Friend not there in time of need

[Confusedandsadnow]

NC for this.

I’ll have to keep details vague so as not to be outing.

Long story short, a once incredibly close long-term friend has not been there for me during a very difficult time. I would probably just have dialled-down my contact and mirrored her level of effort but she contacted me more than once to emphasise how much the friendship meant to her (without then putting in any time etc.) In response I tried to explain , in a non-blaming way, what I would need from a friendship to keep it close. Nothing really demanding, but basically just keeping in touch. For whatever reason, nothing has changed so in my mind the friendship has, very sadly, come to an end. (No big bust up/words said, but I’ve been mirroring her level of effort and trying to move on.)

Anyway, she contacted me to today to say that something has happened. I haven’t spoken to her so don’t know how she’s feeling but I can only imagine this is extremely distressing. Normally, I would have gone above and beyond and really put myself out to help her e.g. offered to come and sit with her, call any time, home-cooked food etc. However, in the circumstances I’m thinking perhaps a kind text and maybe a card at most? I’d never want to say anything cruel, but tbh doing any more would feel fake and I’d probably feel resentful.

YABU-she probably really needs a friend so suck it up

YANBU-you need to protect yourself so keep it minimal

Any constructive thoughts really welcome!

I would just say something pleasant and supportive but a bit distant like sorry to hear that, hope you feel better soon.

This

What do you want to do, OP? If you still care about your friend and your instinctive reaction is to go and support her, then do it. If you're too upset and weary of the way she behaves, then don't.
I have a rather similar situation with my oldest and closest friend. She hasn't made much effort to see me for a few years, and hasn't been that interested when something big (good or bad) has been going on in my life. A couple of times recently she has had some crisis and reached out to me, and I've wanted to be there. Then things go back to her being not very interested. It's strange and I don't understand it, but I don't want to pull the plug on the relationship altogether.

I wouldn't respond at all. I've lost a decades long friend because she ignored me during one of the worst summers I've ever had but then fully expected me to spend hundreds of pounds on a trip with her!

I don't know if she needs support now and I don't care. If she were to approach me I'd ignore her like she ignored me.

What my friend and yours should have done was to appreciate us when they had us.

I had a similar situation with a friend and I went for the “sorry to hear that” text. It was the first time she had actually called me in so long, instead of texting a response even if I phoned her, and when I didn’t answer she sent me a text telling me what had happened to her.

I am a really compassionate person but she had just totally failed to be there during a horrendous year for me, when if it was the other way around I would have stepped up so much for her.

She still contacts me now occasionally to meet up, but I never really get around to it. There was no big drama or “ending”, I just let the friendship fade away. For me it just wasn’t possible to come back from.

Do what feels right for you. If you want to step up and be there for her anyway then do but if you don't feel like it then you don't have to.

I wouldn’t send a card, I would just reply in a mild way, “I am sorry to hear of your troubles, how awful. I know how it feels to battle through difficult times, especially in the run up to Christmas, and send my best wishes. Perhaps in the springtime when things have settled down a bit, we can catch up on each other’s news properly? We have both had a rough few years but it would be nice to stay in touch from time to time.”

It's a bit hard for me to follow what the issue was with your friend (though I get not wanting to share specifics).
You were going through a tough time, and she regularly got in touch to say how much she values your friendship?
I would be really chuffed by that, and I think it would bouy me up through alot of bad days (but not all, so hard to know without specifics).
Is the issue that you felt you wanted more practical support? Rather than just warm-hearted sentiments?
Is there a chance you've had a mis-match of expectations, that she thought she was doing something kind and supportive, whereas to you it just felt empty?

Sorry you are caught in middle, that must be hard. I don’t think there’s a hard and fast rule but depends instead on the level of friendship/what level of support has been the norm between friends in the past. In your friends’ case it could be that both are justified in how they feel. For example, as other posters have said, if you haven’t been through a situation you may really have no idea what it’s like and think checking in once to ask how someone is is enough. You then go through something similar and realise how isolating it is and how more emotional and practical support would have really helped.

In my case I’ve carried on as we both did before (making effort to keep
in touch regularly, being supportive of her news/events even if that meant putting myself out, thoughtful gifts) whereas she has made little effort to keep in touch and has become very “surface” level when she does.

Contacted “more than once”. The OP, as I understand it, is proposing to mirror the efforts that her friend made which were, explicitly not putting in any time.

