WWYD? Husband took baby without car seat.

[Helpinghand1234]

I (40f) and DH (41) have been married 2 1/2 years. We have a 14 month old DS, and I’m 14 weeks pregnant with DC2. I was due to return to work after the end of my maternity leave, but my job “is no longer available” and as it’s my extended families business so I can’t really do anything about it (ACAS route etc) I’ve made an application to see if we’re eligible for any universal credit, and jobs for pregnant women are few and far between. DH farms on his parents farm, but it’s basically not profitable and all money goes towards keeping their farm afloat- we relied on my wages to pay our bills etc so things are incredibly tight at the moment. I did have some savings but have had to replace the boiler and repair the chimney so now I have nothing saved. We had two vehicles, my car and husbands pickup. My car has broken down, and the repairs would cost more than the car value, so we’ve been relying solely on my husbands pickup which had been extremely difficult as we live in the middle of nowhere, he needs it every day so I’ve been stuck at home for weeks and weeks on end.

I had a scheduled scan, babies are not allowed to come in, so DH stayed at home with DS and I used his pickup to go to the hospital which is an hour away. Before leaving I asked him are you going to stay home, and he said no I’ll take DS to his parents farm, 10 mins away- he was going to ask his father to come and collect him. Before leaving I reminded him he would need the spare car seat which was at his parents house, so he would need to tell his father to bring it with him. His response was of course, dont be so patronising, I’d never take him in the car without one. I felt guilty on the way to the hospital for telling him to remember the car seat as he was clearly offended.

After being at the hospital I go to in-laws house to collect DS, thank them etc etc, DH takes me and DS home in his pickup then goes back to work with it. All fine with no issues (or so I thought)

Fast forward 3 days, and one of our cats is missing, which is very unusual for her. We had an oil delivery so I was worried she’d gone under the lorry, so I check our outside CCTV. I’m sure you all know where this is going. The day of the oil delivery was the day of my scan and the day fil collected DH and DS from our home. CCTV clearly shows DH getting into fil’s pickup and placing DS on his lap, and off they go. It’s around a 10 minute drive to in-laws home,on single track twisty country lanes.Lots of tractors, milk lorry’s, camper vans etc. DH and I comment daily about near misses we’ve had/seen and how stupidly fast some of the tractors go, so he’s fully aware of the dangers. Also, fil has a lot of mini strokes/ funny turns so would not be particularly safe anyway (he doesn’t drive anywhere other than around home- won’t go on main B or A roads etc)

I confronted DH, and as expected he downplayed, gaslit and blamed me. His initial reaction was “I’d never let anything happen to him, he’s perfectly safe with me, it wasn’t far, did you never go without car seat when you were younger etc.” Then it was fil’s fault for not bringing car seat, then it wasn’t his fault he didn’t have his own vehicle (implying it was mine for taking his pickup to the scan) He sulked to bed, and this morning we haven’t spoken. How do I navigate this? I’m furious he would risk our sons life- it doesn’t matter the distance, most accidents happen within 10 miles of home, and if his father had come without the car seat he should have refused to go with him. He has a history of telling me what he thinks I want to hear just to placate me, but I always know deep down when he’s doing it. If I challenge him he’ll always dismiss me like I’m being unreasonable, like he did that morning when I reminded him to use the car seat.

I’m conscious of the fact I’m pregnant and probably hormonal, but at the same time feel like this is a game changer? Our relationship whilst really good at times, is under a lot of strain at times from his toxic, emeshed family dynamic. They have always treated me as an outsider, but he won’t hear a word against them. When we announced both pregnancies you could hear a pin drop, no congrats, nothing. When I returned after the scan to collect DS not a single one of them asked how did it go, baby ok etc? They adore DS, but treat me as the surrogate and resent my presence. I have to constantly fight to establish boundaries. MIL frequently comments negatively about DS being a mummy’s boy, how he doesn’t want to know her when I’m around, she’s not good enough if I’m there etc etc. (She’s only seen him without me when I’ve had baby scans/midwife appointments and DH takes DS there once I’ve left home) I never respond, but if I mention it to DH he says I’m making an issue. The funny thing is we’ve had disagreements about these potential situations in the past. When talking about the future he’s mentioned mil or sil could collect DS from the school bus stop as they do with sil’s children, and I’ve said absolutely not- neither mil or sil make the children wear seatbelts, they use quad bikes to heard sheep with no helmets etc etc. I’ve made it clear their safety standards and mine are different but he’s always responded he’d make sure DS was safe and I shouldn’t judge his family, they’re never good enough for me etc. I feel this has just proven my point and I can’t even trust DH with DS let alone in-laws.

