Annoyed at DB thoughtless birthday gift

[Nicetinofgoodies]

I know I will get flamed for this but I don't care.

It was DC1's birthday last week and my brother, like every year, send a card from a website. He has been sending the same card every year for DC1 birthday. For reference DC1 now 10.

I make a special effort when it's his children's birthday to buy suitable gifts: dolls, toys, books, clothes. I feel like such a fool going to all this flaff when he cannot be bothered to do anything in return.

Nor has he ever sent any gift or a card for DC2, despite reminding him. I suspect he has a reminder on on a website for DC1 and not for DC2.

Am I right to feel annoyed? He has no money problems, his children all go to private school, it's just that he cannot be bothered

I agree with the "let's stop going presents for the kids" approach and explain why if he remonstrates.

Edited to add: it doesn't have to be a row or a thing (unless he is an unrealonable ass, in which you have a diffetent problem). Just a neutral statement to the effect od, you make minimal effort, so let's save the trouble.

My neices live abroad. They, and their family, are lovely, but we didn't see much of them. At one point BIL suggested that we stop doing presents (in both direction) because of the problem of choosing something suitable for someone whose changing interests you didn't know, and getting it to them. So we did. Amicable, sensible, no drama.

Gifts/cards for nieces/nephews are a bonus and not to be expected surely? We don’t send any cards/gifts to nieces/nephews unless invited to a party and wouldn’t expect any in return. Never really thought this was something relatives might expect tbh.

I never understand these threads. If you constantly make an effort for someone's birthday/Christmas etc and they don't reciprocate, then stop. End of

Because the OP wants to be a martyr rather than engage using communication skills.

My dB is the same, none of mine get even a birthday/Christmas card from him. I buy his dc Christmas/Easter/birthday presents because it's not dns fault he's a useless man child. I then never get a thank you but do get comments back that they were not impressed with the present (not expensive enough I spend £20-30, a card game which dn asked for as loves to play it at ours meant they had to play too) so all thoughtful gifts but never good enough. My dc actually asked me why I continue and I said because we rise above these things and your cousins haven't done anything to deserve not getting a gift. I am trying to rise above it it and think of my dns not my dB.

Bit weird not to say anything.

If doing anything makes you feel like 'such a fool', then stop doing it.

In these scenarios I can’t help but wonder what these people do for a living. Clearly lacking all the soft skills. Has a lack of critical thinking. Lazy. Can’t count the “humans to birthday cards” ratio.

Even if he’s a business owner. You have to be slightly likeable to win the clients.

And yet he has loads of money, sending his kids to private school

YANBU Op. but I’m a bit jealous that such a lazy human has such a decent paying job 😂

My dbro is terrible for this. He never sends anything, but I've always sent things his dcs really wanted, and not cheap things. Last year I said I would buy something from him for my kids if he did the same, but then ended up doing both! I've switched to gift cards for his dcs now for every occasion. I barely see/know his dcs and although they're lovely children, the faff and expense of sorting their gifts every occasion and then my own dcs getting zero from him, has put me off doing it anymore

I happily knocked niece and nephew gift giving on the head years ago! Just have the conversation to end both ways, much easier.

Thanks for the comments. I have decided to take a step back from the gift giving and restrict it to cards and stocking fillers for Xmas. I'd rather use to time and money for something else.

I get you’re annoyed with DB over your DC’s lack of gift - so I’d just tell him not to bother if he can’t remember both from now on.

Not sure I’d penalise my DNs by not buying them a gift out of pique that their dad is a twat, though. I’d buy my niece/nephew gifts from me/their cousins because our relationship with them is separate to the one we’d have with their father. Am also guessing that DB is divorced /separated as you don’t mention a SiL. Despite it being 2024, it still tends to be the wives who buy the gifts, so am guessing that she/the ex is no longer on hand to do this?

Again, I’d probably brush over DB’s lack of gifts going forward. If your DCs ask, just be honest - he’s a useless pratt who probably only remember’s his own kids birthdays because their mother reminds him.

So? Let him get huffy but you should still say something. Maybe by text, so he can have his huff without an audience.

Sounds like you need to throw a huff for a change.

Let him throw a huff. Then you huff more than he does. What have you got to lose?

I doubt he will - much more likely he will say "Yeah great!"

Men generally don't enjoy gift shopping or planning thoughtful gifts. They would be perfectly happy not to bother.

So what if he gets the huff, he’s being a prick.

So?