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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childs dad may be in prison. I am at breaking point

37 replies

Leabee1234 · 04/12/2024 11:36

At a loss about what to do. I have a 16 month old son and it's just been constant stress from the start but I've always allowed contact as I wanted my son to have his dad in his life.

He was in a toxic relationship with his ex (left me whilst pregnant ) for her and has been until recently and she has just had a baby with him.

For the past 4 or 5 months his ex has accused him of child abuse and domestic violence against her. He was on bail until end of December whilst police was investigating and he had supervised contact with our son for a few hours every week whilst this was happening

Now, I think he has been remanded in prison. However police are saying that and then saying he is not in prison but they know where he is and he is 'safe and well'

I have had no contact from him about what is going on.

I am really struggling to cope mentally I am being kept in the dark I have asked solicitors and my social worker and no one tells me anything
I don't even know what he's been accused of ( he says its all false as she is trying to win the custody case of their children)

I just feel like cutting it all off for good. I've gave him the benefit of the doubt and allowed supervised contact as told by my social worker as I don't know the truth

I have made previous posts about this but just feel like I need advice. Should I cut him off permanently or see what is happening first and see what the truth is.

OP posts:
Beezknees · 04/12/2024 11:39

Cut it off. Do not take any chances where child abuse allegations are concerned. Better to keep your child safe.

He has form for being a liar and a cheat so why would you believe what he says.

Onlycoffee · 04/12/2024 11:42

I'd cut him off for now, it doesn't look like he can visit anyway. You can always change your mind if he's innocent.

Lifeglowup · 04/12/2024 11:47

At the moment he is AWOL to you. He hasn’t bothered to say what is going on. He has already cut contact. I wouldn’t be in a hurry to allow him to see my child if I was you.

Dramatic · 04/12/2024 11:50

Cut him off now while your child is young enough not to remember him. My ex is in prison for a long time and I wish my daughters didn't remember him, it would make life a whole lot easier for everyone.

MrRobinsonsQuango · 04/12/2024 11:52

I wouldn’t do anything apart from a child maintenance claim. It’s not your problems to chase him for access, especially if his ex’s claims are true

Iloveagoodnap · 04/12/2024 11:55

If he's not contacting you and you can't contact him then you don't need to do anything (other than put in a child maintenance claim if not already done so). Try not to stress about it - this is not your problem to solve, it's up to him to get in touch with you about contact with his child. In the mean time tell your SW you don't know where he is and currently have no contact with him and that you will inform them if this changes. Then just try and enjoy your baby and the Christmas period x

MichaelAndEagle · 04/12/2024 11:58

Nothing good is going to come of having this man in your or your child's life.
Just cut him off. And move on.

MounjaroUser · 04/12/2024 12:15

Oh no, don't have anything to do with him. I'd keep my child as far away from this mess as possible and if contact is enforced, make sure it's in a contact centre.

OhBling · 04/12/2024 12:24

This man has been a liar and a cheat from the start. I'd do nothing to proactively organise anything. If he wants contact, and social services have said he can have supervised contact, then if he arranges that, fine but otherwise, do nothing.

maxelly · 04/12/2024 12:47

I'm not sure AIBU unreasonable is the best place for this question OP, you're just going to get a lot of 'cut off the bastard!' types responses and not a lot of thoughtful nuance or informed legal commentary. You do have my sympathies though, it sounds super hard. My advice would be you really can't be making a long term/permanent decision at this point, you just don't have enough information and you aren't really empowered by the system to make that decision on your son's behalf (whatever you believe morally, legally speaking in the UK neither parent has the right to unilaterally cut off the other parent from their child, even where there are allegations of abuse).

I think the best thing you can do, difficult as it is, is sit tight, currently your child's dad is not asking for contact so you can neither forbid or agree anyway, try and shield your son from this whole sorry mess as best you can (which includes taking care of yourself too as this must all be really stressful). Definitely do not bad mouth him to your son, if he asks about his Dad try and explain the bare minimum details in an age appropriate way and reassure your boy he's safe and loved. If and only if his dad turns back up and is consistently available for and in a state to have contact, which he may well not, as sounds as though he's totally enmeshed in this toxic issue with the ex, then take legal or social services advice and perhaps (if all agree this is safe) start off very very slowly with some indirect contact (cards, letters, presents etc). Take it one step at a time though and try not to drive yourself mad with thoughts of the future, most men like this when it comes to it do not make the sustained effort towards stability and responsibility that a court would require in order for them to have anything like a 'normal' parenting relationship which is a shame for the kids but at least means the children get to have something like normality with their mums.

