RELATE is going into administration

[MereDintofPandiculation]

AIBU to be worried about this? I think I'm not. Over the last years we've become used to charities taking on services that one might have been expected would be provided by the state (foodbanks, hospices for example). It's worrying when the charities begin to fail

I think I also don't really see marriage counselling as a service which I would expect to be provided by the state - would you really put it in the same category as food banks and hospice care?

I've had an excellent experience with Relate of marriage counselling some years ago. They have a great many counsellors.

Hopefully the smaller charities will survive especially if the don’t have highly paid ceos such as the ceo of the Salvation Army on £502000 per year. I really don’t think any ceo is worth that much let alone a charity. Apparently Relate ceo was only 58000 but counsellors 100,000 plus…

The Charity Commission report shows that, in Relate, only one person in the organisation earns more than £60k.

The Charity Commission report shows that, in The Salvation Army, nobody earns more than £200k. For context, the CEO of a private company an equivalent size to the Salvation Army, would be earning at least 4 times more than £200k.

Please stop spreading lies about charities. You are damaging them and the causes they support.

I remember seeing a job advertised for manager of the local Relate. I was surprised at how low the pay was given their level of responsibility. Low pay makes it hard to attract people who have the skills and experience.

I also had a bad experience with Relate marriage counselling. The counsellor said me being upset (crying) while talking about ex’s affair upset HER so much she felt she couldn’t counsel us at all. Erm, ok… it was upsetting to me! I wasn’t abusive, loud or rude in the slightest btw, just crying quietly while he rewrote history.

My counsellor told me that my children's father hitting, shouting at and humiliating them on a more or less daily basis was a parenting difference. It delayed me leaving him by at least 6 months. Luckily Mumsnet helped me see it was abuse.

The article only mentions relate.

It matters for charities that do worthwhile things. Hospices for example.

A lot of charities aren't doing anything that vital. It depends.

Didn't Relate start as a religious charity? I wonder if that is why they were so behind the times when it came to abuse in marriage?

I'm going to speak up for them. My father was abusing my mother/family with what i now know to be gaslighting, manipulation and darvo. Everybody loved my father and thought he was wonderful but the counsellor saw right through him. My father refused to go back but my mother went twice more then couldn't afford it, however it gave her strength to know it wasn't her fault her marriage was so bad and she starting reading certain books. That counsellor/relate was a turning point for my mother.

That’s good to hear @PurpleSparkledPixie

It’s tricky because Relate had/has a multitude of therapists, with a multitude of couples going for counselling. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t.

My ex refused to see a counsellor that I’d found, and insisted on going to Relate. I had to go along with it in order for him to cooperate. As my ex had dug his heels in for so long, the marriage was no longer salvageable.

Looking back, it hadn’t been salvageable for a number of years.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-14153697/Relate-counselling-charity-therapists-abusive-partners.html
I am glad they are shutting. Outdated and in my experience misogynistic.

I had Relate counselling once. They were on the side of my emotionally abusive husband. There seemed to be a culture of encouraging people to stay together at any cost.

Surely it’s a bit like Health Visitors: it’s a service provided by an individual, to an individual. No one else witnesses what happens. Some people have a bad experience and tell everyone about it, thousands of others have a good experience and don’t mention it to anyone.

Same. Expensive too.

Not at all. Issues in relationships are often past stuff getting in the way. They can be down to vulnerabilities colliding. There are lots of ways a good therapist can help a couple, who are struggling to relate to each other, to make sense of all of this, own what’s theirs, and relate to each other more compassionately.

Tbf, to people saying that places like Relate plug in the gaps where the NHS fails, the NHS wouldn't offer therapy for the sorts of issues people go to Relate for.

The NHS exists to treat mental health problems such as depression, anxiety disorders, and severe mental illness. They don't offer relationship counselling or counselling around relationships, because that isn't a health problem.

People that would have gone to Relate can just find an accredited counsellor trained in couples therapy privately instead. Same rate.

We had a brilliant experience with a Relate counsellor, however it'll be a mixed bag as not every therapist is a good fit for every client, and there are bad apples of course.

The NHS doesn't offer bereavement counselling either (it offers treatment for depression, which may have been caused by a bereavement, sure, but not bereavement counselling itself) because that is a natural, normal, healthy human experience and not a mental health problem that needs to be treated.

I think a lot of people get things mixed up and presume the NHS is supposed to offer anything someone might want, free at the point of use, and it doesn't work like that.

Relate isn’t stopping anyway, the Guardian bit said that all the local branches will still be operating.

No I know all Relate fees are on a sliding income scale. I assumed the scale in the article was higher than that in the provinces.

Counselling is hit and miss. A lot of people who train to be counsellors need it themselves in my opinion.

It's always a shame if people are going to lose jobs. Also clients losing access to cheaper therapy.

Personally I went to a Relate counsellor with my abusive partner. We had one session alone and she basically slagged him off. I walked in the room and she said "what are you doing with this man" plus many other things. Seemed unprofessional but I was glad she could see what was happening and I felt validated. The next session we had together, she didn't challenge him on anything (never did). Didn't even flinch when he said cheating on me when pregnant didn't count as I had a miscarriage. Oh and it wasnt even a proper miscarriage because I didn't even bleed". I just felt her silence gave him power as he just dominated the whole session.

On the other hand, I'm doing counselling training and was looking at training with Relate. Obviously not anymore!

Good. Paid them money for counselling. They did not deliver the counselling and kept my money.

Wow, didn’t they give you a refund? Or was it in the early days of Covid when everything went a bit pear shaped? Although you should still get a refund.

@Anonanon14
Surely it will still be possible to train with them if all the local branches are carrying on?

On the back of this thread, I emailed the terrible counsellor who we had at Relate. Been meaning to for several years.

He plainly couldn’t spot DA if it slapped him around the chops. I wrote a very analytical email (devoid of any emotion) about what had happened before, what I’d told him in my 1-2-1 with him, what I couldn’t therefore explain once the ex was back in the room, and the overall consequences.

I asked him to be very aware that if anyone confiding in abuse comes to him, to stop the sessions and ask the ‘abusee’ to contact the police.

Im now fully conversant with the situation I was in… I was less so at the time.

I said he didn’t need to reply, but he did. He was apologetic.

The particular branch we went to closed during Covid, and he no longer has access to the notes… but I really hope it’s served as a massive wake up call and that nobody else under his care suffers the way I did.

Does anyone go for marriage guidance anymore?
People just split up don't they?