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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable with the way DS and his GF speak to each other

37 replies

Jusoema · 04/12/2024 15:50

DS is 26, his GF is 24. They've been together about 18 months, they are both accomplished, DS works in finance his GF is a solicitor.
This week I'm staying with DS, he lives in a house share but it has a tiny room with a single bed that they use as a spare room. His GF has been around a lot and I I've never noticed it before but they are so cruel in the way they talk to each other. 'Jokingly' calling each other "whore" "cunt" "bastard", plus saying things like Fuck Off or joking about being disloyal.
I know it's their relationship and they are free to do what they wish and they do also call each other sweet pet names like baby and babe and always seem to be saying to the other "I love you" "you're so beautiful".
But AIBU to find it quite discomforting being around a couple who use this language towards each other?

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 04/12/2024 15:54

Bit odd to do it in front of you!

Maddy70 · 04/12/2024 15:55

Nothing to do with you they are happy with them as terms of endearment. Even if you aren't

toomuchfaff · 04/12/2024 15:56

My DS and GF are the same, but their relationship is IMO a toxic hamsterball.

YANBU to find it discomforting. If I had my time over and was able to go back to the beginning of their relationship I'd speak up about how If it were me I would be hurt by how they speak to each other. When I speak up now, I'm told I'm too sensitive and its just joking about (typical narc behaviour).

Dotjones · 04/12/2024 15:57

It's not the words themselves that matters, it's the meaning and intent in how they are used. Calling a friend or loved one a cunt in a friendly/jokey manner isn't that uncommon. I'm not sure I'd like it myself but I think some people see it as a way of showing that their love is beyond normal understanding, that their love is greater than any traditional meaning of language.

stayathomer · 04/12/2024 15:59

I hate that, my friends used to call each other ‘bitch’. I curse myself but calling other people stuff like that just doesn’t sit right

TeaInBed321 · 04/12/2024 16:00

FrenchandSaunders · 04/12/2024 15:54

Bit odd to do it in front of you!

That's my feeling.

Original poster
Jusoema · 04/12/2024 16:01

toomuchfaff · 04/12/2024 15:56

My DS and GF are the same, but their relationship is IMO a toxic hamsterball.

YANBU to find it discomforting. If I had my time over and was able to go back to the beginning of their relationship I'd speak up about how If it were me I would be hurt by how they speak to each other. When I speak up now, I'm told I'm too sensitive and its just joking about (typical narc behaviour).

It's very odd. I don't think they are toxic it's just the language?
They otherwise seem happy and balanced, though in my opinion they spend a hell of a lot of time together.
Anyway DS never did this with his ex ... but he cheated on her so I guess I'd be more concerned if this relationship looked exactly like his last!

OP posts:
IglesiasPiggl · 04/12/2024 16:02

It's a bit off in my opinion. Yes, it's their relationship etc etc but I would be a bit disturbed if my DC did this.

MaltipooMama · 04/12/2024 16:05

I personally would hate to be in a relationship where this sort of language was thrown about, jokingly or otherwise but if that's their dynamic it's up to them, I just find it so weird that they would talk to each other like that in front of you! I think that's massively disrespectful, I wouldn't use any of those words in front of my dad (and certainly not my partner's parents!) and I'm 38!

TheShellBeach · 04/12/2024 16:05

I think if it's done in jest, it doesn't matter.
If they're happy with each other, you don't need to worry.

toomuchfaff · 04/12/2024 16:14

Jusoema · 04/12/2024 16:01

It's very odd. I don't think they are toxic it's just the language?
They otherwise seem happy and balanced, though in my opinion they spend a hell of a lot of time together.
Anyway DS never did this with his ex ... but he cheated on her so I guess I'd be more concerned if this relationship looked exactly like his last!

Show quote history

Well if its just the language, its probably fine.As mentioned above, if they have defined known boundaries they stick too. It's a bit weird to me that they do not consider what company they are in; ie no thought for your feelings and tone it down a bit. Maybe I'd let them know I felt a bit perturbed, would they be the same in front of an elderly aunt or someone old school who doesn't like swearing? Time and a place type thing.

My DS situation is very different, they constantly argue, at least once a week - about everything and nothing, scream at each other, speak to each other horribly, when they do eventually break up, realise they "love " each other and can't let the last few years mean nothing... its a toxic hamsterball.

despairnow · 04/12/2024 16:16

It's weird
Also strange to swear so much in front of you!!

PassingStranger · 04/12/2024 16:17

What's older is they have no respect for you using it while your around.

Annabella92 · 04/12/2024 16:17

Maddy70 · 04/12/2024 15:55

Nothing to do with you they are happy with them as terms of endearment. Even if you aren't

They probably want to keep it private though?

Original poster
Jusoema · 04/12/2024 16:17

despairnow · 04/12/2024 16:16

It's weird
Also strange to swear so much in front of you!!

I don't mind the swearing on its own. It's the name calling directed at each other.
I also swear in front of them!

OP posts:
Annabella92 · 04/12/2024 16:17

Or rather they should.

despairnow · 04/12/2024 16:28

I mean it doesn't sound very nice.
Why not ask your ds about it.

tolerable · 04/12/2024 16:28

How the speak to each other-is on them.
I'm swearing tolerant-cos guilty of it. -thankfully my boys do it-but never directly at me(seems to be a unwritten rule). Given they are both grown adults,in proffessional careers i think its pretty disresppectful to you to do this when your around.
Doubt id have fell at first hurdle-as is a continued practice-id go with "its lovely to see how well you two get on and your dynamic as a couple blossoming.however id prefer if you cut the foul mouthed jokey insults n banter cos its really unpleasant to be around.please.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 04/12/2024 16:32

I wouldn't like it at all. Language like that starts out as jokes but pretty soon become the go to in rows which only escalates things.

housemaus · 04/12/2024 16:33

YANBU to not like it as that's your prerogative, but it seems like they're perfectly happy? I don't think it's really appropriate given their age and the fact you're staying with him as a guest to try and either give relationship advice (when none has been sought and they seem happy) or to ask them to change how they speak to each other, if swearing in itself isn't a problem for you and he knows that.

despairnow · 04/12/2024 16:41

Doesn't sound like you approve of her or like her !

despairnow · 04/12/2024 16:42

Sorry wrong thread OP

ViciousCurrentBun · 04/12/2024 16:43

DH and I have a sweary relationship but agree it’s the meaning, I do love an olde English or obscure insult. We are in a house with lots of wordplay and it’s a game sometimes.

I always consider who is around as does he, when MIL is here for Christmas I’m like a Nun at evensong.

Changeyourfuckingcar · 04/12/2024 16:44

I’m another who finds it utterly bizarre that they speak to each other that way in front of you. Swearing, I don’t really care about, but this is a bit above and beyond that!
Wrt to the general name calling otherwise, my first thought was ‘how fucking weird’ but actually I’ve definitely called my husband a cunt before as a joke, and he has back, but we absolutely adore each other and would never speak to each other that way in anger. It’s a weird one.

Terrribletwos · 04/12/2024 16:51

@Jusoema They flip back and fore between pet sweet names and calling each other vile names. It all sounds completely odd and disturbing. Not much you can do about it tho, just be there for the inevitable breakup, I suppose, because their relationship sounds very strange.