I know this is hard and the instinct is to run away and hide yourself and your DS away but you'll only store up future problems by doing that IME, the last thing you want is some deadbeat dad turning back up in your son's life when he's a teenager or young adult full of love and indulgence and with a tale of woe of how the evil/crazy women ruined his life with lies and alienation. It will be hard but ultimately better for your DS if he understands that you never for a second tried to take him away from his father but only ever kept him safe, and if he gets used to the reality of who is dad is and what their relationship has to be like (i.e. a limited, protected one of course) from a young age so it's never a surprise.

Heronwatcher · 04/12/2024 12:56

Sorry to be blunt but this is an absolute no brainer. Keep out of it. If he sorts himself out and is acquitted then it’s for him to approach you and ask for supervised contact. Be aware that if he’s involved in some sort of toxic nonsense with his ex this may never happen. Until then assume you’ll be going it alone. Your DS is super young so this will have little/ no effect on him I would imagine. I agree normally it’s good to have a relationship with both parents but honestly sometimes it’s better just to keep out of it- and everything suggests this is the latter.

Keleshey · 04/12/2024 13:43

Are you in contact with any of his family? could you ask them what's going on?

If not then what about his ex who he has a baby with? perhaps being in touch with her would be a good thing anyway so that your DS could have a relationship with his half sibling?

Ultimately with little information I don't think I would cut contact but keep it supervised (if/when he shows up). Keep asking around for information so that when you do make a decision it will be an informed one.

I am very much of the belief that a child deserves contact with both of their parents unless they prove to be a danger (either physically or psychologically). Denying your child his right to see his father based on rumour and speculation could be quite damaging and cruel but I absolutely do understand your concerns, I've been there myself!

Christmascrumbling · 04/12/2024 13:46

You have a duty to safeguard your DC and on the information supplied all you can do is cut him off. Don't take risks with your childs safety, especially when you aren't being forced to by a court.

nfkl · 04/12/2024 13:46

"I've always allowed contact as I wanted my son to have his dad in his life."
It is not about what you want. It is about how things are.

I don't know if you have this urge because your own childhood was not great and you wanted different for your child, or if you pine for this man because you're in love, or because you don't want to admit your child is not the result of a loving relationship with a good man, but of some ons or brief situationship with a lowlife. And it's really ok to feel this way or to have had these aspirations.

But you need to stop and look at things as they are: the father of your child is accused of abuse and violence up to the point he was incarcerated. On top, he seems to have never been in a solid committed relationship with you.

So, you give your head a solid wobble, handle your dreams and your grief on your own, and you stop projecting these fantasies on a suspected abuser. Even if the accusations are false, I really wouldn't push to make a dad/son relationship happen. It's up to the father to act as a father, not to you to facilitate it for him.

I know I am terribly rough, and I actually would like to give you a big hug, but it's how it is.

oakleaffy · 04/12/2024 13:49

Sounds a waster .
Cut off this mess.

Original poster
Leabee1234 · 04/12/2024 14:14

Iloveagoodnap · 04/12/2024 11:55

If he's not contacting you and you can't contact him then you don't need to do anything (other than put in a child maintenance claim if not already done so). Try not to stress about it - this is not your problem to solve, it's up to him to get in touch with you about contact with his child. In the mean time tell your SW you don't know where he is and currently have no contact with him and that you will inform them if this changes. Then just try and enjoy your baby and the Christmas period x

Thank you I didn't think I could put a claim in if he's actually in prison which I assume he is. No idea what's going on

OP posts:
Original poster
Leabee1234 · 04/12/2024 14:16

Keleshey · 04/12/2024 13:43

Are you in contact with any of his family? could you ask them what's going on?

If not then what about his ex who he has a baby with? perhaps being in touch with her would be a good thing anyway so that your DS could have a relationship with his half sibling?

Ultimately with little information I don't think I would cut contact but keep it supervised (if/when he shows up). Keep asking around for information so that when you do make a decision it will be an informed one.

I am very much of the belief that a child deserves contact with both of their parents unless they prove to be a danger (either physically or psychologically). Denying your child his right to see his father based on rumour and speculation could be quite damaging and cruel but I absolutely do understand your concerns, I've been there myself!

Hi yes I am in contact with his family. The police are also telling them nothing. His family don't even know what's going on. I don't know if he has breached his bail and gone near his ex or contacted her but we haven't heard anything and the police will not tell us anything. So I'm just kept in the dark. But for now I will leave it and yes I won't allow contact until this is sorted if it is ever sorted and until i know the truth

OP posts:
Original poster
Leabee1234 · 04/12/2024 14:17

Keleshey · 04/12/2024 13:43

Are you in contact with any of his family? could you ask them what's going on?

If not then what about his ex who he has a baby with? perhaps being in touch with her would be a good thing anyway so that your DS could have a relationship with his half sibling?