How do I navigate this? I’ve posted before about his toxic family dynamic and received really good advice, but this time it’s not just affecting me, it’s DS safety. He cant/wont stand up to his parents or sibling, and rather than upset his father and refuse to get in the vehicle he chose to put our son in danger. What am I supposed to do in this situation?
We’ve talked often about moving away, but he’s always said not whilst his parents are around. The house was built by me before we met with inheritance I received, so we have no mortgage. The only thing keeping me here is DH. I’m low contact with my mum, no contact with father (siblings and I were removed for a time by social services as children due to abuse from him) and my best friends live 4 hours away. I have a good relationship with my sibling but he has his own young family to keep him busy. I feel like I’m already doing everything alone so I’m not daunted by the thought of starting fresh somewhere new, but I know that’s an extreme reaction and probably hormones. Even if DH promises to never do it again in all honestly I don’t believe him- it comes back to telling me what he thinks I want to hear just to placate me. I’m at a complete loss.

So what’s the plan for your finances? You have zero money coming in. You don’t want to go after redundancy pay, your husband doesn’t want to contribute to household bills, you’re not on benefits. What are you actually going to do? How will you buy nappies etc? Can you even afford to have this second child?
I sound harsh and I’m sorry but you’re at crisis point and your husband needs to start earning money. His parents have taken advantage of him for too long (he has a mortgage to help their farm that he gets no wages from!)

Honestly it would be a deal breaker and I would consider any legal action I could take, you have the footage as proof.

His own father didn't value his life what a waste of a father. Christ when you read of tragedies that happen everyday when people do everything within their power to keep their children safe

What else does he do when not watched.

I'd be absolutely fuming. I had something similar with my husband and his family though in another country where car seats aren't a legal requirement so at least they had a leg to stand on in the situation!
They turned up with extra family members to greet us at the airport - expecting us to have our toddler on our lap, rather than in a seat. Even though we'd told them specifically in advance we'd be bringing the car seat. We get taxis now instead.
BUT my husband understood the situation was wrong, he didn't want to upset his family but knows that safety is our priority and that trumps their feelings.
I don't know how you live with the whole situation though, it sounds unbearable. Is there anything redeeming?

bloody hell OP, on second thoughts you have a much bigger issue than the car seat. You have no job, your husband doesn’t have a paying job. How are you going to eat??

your husband needs to grow a backbone and get a job for his own family

In the short term we’ll be ok- council tax is paid in full for the year, water and electricity bills are low so I have enough in my account to cover them for a few months, and in terms of groceries I’ve already told DH he’s going to have to be responsible for those for now. I’ve finished Xmas shopping for DS as I spread it throughout the year. I have made an application for UC but not sure what we’ll be eligible for. In the meantime I’m looking for work but there’s not a lot out there- we live very rurally so no close towns/cities. In my mind this is all temporary- even if I only find part time work to cover basics, once DC go to school full time I can find full time work and earn a decent wage which will bring DC’s standard of living up again. DH is adamant he won’t give up farming, mainly because his parents would be destitute, but once tempers have cooled we’re going to have to have some tough conversations about how affordable his current situation is, but they’re a typical farming family- heads in the sand until it’s too late. He’s literally never done anything else either.

Thank you- to be brutally honest this is my instinct, sell the house and start afresh somewhere new on my own. The house is in a fantastic location where houses rarely go for sale, and its design means it’s one of a kind and worth much more than I ever anticipated. However I’m also conscious that because of childhood issues my default mode is to cut people off and walk away- I’ve always been unhealthily independent and I don’t want to jump the gun. I have a DS who adores his father and another on the way, and I don’t want to deprive them of a happy family home if there’s a way to work through this, but to be honest I’m not seeing how at the moment. DH will never change, he’s just not able to, his family dynamics won’t allow him to. We had a really tough conversation once a while ago where I said I thought it was over, and he was devastated. I don’t want to put anyone through this heartache without knowing I’m doing what’s best for everyone, not just because I’m in a difficult situation emotionally and financially and my instinct is to go it alone.

