DS Birthday Party WWYD

[RedxRobin]

DS has been friends with another boy at school for a couple of years (they're in primary school). It's a bit of a toxic friendship and I'm not very keen on this boy as he has behaviour issues & made a racist comment to another child last year. I've been careful not to let DS know that I don't like this boy as I feel that it should be up to DS to make up his own mind about him & I don't feel I should dictate his friendships.

DS has started pulling away from this boy as he says that he's mean and he's starting to recognise that he's not a particularly good friend to have. This has now cumulated in them having a bit of a falling out and DS doesn't want to be friends with him anymore. However, we had already said that DS would go to his birthday party.

DS is not massively keen to go although would quite like to do the activity because it's fun (not because of seeing this boy). I'm not keen on him going as I don't want DS to be sucked back in to being friends with him again. WIBU to message the mum & say DS can no longer make it?

I don’t think you can force your child to go to a party if he doesn’t want to above the age of about 3. It’s fine to cancel, as long as you offer to pay for your child’s spot if it is not refundable and they can’t find someone else to go.

How far away is the party? Is it a paid per person activity? If its fairly close and its a paid per person activity then I think you have to go, unless there has been one big incident (like he punched your son in the face). Just slowly realising that you don't like someone isn't a good enough reason to accept an invitation then decline it after its been paid for

He's a bully who likes to put other children down. Up until recently he hasn't done it to DS but now he's started picking on him - I'm not sure, would you call that toxic? What would you call a toxic friendship?

He also has had to move class for disruptive behaviour & is regularly in trouble with the teachers

8

When’s the party? if in a couple of weeks fine cancel, if this weekend I wouldn’t cancel especially if a pre booked activity where money could be lost.

Don't force him to go, just make an excuse. Drop off a small birthday present with the mum and forget about it.

Can 8 year olds have toxic friendships? I’d probably just say he’s a naughty little shit

Don't go, let them know asap so they can invite someone else. Give the present as you would have done.

Have you spoken to the mum about her son's behaviour? Birthday party or no birthday party, any behaviour that is affecting your son should be addressed.

No - I haven't spoken to the mum. I don't really know her but I don't think she would be particularly open to any comments. She doesn't care about getting him to school on time (I regularly see them in the playground when the school gates have closed) and DS has said that apparently she never tells her son no or tells him off.

Does DS know other people that are going, is he friends with any of them?

I think he should go, but lift share with someone else going so he doesn't feel it's all about the sort-of-friend. DS will have a worse time with a boy like this if you escalate the situation like this, into a dramatic falling out and enemies, than if the friendship sort of fizzles out and they remain polite with each other.

True - I have to admit I haven't warmed to her which in a way makes it easier to let the friendship die than if I was very good friends with her!

yes, I really don't want a big fall out or to antagonise the situation. I would much rather it fizzles out.
without potentially outing myself, I do have some personal stuff going on which I could use as an excuse to get DS out of the party. I just don't know if it is bad manners to do so. The party is in 10 days

Assuming there are going to be other children there that your DS likes, I would go to the party. He can withdraw somewhat from this friendship - and the fact that you clearly don't like the boy or his mum tells me that you haven't exactly been pushing the relationship - and your DS will still have a good time and hang out with other children.

I think this is the age when this sort of thing starts to happen. I saw it (slightly) with DS, and I'm seeing it a little with DD as well. In her case, the other child's mum and I are good friends and it's quite tricky. She's not oblivious to the way her child behaves though so she's sensitive to DD drawing away a bit. And DD is not completely blameless either.

This

because his friend told him?

We have a similar issue with DD - she's having real friendship issues with the DD of a good friend of mine which is a bit awkward all round!