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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How many times out of the house is acceptable

29 replies

RFinley · 04/12/2024 18:03

I had a massive row with my husband over leaving the house. So I WFH mon-fri full time and kids are both in school/nursery mon-fri. H works for himself and out of the house so does most drop off/pick up and will have free time for himself in the week while kids are at school. H usually chooses to work weekends rather than in the mid week so I often have kids alone at the weekend in the day. Recently got a gym membership and went x2 last week, once midday eve and once weekend eve. Mentioned to him about going to the gym this week one eve and then seeing a friend I haven't seen for a while the next day in the evening and he told me not to 'expect to do this all time', which ensued a huge row with him shouting that I am inconsiderate of him and me shouting asking how going out of the house for 2-3 hours max 2 evenings in one week was 'leaving him all the time' as he claimed. He basically told me I had a choice to make to either go to the gym or see a friend and it was not ok to do both and when I called him out on how ridiculous it was because it was only 2x he said he was allowed to make it clear to me not to expect it every night (which to clarify I have NEVER gone out 7 nights in one week or anything close to that ). For context I do not see friends all the time but as I WFH I do feel like I need to see friends maybe 2/3 times a month max for a few hours and this will be things like taking our kids to the park, going to the garden centre, a walk or the occasional drink in a pub without kids (so I am not going out clubbing or leaving the kids with him every time I see a friend). Am I being unreasonable for shouting at him and telling him I feel like he is trying to control me. I'm having thoughts of divorce which I feel really terrible about because of the kids and I know the relationship isn't really bad but I just find it difficult to live completely by someone else's rules and feel like I have no time for myself and my whole life is expected to be work and kids. I would not have an issue if he went to see a friend or went to the gym but he juet has no interest in it.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 04/12/2024 18:06

I think you should both have the same amount of free time as each other. If he chooses to spend his indoors then fair enough. You just make sure he is not on call for sick children. So say you go out Tuesday and Friday. He had Monday and Saturday as kid free evenings. The other nights you are both on duty, if that makes sense.n

Petitchat · 04/12/2024 18:10

RFinley · 04/12/2024 18:03

I had a massive row with my husband over leaving the house. So I WFH mon-fri full time and kids are both in school/nursery mon-fri. H works for himself and out of the house so does most drop off/pick up and will have free time for himself in the week while kids are at school. H usually chooses to work weekends rather than in the mid week so I often have kids alone at the weekend in the day. Recently got a gym membership and went x2 last week, once midday eve and once weekend eve. Mentioned to him about going to the gym this week one eve and then seeing a friend I haven't seen for a while the next day in the evening and he told me not to 'expect to do this all time', which ensued a huge row with him shouting that I am inconsiderate of him and me shouting asking how going out of the house for 2-3 hours max 2 evenings in one week was 'leaving him all the time' as he claimed. He basically told me I had a choice to make to either go to the gym or see a friend and it was not ok to do both and when I called him out on how ridiculous it was because it was only 2x he said he was allowed to make it clear to me not to expect it every night (which to clarify I have NEVER gone out 7 nights in one week or anything close to that ). For context I do not see friends all the time but as I WFH I do feel like I need to see friends maybe 2/3 times a month max for a few hours and this will be things like taking our kids to the park, going to the garden centre, a walk or the occasional drink in a pub without kids (so I am not going out clubbing or leaving the kids with him every time I see a friend). Am I being unreasonable for shouting at him and telling him I feel like he is trying to control me. I'm having thoughts of divorce which I feel really terrible about because of the kids and I know the relationship isn't really bad but I just find it difficult to live completely by someone else's rules and feel like I have no time for myself and my whole life is expected to be work and kids. I would not have an issue if he went to see a friend or went to the gym but he juet has no interest in it.

Not to expect to do this all the time
that would wind me up too.

What about DH working in the week instead of weekends?
Then you could spend some time together and also take it in turns for childcare.

Original poster
RFinley · 04/12/2024 18:12

@Doggymummar if the kids are sick off school I will look after them in the day whilst also WFH.

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 04/12/2024 18:13

Well say the same thing to him when he expects you to look after The kids on weekends so he can have free time during the week.

but also - are you the one who actually looks adter
the kids when your both him??

Petitchat · 04/12/2024 18:24

Do you ever spend any weekend time together or family time with the kids?
And don't you mind this?

Original poster
RFinley · 04/12/2024 18:25

@Petitchat he prefers to work at the weekend because he is able to do a full day of work rather than one broken by school runs which is fair enough

OP posts:
Petitchat · 04/12/2024 18:26

RFinley · 04/12/2024 18:25

@Petitchat he prefers to work at the weekend because he is able to do a full day of work rather than one broken by school runs which is fair enough

Oh, I get it.