Kindly OP, there are no magic words from MNers or anyone else that can change the reality of your situation. Any hope your marriage ever had died the day your DH took a mortgage to save your parents’ farm and accepted zero income to support his family. He will always be the son first and a husband/dad second. He has and always will put his parents and the farm above you and his children. He chose to endanger his son’s life to avoid offending his father. He then lied to you and then gaslit you. If you tell him you’re leaving and taking the children with you, he will still choose his parents and the farm. It’s very sad but no surprise really as that is the approach that has been modelled to him by his own parents.

Your DH will never be your knight in shining armour galloping towards you so choose to save yourself instead. He will never love you or your children enough to walk away from the duty and obligation that comes with being the heir to a worthless farm. Show your children that they are worth more to you than this blasted farm ever will be and choose them over and over again by leaving and starting afresh somewhere new. The life that you have now is no life at all. I’m sure you would die for your children, but would you choose to live a full and free life for them instead?

Run fast and far

Your DH won't give up farming because his parents would be destitute. But you're both pretty much destitute now. Neither of you have a job that pays any wages, you have a young child and another on the way. You and your child should be your DH's priority, not his parents.

I understand your worries. I think it will become even more risky as the kids are older, if your husband thinks holding a small baby in the car, which is a widely regarded NO, how will he feel about quad bikes, tractors, motorcross bikes etc?

Has your brother stood up for you? Demanded you get your job back?

None of them care about doing right by you or ensuring your life isnt fucked over. Why do you care about them?
You are owed 15 years of redundancy. And a payout for unfair dismissal.

You talk about your husband not standing up to his family… but look at you. And you’re the breadwinner. But you’re just going to roll over and allow your family to suffer financially so as not to upset people who don’t give a shit about you.

Some really excellent responses on this thread, so nothing significant to add other than: you seem to be looking after (or looking out for) literally everyone else in your life OP. Who is looking after you?

Hi OP,
I'm really sorry for your situation - you are really up against it through no fault of your own.

Losing your job to redundancy is illegal as you are returning from maternity so your post should be protected and someone else should be made redundant if neccessary but I know that the law and reality are different. As well as no redundancy pay - it's awful.

The farm situation sounds tragic.

However in no world is it OK for your family to claim universal credit while your husband is working for free. That's tax payers money paying for your family so the in laws can keep their money and it's not right.

If the farm has to fail - tragic as that is - then that should happen. I can't see how they could be destitute if they own the farm which they obviously do because you have talked about loans against it and mortgages. No way could it be mortgaged to 100% of it's value.

If the inlaws were left with nothing (which I would be gobsmacked if that were true) then they would be entitled to universal credit etc. They can't expect their son to give the best years of his life working for free and unable to support his family.

As for the car seat - I would be fuming and make it know but it's not something I would be leaving my husband over - assuming he agreed that it wouldn't happen again.

I would tell him to get a job or I'm leaving him. He will probably go "home" and live with his mum and dad.

I'm quite angry on your behalf. I think you have been shafted on all sides. The car seat seems to have been the final straw.

I think you are going to have to find your fire and pretty quickly.

There's no need to answer these questions publicly, but these sorts of questions should be informing your decision making process.

1. With your house - is it ring fenced? Or would he be waiting for his 50% if you divorce? To no doubt put straight into the loss making farm.
2. If you do leave/divorce then you potentially will be handing your children over into your irresponsible husband without you in the background setting out the ground rules (even though he has no respect for these even with you in the background).
3. Who gets the farm after the inlaws pass? Your BIL? The Bank? The Government? Is the farm being dangled as a carrot? (just like being you being made a director was ).
4. Does your BIL get a salary? If he does, why doesn't your husband?
5. Do you have any sort of ally in your SIL?
6. Do not underestimate how blinking dreary it will be with no money. What happens if the pick up breaks down? Who puts the fuel in now - presume from farm account. Or something else big fails, or you get sick etc. And with a baby and a toddler your mental health will end up shot to bits in a very short space of time.
7. Where are you in his priority list - at the bottom? Will the farm always come first?

I think you need to fight on two fronts.

