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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you count this as a present?

40 replies

ellie09 · 04/12/2024 18:27

My fiance told me he was treating himself to a new TV (we dont live together yet but we will in the summer)

My TV is effectively on its way out, so I planned to get myself a new one eventually, but with Christmas etc, this has been put on hold.

Anyhow, he said he is bringing his old TV up (which is in good enough condition) and he told me he is classing it as part of my Christmas present.

However, I didnt exactly ask for it, and I was planning to get a new one in January.

AIBU to think this is a bit naff to pawn off as a Christmas gift?

OP posts:
SleepToad · 04/12/2024 18:30

Yep. A second hand tv. Naturally if he's on the bones of his backside financially, I'd be more understanding. But otherwise...

It's like my birthday is a week before Christmas "I'll give you a combined birthday and Christmas present" no you will give me one of each like I do you.

sesquipedalian · 04/12/2024 18:30

If he’s getting a new telly and doesn’t need the old one, he should simply be giving it to you because he no longer needs it and you do.

ThisIsSockward · 04/12/2024 18:30

That's the kind of thing I'd do for someone I like just because. I wouldn't expect it to be considered part of a Christmas gift, but just a bonus.

Moveoverdarlin · 04/12/2024 18:32

Yep. Say…’Don’t give me your old one as a present thanks, I’d rather have an actual present. If I wanted a second hand telly that badly I’d buy one on market place for £20. Cheers for the offer though.’

Original poster
ellie09 · 04/12/2024 18:38

It seems a bit bizarre to even say its part of a present, when he is moving into mine in July, and the plan is to move his new TV into the living room and his current old one will be placed in our bedroom. So I get around 7 months sole use from it until he gets benefit also.

As far as I am aware, he isnt struggling financially, as he puts away £300 pm into joint savings and additional £500 into his own savings.

I earn about £5k less than him a year, yet I seem to be able to buy far more Christmas gifts, e.g. I have a DS (not fiances child) and pay solely on my own for his gifts and still save a decent amount.

He said he was buying my DS a helmet for his bike for Christmas as his contribution.

OP posts:
RickiRaccoon · 04/12/2024 18:38

Definitely naff. Don't let him get away with that lack of generosity. I'd laugh and say, "Don't try and give me your old stuff as a present!" Then say you need to get rid of X and ask if he wants it as part of his Christmas present.

FinallyHere · 04/12/2024 18:41

In my family, and for me, this would definitely earn him brownie points, because it's something genuinely required which ensures less waste all round. We are comfortably off so could buy anything we wanted and don't tend to do presents, but are very very happy with cast offs which provide a good home for something that would otherwise be scrapped.

For DH's family, who are not quite so comfortable but doing ok, it would genuinely be considered, well, let's say grounds for divorce if not justifiable homicide.

We have got used to each others different ways but still have to remind ourselves and each other, oh I don't suppose this would work for you, would it... in the run up to any present giving occasion.

We are still married, for over three decades and it probably is the biggest bone of contention we have ever had. We dealt with it by initially being a bit upset then eventually being able to have a full and frank discussion about ' I get that you like show-y presents but I really really don't' and each adjusting the presents we give each other, rather than what we receive.

It can be done, that adjustment, if you think the rest of the relationship is worth saving.

Only you can know whether it's a charming (sic) eccentricity or just one of a number of straws in the wind suggesting basic irredeemable incompatibility. Hope you find out sooner rather than later.

ManhattanPopcorn · 04/12/2024 18:41

Don't move in with him. This is just the start of it.

Brefugee · 04/12/2024 18:42

well, i would put him moving in on indefinite hold and tell him you don't want his junk and he can dispose of it properly.

Seriously; don't have him moving in with you

Vaxtable · 04/12/2024 18:44

Tell him that’s not on, it’s a second hand tv, if he thinks it’s worth some money he can sell it then

carry on and buy your own, and think very carefully about moving in with him,

Original poster
ellie09 · 04/12/2024 18:50

I must stress that I dont expect much either, but brought up that if you can afford it, something new is the norm for Christmas

I havent spent loads on him, but he has new oodie, aftershave, signed photo framed, some smellies and chocolate for his gift this year.

