I (40f) and DH (41) have been married 2 1/2 years. We have a 14 month old DS, and I’m 14 weeks pregnant with DC2. I was due to return to work after the end of my maternity leave, but my job “is no longer available” and as it’s my extended families business so I can’t really do anything about it (ACAS route etc) I’ve made an application to see if we’re eligible for any universal credit, and jobs for pregnant women are few and far between. DH farms on his parents farm, but it’s basically not profitable and all money goes towards keeping their farm afloat- we relied on my wages to pay our bills etc so things are incredibly tight at the moment. I did have some savings but have had to replace the boiler and repair the chimney so now I have nothing saved. We had two vehicles, my car and husbands pickup. My car has broken down, and the repairs would cost more than the car value, so we’ve been relying solely on my husbands pickup which had been extremely difficult as we live in the middle of nowhere, he needs it every day so I’ve been stuck at home for weeks and weeks on end.
I had a scheduled scan, babies are not allowed to come in, so DH stayed at home with DS and I used his pickup to go to the hospital which is an hour away. Before leaving I asked him are you going to stay home, and he said no I’ll take DS to his parents farm, 10 mins away- he was going to ask his father to come and collect him. Before leaving I reminded him he would need the spare car seat which was at his parents house, so he would need to tell his father to bring it with him. His response was of course, dont be so patronising, I’d never take him in the car without one. I felt guilty on the way to the hospital for telling him to remember the car seat as he was clearly offended.
After being at the hospital I go to in-laws house to collect DS, thank them etc etc, DH takes me and DS home in his pickup then goes back to work with it. All fine with no issues (or so I thought)
Fast forward 3 days, and one of our cats is missing, which is very unusual for her. We had an oil delivery so I was worried she’d gone under the lorry, so I check our outside CCTV. I’m sure you all know where this is going. The day of the oil delivery was the day of my scan and the day fil collected DH and DS from our home. CCTV clearly shows DH getting into fil’s pickup and placing DS on his lap, and off they go. It’s around a 10 minute drive to in-laws home,on single track twisty country lanes.Lots of tractors, milk lorry’s, camper vans etc. DH and I comment daily about near misses we’ve had/seen and how stupidly fast some of the tractors go, so he’s fully aware of the dangers. Also, fil has a lot of mini strokes/ funny turns so would not be particularly safe anyway (he doesn’t drive anywhere other than around home- won’t go on main B or A roads etc)
I confronted DH, and as expected he downplayed, gaslit and blamed me. His initial reaction was “I’d never let anything happen to him, he’s perfectly safe with me, it wasn’t far, did you never go without car seat when you were younger etc.” Then it was fil’s fault for not bringing car seat, then it wasn’t his fault he didn’t have his own vehicle (implying it was mine for taking his pickup to the scan) He sulked to bed, and this morning we haven’t spoken. How do I navigate this? I’m furious he would risk our sons life- it doesn’t matter the distance, most accidents happen within 10 miles of home, and if his father had come without the car seat he should have refused to go with him. He has a history of telling me what he thinks I want to hear just to placate me, but I always know deep down when he’s doing it. If I challenge him he’ll always dismiss me like I’m being unreasonable, like he did that morning when I reminded him to use the car seat.
I’m conscious of the fact I’m pregnant and probably hormonal, but at the same time feel like this is a game changer? Our relationship whilst really good at times, is under a lot of strain at times from his toxic, emeshed family dynamic. They have always treated me as an outsider, but he won’t hear a word against them. When we announced both pregnancies you could hear a pin drop, no congrats, nothing. When I returned after the scan to collect DS not a single one of them asked how did it go, baby ok etc? They adore DS, but treat me as the surrogate and resent my presence. I have to constantly fight to establish boundaries. MIL frequently comments negatively about DS being a mummy’s boy, how he doesn’t want to know her when I’m around, she’s not good enough if I’m there etc etc. (She’s only seen him without me when I’ve had baby scans/midwife appointments and DH takes DS there once I’ve left home) I never respond, but if I mention it to DH he says I’m making an issue. The funny thing is we’ve had disagreements about these potential situations in the past. When talking about the future he’s mentioned mil or sil could collect DS from the school bus stop as they do with sil’s children, and I’ve said absolutely not- neither mil or sil make the children wear seatbelts, they use quad bikes to heard sheep with no helmets etc etc. I’ve made it clear their safety standards and mine are different but he’s always responded he’d make sure DS was safe and I shouldn’t judge his family, they’re never good enough for me etc. I feel this has just proven my point and I can’t even trust DH with DS let alone in-laws.
How do I navigate this? I’ve posted before about his toxic family dynamic and received really good advice, but this time it’s not just affecting me, it’s DS safety. He cant/wont stand up to his parents or sibling, and rather than upset his father and refuse to get in the vehicle he chose to put our son in danger. What am I supposed to do in this situation?
We’ve talked often about moving away, but he’s always said not whilst his parents are around. The house was built by me before we met with inheritance I received, so we have no mortgage. The only thing keeping me here is DH. I’m low contact with my mum, no contact with father (siblings and I were removed for a time by social services as children due to abuse from him) and my best friends live 4 hours away. I have a good relationship with my sibling but he has his own young family to keep him busy. I feel like I’m already doing everything alone so I’m not daunted by the thought of starting fresh somewhere new, but I know that’s an extreme reaction and probably hormones. Even if DH promises to never do it again in all honestly I don’t believe him- it comes back to telling me what he thinks I want to hear just to placate me. I’m at a complete loss.