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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend not there in time of need

46 replies

Confusedandsadnow · 04/12/2024 10:41

NC for this.

I’ll have to keep details vague so as not to be outing.

Long story short, a once incredibly close long-term friend has not been there for me during a very difficult time. I would probably just have dialled-down my contact and mirrored her level of effort but she contacted me more than once to emphasise how much the friendship meant to her (without then putting in any time etc.) In response I tried to explain , in a non-blaming way, what I would need from a friendship to keep it close. Nothing really demanding, but basically just keeping in touch. For whatever reason, nothing has changed so in my mind the friendship has, very sadly, come to an end. (No big bust up/words said, but I’ve been mirroring her level of effort and trying to move on.)

Anyway, she contacted me to today to say that something has happened. I haven’t spoken to her so don’t know how she’s feeling but I can only imagine this is extremely distressing. Normally, I would have gone above and beyond and really put myself out to help her e.g. offered to come and sit with her, call any time, home-cooked food etc. However, in the circumstances I’m thinking perhaps a kind text and maybe a card at most? I’d never want to say anything cruel, but tbh doing any more would feel fake and I’d probably feel resentful.

YABU-she probably really needs a friend so suck it up

YANBU-you need to protect yourself so keep it minimal

Any constructive thoughts really welcome!

OP posts:
MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 04/12/2024 10:44

Do what you feel is right for YOU! If she isn't the sort of friend who is there for you in a crisis, then she has no right to expect more from you, when she has problems OP.

Wistfuller · 04/12/2024 10:48

I don't think that crises are the best way to judge the strength or value of a friendship. You should do whatever you feel is best for you, and considering whether you still value this friendship and want to retain it. If, for you, it's ended, then no need to do anything, surely?

RedVelvetIcing · 04/12/2024 10:52

I would say a simple I’m sorry to hear that and leave it. Depends what’s gone on I may have ignored it all together.

wheretoyougonow · 04/12/2024 11:00

Agree with pp. Text back and say you are sorry to hear this and leave it.

Sometimes a friendship does come to a natural end especially when you realise they don't reciprocate back.

BMW6 · 04/12/2024 11:09

I agree, short "Sorry to hear that" and leave it.

bigkidatheart · 04/12/2024 11:12

If something has happened could it have been happening when you were going through your difficult time? Could you both have been distracted by these big events?

Original poster
Confusedandsadnow · 04/12/2024 11:14

bigkidatheart · 04/12/2024 11:12

If something has happened could it have been happening when you were going through your difficult time? Could you both have been distracted by these big events?

Good question, although I think very unlikely

OP posts:
RedVelvetIcing · 04/12/2024 11:18

I have experienced the same thing in the past. They would come back for support and then disappear again so I’m wary with who I give it to now.

MounjaroUser · 04/12/2024 11:21

I'd look at what she'd been like at other times in the friendship. If she'd always been the same - wanting attention but never giving it - then I'd just send an "Oh I'm sorry, that's tough" message (not a card, unless someone has died).

YonderTweek · 04/12/2024 11:22

I'm in a similar situation with my oldest friend, and it has felt like she has been fading me out for the last ten or so years, only getting in touch at times of crises, but she has never really been there for me when I have struggled. I didn't want to let go of the friendship so I let it carry on for ages, but only this year I have stepped right back and stopped engaging. I know she is having a tough time again, and I have sent my sympathies, but I'm probably not going to go any further than that now.

Does she bring anything positive to the friendship? I realised that staying in touch with my old friend only made me feel bad and worthless, and it's been surprisingly nice to not feel like that anymore. I do miss what we had and cherish the memories, but there's no point clinging to it because the friendship just isn't what it used to be. I would probably just say "sorry to hear that" and leave it.

ricepudding · 04/12/2024 11:22

This actually happened to me but with my mum. It was very painful, but her not supporting me yet again, was just to much for me to take.

I completely understand and I wouldn't want to be involved either. I think I would send a non committal message and try to move on, but I appreciate how difficult it is

FetchezLaVache · 04/12/2024 11:23

RedVelvetIcing · 04/12/2024 11:18

I have experienced the same thing in the past. They would come back for support and then disappear again so I’m wary with who I give it to now.

Yes, me too. I call these people 'foul weather friends'. Only you can know how much support you want to offer in this situation, OP.

Rumors1 · 04/12/2024 11:27

OP I think we can all be a little bit selfish at times and fail to understand how difficult things can be for some people.
My dad was very ill last year, nearly died and it was all consuming for me. I thought back to times when I knew people going through something similar and I didnt give a great level of support because I truly didnt understand what they were going through.

If I was in your situation, my response would depend on how much I valued the friendship (outside of the recent lack of support). You could support your friend and when the time is right have a conversation about how you would have liked a similar level of support from her. She may then understand how hard it was for you and be embarrassed that she was so distant. Or if she isnt a good friend, she wont really care and at least you will know.

So it depends on how you value the friendship and also what support you can actually give right now.