Original poster
RFinley · 04/12/2024 18:27

@Petitchat if he doesn't have any work on the weekend then we will spend the day together but it is not often. I also do not go to the gym or do something every weekend evening so we do watch a movie or something after kids are asleep

OP posts:
Cakeandcardio · 04/12/2024 18:32

RFinley · 04/12/2024 18:25

@Petitchat he prefers to work at the weekend because he is able to do a full day of work rather than one broken by school runs which is fair enough

See I don't think that is fair enough. I just think he's done a number on you. He has flexibility in his work. I think he likes working at the weekend as he doesn't have to help with the kids AND he gets free time during the week. What a guy! 🙄

Original poster
RFinley · 04/12/2024 18:33

@2024onwardsandup if we are both home then I might take kids to their clubs in the morning so he can have a lie in /do whatever and then we would both be in the house with kids doing cleaning etc and house admin and then I would for example try to go to the gym that evening

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 04/12/2024 18:37

I think as long as you have the same amount of free time it’s fine, but we always try to avoid having 2 nights in a row because I do think that feels much harder than having say a Monday and then a Wednesday night, breaking it up means that you get your night, then he can have some down time on the evening the following night or even just share the load before he then does the next night.

Blanca87 · 04/12/2024 18:37

What @Cakeandcardio said. 👏

flyinghen · 04/12/2024 18:43

Blanca87 · 04/12/2024 18:37

What @Cakeandcardio said. 👏

100% agree, that's not fair enough at all. What a load of shite. He just doesn't want I parent on a weekend and likes his lone time in the week.

redskydarknight · 04/12/2024 18:44

So on weekdays ... he take the children to school and picks them up?
Does he also look after them after school? Do any housework/jobs during the day?

Stirrednshaken · 04/12/2024 18:45

What does he do for work? Is it something that is a pain to work around with a school run like baking? Or just office stuff where it doesn't matter?

Original poster
RFinley · 04/12/2024 18:53

@redskydarknight his mother in law does pick up and drop off on Monday and Tuesday and we usually both go together in the evening to pick them up from hers and put them to bed. Wed-Fri he usually picks up and drops off but on a Fri I do pick up and take kids to a club after school. Weekends I usually take kids to club Saturday morning and have them alone or with friends if he is working. When kids are home from school its about 4 pm and I finish at 5 so he will have them alone for maximum an hour

OP posts:
Original poster
RFinley · 04/12/2024 18:55

@Stirrednshaken he works in a trade so it is not impossible to work half days around pick up but he prefers working full days at the weekend 7 am-6pm

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 04/12/2024 19:01

So why can you look after them alone on weekends and he can’t on weekends

hes manipulating you OP

BananaSpanner · 04/12/2024 19:01

So he works 22 hours a week, you work full time and look after the kids at the weekend and he begrudges you two evenings out a week?
Im not sure it’s about control as I suspect he wouldn’t care so much if it wasn’t for the kids. I think he’s just a selfish bastard.

NewName24 · 04/12/2024 19:34

Cakeandcardio · 04/12/2024 18:32

See I don't think that is fair enough. I just think he's done a number on you. He has flexibility in his work. I think he likes working at the weekend as he doesn't have to help with the kids AND he gets free time during the week. What a guy! 🙄

Show quote history

This

HideousKinky · 04/12/2024 19:35

Cakeandcardio · 04/12/2024 18:32

See I don't think that is fair enough. I just think he's done a number on you. He has flexibility in his work. I think he likes working at the weekend as he doesn't have to help with the kids AND he gets free time during the week. What a guy! 🙄

Show quote history

I thought exactly the same thing when I read this

Cosyblankets · 04/12/2024 19:40

Who gets them up and ready for school

Gamerlady · 04/12/2024 19:42

He doesn't get to call the shots, you should both have equal time . You say you're going to the gym and meet a friend and that's that. He has no right to tell you no.

Original poster
RFinley · 04/12/2024 19:46

@Cosyblankets
Monday / Tues - h gets up at 6am-7am with kids and goes to work at 7am, I take over at 7am and MIL picks up at 8.30 am

Wed-Thurs - same as above with wakeup times but both of us get kids ready until 8.30 and he drives them to school.

Fri - he leaves at 7 if he has work and I do get ready and school.

So basically he swaps out Wed-Thurs work for Saturday/ Sunday sometimes.

OP posts:
Thatcastlethere · 04/12/2024 19:50

So he basically gets two weekdays within school hours, where he's not working and doesn't have the kids, as free time to do what he wants with... yet you work all week then have the kids at the weekend whilst he works..
And apparently you taking a couple of hours two evenings a week is too much?

He's a twat.