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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Interesting parenting situation or new norm?

27 replies

SereneBlueHiker · 03/12/2024 18:08

Not going to get involved with this personally but just curious to know what others think. Details changed to avoid outing.

Friend of a friend; let's say her name is Sally, has been in a relationship with Bob for >15 years. He is British but has been working abroad for a number of years since losing his city job and was unable to secure anything in the same sector. Now works internationally for a job that means he is stationed for 9 months a year with limited potential to return at short notice or communicate, although he is able to whatsapp and do some international calls. When he returns to his girlfriend's home country, he will stay with her for the remaining few months and catch up with friends in the UK.

Now, the twist to this is that they actually have 2 kids- aged between 3 and 8. Dad has never been in the same country for more than 3 months since they were born but does seem to spend a lot of time with them when he is back. He has also taken emergency leave to be there when she was in labour and will also send them a stipend each month for living costs, although she is paid very well by the state and doesn't really need it (accommodation also paid for.)

They have discussed him coming back to live with them for the long term but he has clearly stated that he has no intention to live in her home country and wants to pursue his career ambitions abroad (think non land based career and not able to move family with him into accommodation), although will consider reducing his working hours so that he can return to land for more months of the year (probably max 6). He has also told my friend that he does not see himself living in a foreign country and doing a 9-5 job. He loves his kids but feels that being around them all the time is too much.

She has semi-accepted the situation but is still hopeful that they will all find somewhere to live as a family, and has suggested they set up near where his family live in the UK. As it stands, he has almost £million in savings but no plans to spend this in the near future. They have spoken about marriage but he states that this would not be feasible as then he may lose tax privileges on his current salary.

To provide some background on Bob- he has a degree in something financial and was working in a high powered city job but lost this after accidentally losing the company money during a business deal. Grew up in the UK and was raised by his mum and stepdad who he gets on well with. Dad never in the picture.

AIBU to think that Bob is being selfish, or is he doing the best he can given the circumstances? Should Sally also take some responsibility for insisting that they start a family, given his career aspirations?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 03/12/2024 18:10

You get what you settle for

Partyfavour123 · 03/12/2024 18:13

I would want to know how the kids cope with it...

TTPDTS · 03/12/2024 18:13

I mean it's perhaps selfish on his part, but also silly on Sally's part to start a family with someone like that in the hopes they'd change (if that's what she did).

If she's semi accepted the situation (and had 2 children without being married and this being the current set up!) I think I'd think it's on her side that it's a bit selfish too.

yeesh · 03/12/2024 18:14

She is a total mug and what do you mean provided for by the state? She’s on benefits you mean? While he’s a millionaire, yeah good one

SpeculativeHoumous · 03/12/2024 18:17

It's up to them. It's not new either. I had friends 20 years ago who's dads would work in the army or in dubai I think it was for most the year. People work on cruise ships, as pilots, on oil rigs. It's what is agreed between them.

WASZPy · 03/12/2024 18:17

What do you mean that she is paid very well by the state?

Original poster
SereneBlueHiker · 03/12/2024 18:18

Sorry if not clear- I mean public sector job with good benefits, e.g. childcare, accommodation etc. Also, not exact figures re his savings but think reduced tax and bonuses.

OP posts:
Original poster
SereneBlueHiker · 03/12/2024 18:25

SpeculativeHoumous · 03/12/2024 18:17

It's up to them. It's not new either. I had friends 20 years ago who's dads would work in the army or in dubai I think it was for most the year. People work on cruise ships, as pilots, on oil rigs. It's what is agreed between them.

Agree that this is not new but just curious about any lasting effects on children. Historically this kind of situation has been unavoidable for financial reasons

OP posts:
GranPepper · 03/12/2024 18:27

So this is a friend of a friend (Sally). Bob has limited ability to return or communicate at short notice. Bob got emergency leave for child's birth. His partner lives outside Britain but he doesn't want to. You know Bob has million in savings; you know his work history and his tax status; you know the mother of Bob's children gets a "stipend" (somewhat strange expression for child support) but Sally doesn't need his money anyway. It's a bit bizarre you know so much/seem so invested about a friend of a friend tbh. I'd advise just concentrating on your own life.

Tuhlula · 03/12/2024 18:31

GranPepper · 03/12/2024 18:27

So this is a friend of a friend (Sally). Bob has limited ability to return or communicate at short notice. Bob got emergency leave for child's birth. His partner lives outside Britain but he doesn't want to. You know Bob has million in savings; you know his work history and his tax status; you know the mother of Bob's children gets a "stipend" (somewhat strange expression for child support) but Sally doesn't need his money anyway. It's a bit bizarre you know so much/seem so invested about a friend of a friend tbh. I'd advise just concentrating on your own life.

Sally is the OP?

Original poster
SereneBlueHiker · 03/12/2024 18:35

GranPepper · 03/12/2024 18:27

So this is a friend of a friend (Sally). Bob has limited ability to return or communicate at short notice. Bob got emergency leave for child's birth. His partner lives outside Britain but he doesn't want to. You know Bob has million in savings; you know his work history and his tax status; you know the mother of Bob's children gets a "stipend" (somewhat strange expression for child support) but Sally doesn't need his money anyway. It's a bit bizarre you know so much/seem so invested about a friend of a friend tbh. I'd advise just concentrating on your own life.

Well, it's mumsnet isn't it...who doesn't love a good discussion? :)

OP posts:
GranPepper · 03/12/2024 18:38

Tuhlula · 03/12/2024 18:31

Sally is the OP?

Show quote history

I don't know. OP seems to be quite invested in the situation/have quite detailed knowledge about people who aren't their friend (because they're the partner of a friend of a friend). It's not something I would post about or be concerned about as it doesn't affect me, but that's just my thoughts

GranPepper · 03/12/2024 18:40

SereneBlueHiker · 03/12/2024 18:35

Well, it's mumsnet isn't it...who doesn't love a good discussion? :)

Show quote history

Don't disagree with that

missymousey · 03/12/2024 19:06

Voted YABU that it has anything to do with you!

Pieceofpurplesky · 03/12/2024 19:19

I have a friend who has lived like this for 30 years. Still have a great relationship and the kids are lovely well balanced young adults now. She does joke that when he retires they will be divorced in a month!

Onlyonekenobe · 03/12/2024 19:24

To each their own. Assuming Sally was an adult when she got into this relationship, what's to discuss 💁. There are many paths to a fulfilled and happy life, your vision isn't the only true one.

CandyMaker · 03/12/2024 19:27

Bob has another family abroad.

ShamblesRock · 03/12/2024 20:25

CandyMaker · 03/12/2024 19:27

Bob has another family abroad.

I had the same thought.

HadEnoughOfBears · 03/12/2024 20:27

Is it ridiculous that when I read he has a non-land based profession I immediately thought he is an astronaut.
Only after a good few seconds did I remember about oil rigs and cruise ships and the merchant navy or even the navy navy 🙈🙈

PonyPatter44 · 03/12/2024 20:29

Public sector job with accommodation? I'm guessing this isn't the UK, because those perks went away years ago (police housing, prison officers "living on the patch"). I wouldn't fancy living like Sally, but I suppose she's made her choices.

GranPepper · 03/12/2024 20:30

Possibly but it's not like OP says she is affected because Bob is a friend of a friend (Sally)

Superscientist · 03/12/2024 20:34

My dad worked out of the country 10 months a year for 5 years from me being 6-11 and my sisters were 2-7 and 13-18.
It wasn't sustainable but the money was good. It took about 2 years for him to find a job back in the UK. It was hard to get interviews when you aren't in the country.
The worst years were the last year of him working away and the first year working back in the UK.
This was back in the 90s so our main form of communication was fax. If my parents didn't know there was an exit plan I don't think they would have made it.
It was hard on all of us

PullTheBricksDown · 03/12/2024 20:44

He loves his kids but feels that being around them all the time is too much.

What a charmer. Hope their mother doesn't become seriously ill or worse as they'll be screwed.

Also, are fathers not morally obliged to support their children if the mother earns well and 'doesn't really need it'?

JLou08 · 03/12/2024 21:03

It's pretty common where I am for people to work on oil rigs and have arrangements like this where they are away for half the year. Its a working class town with not many opportunities and a job on the rigs is something people see as a really good option here. I know a few families who have this arrangement and are very happy with and have a good lifestyle, designer clothes, nice house and holidays etc. Maybe in more affluent areas it would be seen as strange but here it's looked up to as a great job. It is something that should be agreed between a couple though if they have children. The women I know are happy with it and enjoy the time with their partners as they have a chance to miss them and they aren't stressed about the typical division of labour stuff many women get annoyed with as they are in a routine of managing the house themselves.

HMW1906 · 03/12/2024 21:11

I used to work on cruise ships. Many of the deck team (drive the ship) and engineers onboard were men who had families at home. They tended to do a 4 month on 6 week off rota. This was their careers and many of them met their partners whilst doing this job so their partners were well aware what they were signing up for. I suppose the difference is that ‘Bob’ was doing a different job then changed to the working aboard job but I sounds like the children came once he’d changed jobs so I feel like your friend went into that knowing what to expect.