1. You need to go back to your family business and get them to pay you some form of redundancy/pay off. Use bribery if necessary - are the owners 'pillars of society' and like their good name? Is there any leverage to be had using their 'good standing'.? Kick up a fuss.
2. Your DH needs to be bringing some money into the house as a matter of urgency. He needs to put you first. To even think about claiming UC is a nonsense really when he's basically doing a job for free. It's like he's got a hobby job which was fine and dandy when you were earning but he's not got that luxury now. Him and his family are robbing you and your children of financial security. You need to have some hard conversations with him and they will be difficult because of his enmeshment. There's potentially some coercive and controlling behaviour happening as well as a degree of psychological and emotional abuse.

As a side piece you need to keep up the pressure ref safety . Does your DH wear a helmet on the quad bikes etc? The whole scenario has disaster written all over it. Especially if you divorce and child care will likely get palmed off on to others as he will be 'working' and those others obviously have a different standard to you ref care.
There is no easy/quick solution.

I do think you should politely but firmly ask for your redundancy. "I can accept you've decided my role is no longer needed, but after 15 years I do need to be paid redundancy as per government guidelines so that I can have the time to look for the right new role'.

You need the money, end of.
How the company treat your brother will be down to them and him not you and you must get what is owed to you.
You have 2 families here treating you like shit and you are putting up with it

You absolutely need to claim redundancy pay even if you don’t bring a claim for unfair dismissal / discrimination. I would email them and say that they haven’t followed a proper process but you are prepared to let it go if they properly compensate you for the loss of your job, which at a minimum means statutory redundancy but in the circumstances you would also expect them to offer something enhanced.

Has your DH got it in writing that he'll actually inherit something?

Will he be affected by the inheritance tax changes?

I'm from a farming family and there's all sorts of stories told about relatives effectively working for nothing, then getting shafted. I'm only now uncovering paperwork that tells a very different story to what we understood to be the truth. Spent my teenage years trying to drum up income to help my DM, so totally understand how difficult it is.

It's a different mentality and it's not ever going to work to favour you. I'd be looking after yourself and the DC and not spending my life worrying about tractor accidents, being lied to, etc.

You're going to have to leave him and try to stop him having access for their own safety.

Late to this and with a bit of a side note... you need a car asap.
Just because the cost of repairs is more than the value of the car doesn't mean it's not worth doing.
Is the cost of the repairs cheaper than replacing the car - that is the calculation.
I have done this a few times - eg car worth £800, needs new clutch or something that costs 1000. I know my car is generally well maintained and reliable, so to me it's worth speaking that 1000 to keep it on the road than risking spending eg1500/3000 whose history I don't know.
If at all possible my immediate priority would be to be physically independent with transport.
Then take on board and process much of the good advice above.
I hope for all of your sakes your dh is able to make some changes.
It can be helpful for the difficult conversations to avoid direct criticism as that invites defensiveness. Focus on what's needed by your family unit and how you are both going to pull together as a team for the future.

Report your DH to social services - what he did is against the law.

Thank you all for the useful advice. Things have got much worse- I’ve found countless messages from DH to MIL complaining, bad mouthing, lying about me and just assassinating my character, it’s quite brutal. I’m trying to figure out next steps without overreacting or making things worse for DS, but don’t really see a way forward. Thank you again.

Ah op I'm sorry that's horrible and it's a real betrayal from someone who is meant to be a team with you, who you can rely on. I'd confront him. And personally I'd suggest you seperate for a while to give you some space to get your head straight and think about your next steps without having to deal with him. He can stay with his mum since they're so attached.

I think for me all the lying is a complete deal breaker anyway. The fact he's lied to undermine your parenting and put your child in danger is really serious even if it's been done to appease his family. I agree with pps I'd be contacting social services to flag your concerns over him having responsibility for your kids without you there to supervise it.

Having read your update, leave him. He doesn't have the maturity to be a father or a husband while stuck in this enforced infancy.

Even before the update, I was going to say don't worry too much about your history of feeling too independent. That kind of thinking gets in your way. You are a mum who has reached out to sensible strangers for perspective, which has universally been that your situation is madness and can't continue this way.

Give yourself the gift of a fresh start with your children and congratulate yourself on having had the acumen to provide yourself with a valuable asset to do so with.

Hi Op

I'm sorry about your DH but I'm
Even more sorry your own family have exploited you. Pls don't let them off the hook, what they have done is illegal and shows they have no care for you.

It's your job back or proper redundancy money.