50shadesofnay · 04/12/2024 11:33

It depends on what "the thing" is that making her upset. Death or divorce would probably get in touch. Car broken down or bad day at work I would probably just text.

BleepingBleepy · 04/12/2024 11:35

The fact that while you were having a bad time, she messaged telling you how important the friendship was to her makes me wonder if she knew she was being a bit crap, but had her mind on her own current situation. Maybe she was worried it was going to happen?

Is she normally a bit crap in a crisis or was this a one-off?

LostittoBostik · 04/12/2024 11:36

Behave in a way you feel comfortable with.

Mirroring isn't a good basis for feeling at ease with yourself. You need to decide what is right for you in this moment. It almost doesn't matter what she did or didn't do for you.

Original poster
Confusedandsadnow · 04/12/2024 11:43

BleepingBleepy · 04/12/2024 11:35

The fact that while you were having a bad time, she messaged telling you how important the friendship was to her makes me wonder if she knew she was being a bit crap, but had her mind on her own current situation. Maybe she was worried it was going to happen?

Is she normally a bit crap in a crisis or was this a one-off?

She used to be a brilliant friend but for the past few years she’s put very little effort in. What’s just happened recently is a one-off event and I think it’s very unlikely she’s gone through similar before without me knowing/her saying. You never really know what’s going on with people, but I have the impression she’s been very focused on her own (happy) life events

OP posts:
TriangleLight · 04/12/2024 11:49

Just drop a text back as others have said.

I had a friend would do this. We’re not friends now

Nespressso · 04/12/2024 11:54

It’s hard to say without details, but I’m probably similar your friend.

there is someone who probably feels I’ve let them down and wasn’t supportive enough, but honestly, I’ve given what I could. I reached my limit of support for her. It’s my genuine belief that friends don’t really owe each other anything and expecting more than the odd check in or listening ear is unreasonable.

however, this follows on from some horrible life events of my own that friends weren’t really invested in. But I don’t blame them for that. I think I’m just very closed off now and wouldn’t expect anything from anybody. But I don’t give much out anymore either.

Original poster
Confusedandsadnow · 04/12/2024 11:57

Nespressso · 04/12/2024 11:54

It’s hard to say without details, but I’m probably similar your friend.

there is someone who probably feels I’ve let them down and wasn’t supportive enough, but honestly, I’ve given what I could. I reached my limit of support for her. It’s my genuine belief that friends don’t really owe each other anything and expecting more than the odd check in or listening ear is unreasonable.

however, this follows on from some horrible life events of my own that friends weren’t really invested in. But I don’t blame them for that. I think I’m just very closed off now and wouldn’t expect anything from anybody. But I don’t give much out anymore either.

Yes I think this perspective is fair enough-a sort of low investment/expectation approach. The difficulty for me is, from my perspective, I was much more invested in time, effort etc than my friend.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 04/12/2024 12:12

Two ways of handling this:- both get the message across. Basically Axe or Sledgehammer

  1. “I’m so sorry something has happened. I hope you have good people around to be there for you. It sounds like you need them.”

  2. “I’m really very sorry that something has happened. I hope you’re okay. I need you to understand that I am still recovering from the trauma from when X was going on in my life. While I am in a much better place than I was at that time, I am unable to be available like I used to be to anyone who wasn’t there for me when I needed them.”

2024riot · 04/12/2024 12:22

Fraaahnces · 04/12/2024 12:12

Two ways of handling this:- both get the message across. Basically Axe or Sledgehammer

  1. “I’m so sorry something has happened. I hope you have good people around to be there for you. It sounds like you need them.”

  2. “I’m really very sorry that something has happened. I hope you’re okay. I need you to understand that I am still recovering from the trauma from when X was going on in my life. While I am in a much better place than I was at that time, I am unable to be available like I used to be to anyone who wasn’t there for me when I needed them.”

Both of these are unnecessarily unpleasant

Mary46 · 04/12/2024 12:23

Leave it at a text. I dont put effort into one sided friendships now. It was an eye opener when our dad died. Alot friends just made no effort. It was crap.

Nespressso · 04/12/2024 12:31

@Mary46 genuinely and for my learning - what effort would you expect?

im definitely not being antagonistic. Im reading this thread as a useful learning tool. I just don’t see friendship the same way as the majority, clearly. I’ve never really had any friends, I do have a loose circle now I chat with but would never expect anything of them.

what would you do / expect someone to do when your dad passed? What’s the societal norm ? (Sorry for you loss)

Nespressso · 04/12/2024 12:33

Confusedandsadnow · 04/12/2024 11:57

Yes I think this perspective is fair enough-a sort of low investment/expectation approach. The difficulty for me is, from my perspective, I was much more invested in time, effort etc than my friend.

Show quote history

In what way did you invest? I’m having a similar situation where one friend has badly fallen out with some others because they haven’t been supportive enough, altho they feel they have checked in etc. I just wondered to what extent to people expect friends to go?