Ive already told him I would just be happy with some Primarks pjs and some new slippers

OP posts:
StressyMcStressFace · 04/12/2024 18:57

Go and buy yourself something nice and new and give him your old crap version for Christmas and see how he likes it 😊

mamajong · 04/12/2024 19:05

If he was planning on selling and you wanted it i think it would be fine, but equally I think its OK to say no thank you, you'd rather choose your own one in the January sales so he is welcome to sell it/pass it onto someone else

itsmylife7 · 04/12/2024 19:11

ellie09 · 04/12/2024 18:50

I must stress that I dont expect much either, but brought up that if you can afford it, something new is the norm for Christmas

I havent spent loads on him, but he has new oodie, aftershave, signed photo framed, some smellies and chocolate for his gift this year.

Ive already told him I would just be happy with some Primarks pjs and some new slippers

Start as you mean to go on or you'll be back hear moaning next year.

Why are you happy with "lower priced " items ?
Aren't you worth more?

MindfulAndDemure · 04/12/2024 19:11

FinallyHere · 04/12/2024 18:41

In my family, and for me, this would definitely earn him brownie points, because it's something genuinely required which ensures less waste all round. We are comfortably off so could buy anything we wanted and don't tend to do presents, but are very very happy with cast offs which provide a good home for something that would otherwise be scrapped.

For DH's family, who are not quite so comfortable but doing ok, it would genuinely be considered, well, let's say grounds for divorce if not justifiable homicide.

We have got used to each others different ways but still have to remind ourselves and each other, oh I don't suppose this would work for you, would it... in the run up to any present giving occasion.

We are still married, for over three decades and it probably is the biggest bone of contention we have ever had. We dealt with it by initially being a bit upset then eventually being able to have a full and frank discussion about ' I get that you like show-y presents but I really really don't' and each adjusting the presents we give each other, rather than what we receive.

It can be done, that adjustment, if you think the rest of the relationship is worth saving.

Only you can know whether it's a charming (sic) eccentricity or just one of a number of straws in the wind suggesting basic irredeemable incompatibility. Hope you find out sooner rather than later.

Oh definitely, only the poors want new things as gifts. Gross 🙄

NINP · 04/12/2024 19:12

Do you actually want to marry him?

Merrygoround8 · 04/12/2024 19:13

ellie09 · 04/12/2024 18:38

It seems a bit bizarre to even say its part of a present, when he is moving into mine in July, and the plan is to move his new TV into the living room and his current old one will be placed in our bedroom. So I get around 7 months sole use from it until he gets benefit also.

As far as I am aware, he isnt struggling financially, as he puts away £300 pm into joint savings and additional £500 into his own savings.

I earn about £5k less than him a year, yet I seem to be able to buy far more Christmas gifts, e.g. I have a DS (not fiances child) and pay solely on my own for his gifts and still save a decent amount.

He said he was buying my DS a helmet for his bike for Christmas as his contribution.

He is tight and uncaring - don’t move in, it wont get better

Kitkatcatflap · 04/12/2024 19:13

ManhattanPopcorn · 04/12/2024 18:41

Don't move in with him. This is just the start of it.

So you get his old TV as Christmas present and he is planning to buy your son a helmet as 'his contribution'. Please see this as a red flag.

Make sure you have a Frank talk about joint finances. Mumsnet is littered with men who move in with mothers and think it's okay to throw 50 quid a week into the pot and think they are a superhero.

arcticpandas · 04/12/2024 19:48

Who even says something like that? Really really weird. When you make him a meal next time tell him it's part of his christmas gift🤬

FriendsDrinkBook · 04/12/2024 19:52

I think buying the helmet is fine. It's nice that he's choosing to contribute to your child's gift.

The TV thing seems a little tight though. Is there any chance he was joking?

WonderingWanda · 04/12/2024 19:59

Tell him you don't want it and you were looking forward to chosing a new one in the sales. He's obviously overspent on his new one and is now feeling like it will be more justified if he gives you his old one and calls it a gift.

BettyBardMacDonald · 04/12/2024 20:06

ManhattanPopcorn · 04/12/2024 18:41

Don't move in with him. This is just the start of it.

Exactly this. And don't force a child to live with a strange man.

stargazerlil · 04/12/2024 21:05

Yeah but it’s only part of your present. Maybe the other part is a diamond ring

Fuzzyandwarm · 04/12/2024 21:08

ellie09 · 04/12/2024 18:50

I must stress that I dont expect much either, but brought up that if you can afford it, something new is the norm for Christmas

I havent spent loads on him, but he has new oodie, aftershave, signed photo framed, some smellies and chocolate for his gift this year.

Ive already told him I would just be happy with some Primarks pjs and some new slippers

I'd just be straight with him and say no thanks, I'm buying myself a new on in January.

Dollybantree · 04/12/2024 21:11

I would laugh and say "hahahaa good joke love"! Because surely he's joking?