She reached out to say how much the friendship meant more than once, but hasn’t put time/effort into the friendship for years. There has been a big decline on her part from the effort she used to make, whilst mine has remained the same.

The idea of expectations being mid-matched would have made sense except I actually spoke to her and explained what I would need to keep the friendship close. She might not be on the same page/have the same needs, but she does know how I feel.

So she has reached out AGAIN because something happened - after you had explained how you feel about the friendship? (I’m trying to read this…) If so, I would send a text. Something like,“I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope you’re okay.”. She may leave it alone or respond from there and you will get a clearer idea of her expectations - although I suspect they won’t have changed too much.

"I actually spoke to her and explained what I would need to keep the friendship close"
Oh that's hard, if you were clear what you needed it's quite a rejection from her.
I'm sorry.

I gave my friend a heartfelt message on WhatsApp recently as her brother had passed away. Which is exactly as they reacted when I lost my brother in February.
I had thought she was a very close friend. Now not so much.

I ended a friendship over lack of support at an awful time for my family. It was a 20 year friendship and I was gutted by her radio silence. For me it was done . Others wouldn't necessarily give up a friendship.
I would not give her my energy of resources ever again.

I would find it very off-putting to a friendship to be given instructions on "how to keep it close".
Surely a friendship is for give and take rather than rules?

Giving instructions I would feel awkward, because if I did it because of them, then I would feel false. If I didn't, even if I had a very good reason why, I would feel guilty.
If she'd followed them you'd have been left wondering if she meant it or was just being obedient.
Friendship isn't about controlling the other person.

That would probably have stopped the friendship for me as I'd have just felt so awkward round them. I wouldn't have reached out later though.

I think people let you down sometimes but it’s just because life got in the way/ they assumed you were coping better. I try not to take it personally although on the other hand I do sometimes find I gravitate towards the person who was there for me but I don’t think that’s fair- everyone has their daily shit they’re just trying to get through. In your mindset though I’d probably try to be there for her but if you can’t go all in don’t, you can talk to her and ask is she ok without being a shoulder

I don’t think your expectations were unreasonable. We should be able to expect consistency from our friends unless there’s a good reason for them to withdraw and a good friend would explain what that reason is.

At this stage sending a card is enough. I can see why anything more would feel fake, you don’t feel the same so it would be. That just shows you have integrity.

@MargaretThursday I agree! I’m reading this thread thinking it’s absolutely bonkers.

I really don’t understand what people expect from friends more than the odd text or listening ear? Telling a friend your minimum requirements is absolutely mad to me.

I have asked up thread but no one seems to be able to give specific answers.

does anyone feel there may be an element of projection here? If someone is going through difficult circumstances, is it realistic to expect a friend to make one feel better? And if they don’t we are blaming them?

@Nespressso "I really don’t understand what people expect from friends more than the odd text or listening ear? "

that to me is an acquaintance.

a friend is someone who enjoys spending time together and will do occasional practical things to help.

I'm sure many people will be along to shout at me about what an appalling idea this is. It seems most people don't agree with me so I'm lost too. what do you think a friend is @Nespressso? The odd text?

@Confusedandsadnow I think the poster who suggested your friend thought her declarations of friendship were valuable might be on to something.

@Monty27 communication by message is really problematic and i think it's a factor in the decline of friendship (which itself it's widely reported on now). I wonder if your friend just omitted the "call me if you need me"? But I have pulled back in everything because I'm feeling like my behaviour doesn't fit the modern world. If my friends suffer a loss, i offer to actually do stuff as well be a shoulder. This seems outdated now.

@EmeraldRoulette i absolutely dont profess to be correct, or think that my view of friendship is the norm. But im reading this trying to learn what others expect.

I actually agree with your definition, someone who I enjoy their company, the odd favour I would probably do (depending on what it was) and if they were going through a tough time I’d check in when I could and be a listening ear. I would NOT expect an acquaintance to listen to me moan.

but it seems the OP was asking for much more regular and specific support. As others have said when they went through loss it showed that people weren’t there for them. But I would lot expect people to provide intensive emotional support ongoing for weeks or months which is generally how long a bereavement is going to feel raw for (or longer). I wouldn’t expect phone calls or meet ups multiple times a week. I’m not saying I’m right, I’m just saying most people are busy and have limited capacity, I wouldn’t expect a friend to support me on a daily or near daily basis for a prolonged period of time.