pregnant at mine and it was amazing, absolutely gorgeous. I loved having the baby be part of it, it felt extra special feeling him wriggling around in there on such an important day for us as a family.

OMGsamesame · 05/12/2024 11:02

How old are you? Mid 30s 33 or mid 30s 36?

Nina1013 · 05/12/2024 11:25

I had hyperemesis with my second. I couldn’t have got through a wedding, no chance at all.

Even standard morning sickness could
make the day pretty awful.

I definitely wouldn’t actively plan to get married while pregnant.

Original poster
GeraldineGrang3r · 05/12/2024 15:04

Thank you all, it's really helpful to see people's responses and I appreciate it's not always a straightforward decision. For those asking how mid 30s we are, I'm 34 and DP is 36.

The two logical reasons for waiting are 1) the wedding / honeymoon and obviously the possibility (or more realistically the likelihood) of morning sickness if I do get pregnant quickly and 2) because of the new job and possibly unfounded concerns about worrying about letting the team down if I did need to leave less than a year after joining. But obviously then it's also the emotional side and part of me worries that he's had 1 heart attack, who's to say he won't have another one and he will even be here for the birth if we delay 😔

OP posts:
TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 05/12/2024 15:14

I would wait, not because of the wedding, but because you're being pushed to it by the situation with your dad.

I did my first attempt to TTC just after if gone on long term stress leave and it was a bloody awful decision to try. Not in the right headspace at all to be making long-term decisions. If you got pregnant right away it could play badly with your mental health, which can be tricky to get yourself out of in pregnancy.

I'd at the very least give it another couple of weeks to get your head out of the immediate shock.

Cakeandusername · 05/12/2024 15:26

I’d wait it sounds like got a lot on at minute and shame to potentially affect your wedding and honeymoon. May will be here before know it.

Birch101 · 05/12/2024 15:32

I really feel for you my dad died of cancer 1 month after my little one turned 1, we lived with them for the first year of her life but I'm still angry that that is all we got time wise.

I would say as long as your finances work as in getting the enhanced mat leave then Crack on you never know how long it will take.

SomethingDifferentBloomed · 05/12/2024 15:45

I'm going to disagree with the majority here and say that in your mid thirties, if you are emotionally and financially ready, it seems mad to delay TTC over a wedding. You might fall pregnant easily, but it could take a while or you might need fertility treatment to fall pregnant. You've no way of knowing until you try.

mitogoshigg · 05/12/2024 15:51

I would wait because whilst most women are ok, some are horrendously ill during pregnancy to the point where you would struggle to get through a wedding let alone a honeymoon.

Just be ready to conceive straight after.

MinPinSins · 05/12/2024 15:59

SomethingDifferentBloomed · 05/12/2024 15:45

I'm going to disagree with the majority here and say that in your mid thirties, if you are emotionally and financially ready, it seems mad to delay TTC over a wedding. You might fall pregnant easily, but it could take a while or you might need fertility treatment to fall pregnant. You've no way of knowing until you try.

This - I wouldn't wait. Nothing about fertility is guaranteed, and whilst you are far from old in fertility terms, you aren't young either. If you're in a position to raise a child, skipping 5 cycles for your wedding seems silly to me.

If your journey goes well, the downside is you won't be able to drink. If it doesn't go we, you'll be so glad you started earlier.

Marlena1 · 05/12/2024 16:11

I personally would get going. I was similar age and did that (even though we had lots of reasons to hold off for a few months)

Nc546888 · 05/12/2024 16:14

I wish we’d got married before we got pregnant but Covid.

also I’ve felt like I’ve been hit by a truck in the first trimester of all my pregnancies so unless you are in second trimester there’s a chance you will just endure your own wedding and not enjoy it

Dumptytree · 05/12/2024 16:17

I'd use the time to be putting yourself in the best position to ttc so youre still working towards that goal and setting yourself and baby up for the best possible pregnancy experience.

With my first we had some reasons we had to wait but it was all I could think about. Channelled that into eating right, exercises, particularly core, Pilates, yoga etc and doing a pre baby bucket list. Just sushi, cheeses etc. Also tracking ovulation so I understood my cycles better. It made me feel I was working towards the baby, and still on that journey even though we weren't trying. A healthy lifestyle improves ttc chances and sets you up for a better pregnancy

Esdale · 05/12/2024 16:46

It's a very personal decision, I started trying at 34, and will hopefully have a newborn just before I turn 37. I have no trouble getting pregnant, I actually got pregnant the first month of trying, but have had losses and complications. Personally, for this reason, I wouldn't try to conceive immediately before my wedding because I would be too fearful of having another loss. We therefore haven't even planned a wedding, and won't do until baby is here.

The morning sickness is another potential good reason to delay. Every pregnancy is different, I had horrendous morning sickness with my first pregnancy, which ended in a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks, but have sailed through my current pregnancy so far with no morning sickness whatsoever.

Sorry to be all doom and gloom, when I was 34 I wouldn't have thought like this at all, but that was before I'd even been pregnant or experienced any losses.

Ideally you should be taking folic acid for three months before trying, so if you're not doing that then I would definitely start. Plus some vitamin D. My partner also took some male fertility vitamins by procieve.

TaxDirector · 05/12/2024 16:48

At mid thirties you really don't want to be putting off having children.

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