Ultimately with little information I don't think I would cut contact but keep it supervised (if/when he shows up). Keep asking around for information so that when you do make a decision it will be an informed one.

I am very much of the belief that a child deserves contact with both of their parents unless they prove to be a danger (either physically or psychologically). Denying your child his right to see his father based on rumour and speculation could be quite damaging and cruel but I absolutely do understand your concerns, I've been there myself!

His ex hates me. She always has. She has blocked me off everything.i tried contacting her mother as I was very upset and concerned to ask what was going on and her mother then ignored and blocked me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leabee1234 · 04/12/2024 14:18

nfkl · 04/12/2024 13:46

"I've always allowed contact as I wanted my son to have his dad in his life."
It is not about what you want. It is about how things are.

I don't know if you have this urge because your own childhood was not great and you wanted different for your child, or if you pine for this man because you're in love, or because you don't want to admit your child is not the result of a loving relationship with a good man, but of some ons or brief situationship with a lowlife. And it's really ok to feel this way or to have had these aspirations.

But you need to stop and look at things as they are: the father of your child is accused of abuse and violence up to the point he was incarcerated. On top, he seems to have never been in a solid committed relationship with you.

So, you give your head a solid wobble, handle your dreams and your grief on your own, and you stop projecting these fantasies on a suspected abuser. Even if the accusations are false, I really wouldn't push to make a dad/son relationship happen. It's up to the father to act as a father, not to you to facilitate it for him.

I know I am terribly rough, and I actually would like to give you a big hug, but it's how it is.

I certainly am not in love with him. I just guess I never expected this to happen and all of this mess to happen whenever I've seen him with our son he seemed like a loving father and my son did love him and I guess I just encouraged thar relationship. But now yes there's too much going on and my focus is my son

OP posts:
ClicketyClickPlusOne · 04/12/2024 14:26

He left you while you were pregnant
He involved himself in fathering another child while your baby was still tiny
The charges against him are serious and substantiated enough for them not to have been dropped over all these months
It may be that he is found guilty of abuse and child abuse-would you want that in your child's life?
He is not bothering to contact you or take an interest in your baby. People on remand are allowed phone calls, letters etc.

I honestly don't know why you would pursue this. I would be doing my best NOT to have him in my child's life. Setting your child up for a lifetime of disappointment, forgotten/ cancelled visits, a father who can't be bothered with them, or worse, a Dad in prison.

Let go.

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 04/12/2024 14:27

Is he the one that left the child in the car at a supermarket and the staff called the police?

Whammyammy · 04/12/2024 14:31

Jeez. Cut thst loser off

Original poster
Leabee1234 · 04/12/2024 14:34

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 04/12/2024 14:27

Is he the one that left the child in the car at a supermarket and the staff called the police?

Yes he is. that's when I stopped the unsupervised contact and allowed just supervised contact and then it's just been one thing after another. He has been saying his ex is trying to stop contact as she is 'crazy and bitter' because they split up and is making up.all these lies. Of course I'm not going to believe that. I just don't know the truth I don't know any information and as I said I've just been kept in the dark

OP posts:
SpryCat · 04/12/2024 14:35

Stop trying to get in touch with his ex as you know she doesn’t like you so nothing good would come of it if she did speak. Your son is your only priority and I would be making sure he is protected as it could be all true, he left you when you were pregnant. All you’ve seen is him visiting your son and not him having him one to one. He left you for someone else whilst you were pregnant without giving a thought to you and unborn baby, you say his relationship with ex was toxic but was it really? Or are you being fed lies to keep you sweet in case he wants to come back? You have a gorgeous son and should realise by now he did you a favour by leaving as he is a cheat and a liar and had he stayed you could be you the one having to go to the police to report abuse of your son.

Original poster
Leabee1234 · 04/12/2024 14:35

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 04/12/2024 14:26

He left you while you were pregnant
He involved himself in fathering another child while your baby was still tiny
The charges against him are serious and substantiated enough for them not to have been dropped over all these months
It may be that he is found guilty of abuse and child abuse-would you want that in your child's life?
He is not bothering to contact you or take an interest in your baby. People on remand are allowed phone calls, letters etc.

I honestly don't know why you would pursue this. I would be doing my best NOT to have him in my child's life. Setting your child up for a lifetime of disappointment, forgotten/ cancelled visits, a father who can't be bothered with them, or worse, a Dad in prison.

Let go.

If he is found guilty of that there is no way I would want him in my childs life. He always has said either way he will take me to court for access if I cut him.off but I guess if he is guilty that would be supervised. However police are saying no crime has been committed but rhen another police station were saying he has been remanded for breaching bail.So police are even telling me different things

OP posts: