Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed at DB thoughtless birthday gift

42 replies

Nicetinofgoodies · 03/12/2024 16:57

I know I will get flamed for this but I don't care.

It was DC1's birthday last week and my brother, like every year, send a card from a website. He has been sending the same card every year for DC1 birthday. For reference DC1 now 10.

I make a special effort when it's his children's birthday to buy suitable gifts: dolls, toys, books, clothes. I feel like such a fool going to all this flaff when he cannot be bothered to do anything in return.

Nor has he ever sent any gift or a card for DC2, despite reminding him. I suspect he has a reminder on on a website for DC1 and not for DC2.

Am I right to feel annoyed? He has no money problems, his children all go to private school, it's just that he cannot be bothered

OP posts:
Justsayit123 · 03/12/2024 16:59

Why don’t you say something??

greengreyblue · 03/12/2024 16:59

Seems a bit thoughtless. I wouldn’t mind a card ‘from a website’ and often use those myself as it’s a one-stop shop with no faffing about with stamps.
Have you had a conversation with him about this? Perhaps raise it as a ‘ shall we just not do presents for the kids? ‘ See what his response is.

Original poster
Nicetinofgoodies · 03/12/2024 17:01

Justsayit123 · 03/12/2024 16:59

Why don’t you say something??

He'll throw a huff.

OP posts:
SpeculativeHoumous · 03/12/2024 17:04

If he sends the exact same card perhaps that is traditional now? Pretty crap about DC2 though. I'd just ask him not to bother and release him from the obligation

SpeculativeHoumous · 03/12/2024 17:05

Nicetinofgoodies · 03/12/2024 17:01

He'll throw a huff.

Show quote history

Is he 10?

Stompythedinosaur · 03/12/2024 17:28

Let him huff!

I had a similar situation with my db and I said "please don't buy for dd1 if you aren't also going to buy for dd2". He took it surprisingly well and did set a reminder for dd2 on subsequent years.

Pookie2022 · 03/12/2024 17:37

My dc have never even received a card from my db. I’m lucky if I get a text! That said, it would annoy me, particularly that dc2 doesn’t get anything.

RaspberryBeretxx · 03/12/2024 17:39

What would he do if you just stop sending gifts for his DC? If he mentions it then just say "oh, I thought we weren't doing gifts for DC?" and look confused. He can't then throw a huff without looking like a total hypocrite.

WhatYouPutOutComesBack · 03/12/2024 17:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

NewName24 · 03/12/2024 17:47

He's your brother.
I don't understand why you can't say

a) can you put yourself a reminder to get dc2 a birthday card please, or not bother with either of them. It is upsetting for dc1 to get one each year and not dc2.

and

b) Let's make a decision what we are doing about presents, as I had assumed we would get them for each others' dc, but you haven't been, so shall we say "No present" for any of them from now on then ? What about Christmas ? As it seems a bit joyless to me, but it also seems very one-sided at the moment.

I don't understand people not being able to speak to their own siblings.

Fumbduck · 03/12/2024 17:47

RaspberryBeretxx · 03/12/2024 17:39

What would he do if you just stop sending gifts for his DC? If he mentions it then just say "oh, I thought we weren't doing gifts for DC?" and look confused. He can't then throw a huff without looking like a total hypocrite.

came on to say this!

Also wondering how Christmas gifts work?

ghostyslovesheets · 03/12/2024 17:48

Start sending a generic card for his kids - I spent years thinking about gifts from my sister, her DH and SS - only for her to forget all my kids birthdays and rarely buy anything for Christmas - I took the hint and reciprocated - far less stress now.

Lola247 · 03/12/2024 17:49

Did he buy a gift?

EssentiallyItsTrue · 03/12/2024 18:22

There is no need for this to be a big drama, if you don't won't to get his kids presents then don't. He doesn't want to get your kid a present so why try and force him.
Tell your lad that you all aren't doing presents any more. He will take your lead on how upset he is about it. If you are upset and cross about it then he will be but if you aren't then chances are he will just accept it.

AGoingConcern · 03/12/2024 18:23

I was raised in two extended families that didn’t do Christmas or birthday gifts between aunts/uncles/nieces/nephews/cousins/adult siblings despite everyone being extremely close so that seems perfectly normal to me. A quick call or text is plenty & couple of my aunts & uncles send cards and that’s lovely. Gift giving is only one of many ways to show love and I actually think it has even less weight when it becomes a perceived obligation around holidays and birthdays. I also think people just have a wide range of expectations around how big of a deal should be made of birthdays TBH - even two decades into adult life I’m still taken aback on a regular basis by what some people see as the norm.

But I do think it’s perfectly reasonable to (non-confrontationally) point out to your DB that one of your DC has been getting a card and the other hasn’t, and say “maybe you just don’t have a reminder set up for DC2?” That’s an easy fix and likely an oversight as you said.

And (while I definitely do not think gift giving needs to be symmetrical) if you’d like to scale down on what you do for his DC then it’s absolutely ok to do so. I wouldn’t do it as some sort of tit-for-tat message, though; your gift giving (or cards or visits or…) for your nieces & nephews is about your relationship with them. Don’t prioritize making a point to your DB over that relationship.

Anne1233212 · 03/12/2024 18:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Wendysfriend · 03/12/2024 18:30

It's rubbish isn't it. I have siblings similar and throw a strop if I miss their kids birthdays. I decided after last year and this year when we had a few big birthdays and to not even receive a text that I'm not bothering with any texts, cards, presents any more and that goes for the in-laws too.

Womblewife · 03/12/2024 18:32

Stop buying for his kids and send them all the same card . Let him see directly what he is doing.

Birch101 · 03/12/2024 18:34

Hey bro just to let you know we're not doing kids presents anymore

Happy to do a group outing and put the money on spending time together instead 😉

Done

Tired887 · 03/12/2024 18:37

I don't understand why you go to such lengths for his kids? Also, my DS' uncles and aunties don't buy him anything unless they see him really. And then it's something very small. It genuinely never occurred to me to expect more from siblings, I've never even thought about it before.

PassingStranger · 03/12/2024 18:40

Justk knock it on the head.
Why are you frightened of him getting mood he's not worried about you?

Coconutter24 · 03/12/2024 18:42

Tired887 · 03/12/2024 18:37

I don't understand why you go to such lengths for his kids? Also, my DS' uncles and aunties don't buy him anything unless they see him really. And then it's something very small. It genuinely never occurred to me to expect more from siblings, I've never even thought about it before.

I don't understand why you go to such lengths for his kids?

probably because she’s not giving them gifts for her DB sake, OPs buying because they are her Niece/nephews

SnoringNelly · 03/12/2024 18:49

I think you need to stop buying for his kids. I’m unsure if he does Xmas presents. If yes, just stick to giving them presents at Xmas in return.

I he doesn’t bother with Xmas either, I really would stop right now.

My brother is the same.

TipsyKoala · 03/12/2024 18:54

Just don’t buy presents for his kids. It’s not a big deal.

Caramilk · 03/12/2024 18:56

Ds (#3 having got two big sisters) only once received a present from one of his uncles, even the year we had seen them a week before and ds' birthday was discussed. His sisters got one about every 2-3 years.

How only received that because he then had a child and having sent his hugely expensive unasked for gift list for his child's birthday, my mil asked which we were choosing. So feeling a bit snarky, I said that I was going to sent a present proportional to the value of presents my dc had received that year. Which equalled nothing.

She obviously relayed this back to him because ds received a present and card three months late with aforementioned gift list repeated in the envelope. I chose a present not on the gift list, but about 5 times the price of ds', because his present was easily to be found on the shelves of the pound shop in town.

I don't think his uncle has every forgiven him for being a boy and depriving him of the chance to have the only grandsons, and certainly the first grandson.