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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it wrong and does he know what he is doing?

29 replies

GreenVibes · 02/12/2024 22:40

My partner thinks he can have sex with me when he wants it. I can clearly say we are not having sex tonight and he says oh yes we are. He then starts to touch me and although I say no he says shut up! You know you will end up enjoying it anyway. So I end up getting enticed and we have sex. Half way through he does pause and ask if I want to keep going (is this to make himself feel better about ignoring my 'no') but people pleasing me goes along with it and by this point I guess I am enjoying it, I always say no it okay just keep going. He also grabs my boobs when he wants, if we are doing foreplay he is very rough with his fingers, I push his hands away and say no I can't do it that hard and he just flicks my hands off him or pins my arms down and continues. Is this so terribly wrong. Is it my fault for not setting boundaries and maybe he does genuinely think I enjoy it. I also have to sleep naked even though I hate it which he knows I hate. One time after a hard Nightshift he jumped into bed next to me and I turned away and said no please I need sleep. Next minute he has me on my front, bottoms off and does his thing. I froze couldn't say a word. He asked if I wanted him to stop and yet again a shook my head I just wanted it over with. Days later I told him how it made me feel and that it was wrong. He laughed it off at first then said it wouldn't happen again. It's so strange because I think I end up giving in now that it hasn't got to the point where he just flips me over but I think it's heading that way. I just think I'm numb and confused to it all now.

OP posts:
Precipice · 02/12/2024 22:42

He's sexually assaulting and raping you. He knows it. There's no misunderstanding. He treats you as a sex toy and with contempt.

Please leave this man, OP.

Notsurewhatithink · 02/12/2024 22:43

OP, I think you know already or you wouldn't be posting, but in case you need to hear it from someone else: it is wrong, on many levels. Do you feel you can leave him safely?

FuckItItsFine · 02/12/2024 22:43

It’s rape. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. He’s disgusting. You don’t need to live like this. You can leave him.

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 02/12/2024 22:45

Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

You have the right to bodily autonomy.

SuperfluousHen · 02/12/2024 22:45

LTB

TokyoSushi · 02/12/2024 22:46

He's a disgusting sex pest at best, and a rapist at worst, you absolutely need to leave this man.

SpryCat · 02/12/2024 22:47

Please leave this sexually abusive man, he treats your body as his own, dictates that you sleep naked and this relationship is all about control.

TheShellBeach · 02/12/2024 22:48

Oh OP.
That's rape.
He's a sex pest and he has had sex with you when you expressly said you wanted to go to sleep.

loobylou10 · 02/12/2024 22:50

God that's absolutely revolting. You have to leave

Mangocity · 02/12/2024 22:50

I'm so sorry.

Yes it is wrong. Yes he will know it's wrong. If he somehow doesn't, it's because he has no moral compass and is more evil, not less.

You need to leave him. Can you visit your local branch of Women's Aid?

GabriellaMontez · 02/12/2024 22:50

Hes a rapist.

Do you live together ? Whose house? Can you leave?

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 02/12/2024 22:51

I voted that you are BU OP, but only because you are allowing this to go on. This man is raping you, and fooling you into thinking his behaviour is acceptable, and that you HAVE to allow him to continue.

GET RID OF HIM!

He is a RAPIST!!

Tiswa · 02/12/2024 22:51

Yes it’s wrong and yes he knows what he is doing - not only is he assaulting and raping you he refuses to let you have any boundaries or autonomy in terms of how you sleep for your comfort which I actually think is particularly chilling because it shows exactly what he thinks

JingleB · 02/12/2024 22:53

You are being regularly sexually assaulted and raped. It’s no wonder you’ve shut down your responses.

Get in touch with Women’s Aid. They can help.

7ft1garysson · 02/12/2024 22:55

Oh no, he’s raping you repeatedly. No means no. Sending love and strength to you and hope you can find it within yourself to leave and report this rapist. Chances are, you are not the first person he’s done this to

MyrtleStrumpet · 02/12/2024 22:58

I would recommend a Live Chat with Women's Aid in the morning. It's open 0800-1800 M-F, 1000-1800 S & S.

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Live Chat | Women's Aid Live Chat

Women's Aid's live chat service lets women chat directly with a support worker

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk

AdviceNeeded2024 · 02/12/2024 23:10

Please look up consent OP. You don’t have to say ‘no’ out loud to not consent. You haven’t given yours, you are being pressured so this is rape. None of this is your fault, absolutely none of it and you’ve done nothing wrong. He doesn’t respect you and you are not a vessel for him to use, abuse and paw at whenever he feels like it or however he wants. You need to leave him.

GreenVibes · 02/12/2024 23:15

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I guess I knew in myself that it is wrong, I just needed to hear it from others I suppose. I try and see the good in absolutely everyone so I think I was just hanging onto hope that he would change. I've completely shut down and feel like my body doesn't belong to me anymore, such a strange feeling like my soul has gone. I am going to leave him, I guess I've just stuck around like an inflatable doll with no feeling left in me. I really appreciate every single reply to my post, I needed to hear it from others because quite frankly my brain has turned to mush.

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 02/12/2024 23:19

He’s treating you like a free prostitute. This is no way to live OP.

Ace56 · 02/12/2024 23:21

I’m so sorry OP. I hope this thread has given you the wake up call you need.

The feeling of ‘shutting down’ and disassociating from your body is typical for rape victims. It would probably help if you got some counselling once you have left him.

MyrtleStrumpet · 02/12/2024 23:21

I'm so sorry that he is doing this to you. Women's aid can help you and it sounds as though you're experiencing dissociation from your body. This is your brain trying to protect you and you will need support to get through this.

I appreciate you may not want to do what I'm about to suggest, and you must keep yourself safe, but if you leave your phone on record tonight and put it under your pillow, you could capture you saying no and him assaulting you and that could enough for you to call the police and have him arrested for rape.

But please be safe. Don't risk your safety.

AdviceNeeded2024 · 02/12/2024 23:22

GreenVibes · 02/12/2024 23:15

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I guess I knew in myself that it is wrong, I just needed to hear it from others I suppose. I try and see the good in absolutely everyone so I think I was just hanging onto hope that he would change. I've completely shut down and feel like my body doesn't belong to me anymore, such a strange feeling like my soul has gone. I am going to leave him, I guess I've just stuck around like an inflatable doll with no feeling left in me. I really appreciate every single reply to my post, I needed to hear it from others because quite frankly my brain has turned to mush.

Your feelings are completely valid after what you’ve been through, it’s a complete violation of your body and your trust. Please speak to someone in real life who can help you process this like women’s aid. They won’t pressure you into going to the police or anything like that but you will probably find it helpful to have support to talk through your feelings. I really wish you well OP 💐

NZDreaming · 02/12/2024 23:23

@GreenVibes im so sorry to hear you are in this situation. Others are right in that he is assaulting and coercing you, it is not consent. I’m glad you can see this but you are the third poster I have seen this year asking the same question so you are clearly not the only person experiencing such awful treatment at the hands of their partner.

Do you have real life support? Are you able to leave quickly? I would suggest arranging to leave and not talking to him, men like this can so easily become violent if they feel they have lost control over their partner. Please look after yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2024 23:25

@GreenVibes

The sooner you leave, the better. Do you have a plan? A friend or relative to help? I'm hoping and praying that this is a short/new relationship and that there are no children involved and no financial 'entangling'.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 02/12/2024 23:38

Sweetheart I'm so sorry. Get out as soon as you can.