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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me articulate this to DH

40 replies

Corfeking · 02/12/2024 19:16

I need help articulating something to DH (or to be told IABU!)

Im really bad at any confrontation and DH loves it so inevitably I leave all discussions feeling like he’s said loads and I said nothing.

Im sure this problem is common but I’m on mat leave and DH is working, he is out of the house all day so I do most childcare and look after the house. I don’t begrudge that he works hard and he hates his job. Some days I find childcare really draining and tiring as I’m still sorting out washing or washing up at 10pm. Whenever I mention I’m unhappy to DH he always just tells me to go back to work and he will be off. I don’t want that to happen as I love spending time with DD however I just want someone to acknowledge it’s hard? He said he will never do this as working is equally difficult.

How do I articulate how draining it is to be doing everything else and how it can’t all always be left? His other response is to just ‘let it go’ but this can’t happen indefinitely? How do I get this through to him? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 02/12/2024 19:19

Pull your weight you idle fucker or I will divorce you. And you will have the children 50/50.

Sorry OP, this isn't an 'understanding' issue. It's a piss taking husband one. He knows and he doesn't care.

Treacletoots · 02/12/2024 19:21

Also, how does he know working is as hard if he's never tried the alternative. He's wrong BTW. A days work in the office is much much easier

WaylandNewt · 02/12/2024 19:21

@Corfeking do you have a preference wheather eg grammerly is used as an assistant to me giving you a reply to help

FetchezLaVache · 02/12/2024 19:22

Im really bad at any confrontation and DH loves it

My goodness lovely, that alone sounds difficult to endure.

The fact is that there isn't a finite amount of hardship to share between a couple and it can be true that you both find life a bit tough at times. He sounds like a bit of an arse TBH. Does he at least pull his weight with DD? When are you due to return to work?

napody · 02/12/2024 19:25

You can't articulate it. Remember how people try and explain how knackering it is to you before you have a baby? Did you get it then?

Engineer a good long day with him caring for baby alone. 7am-9pm if you can manage it. A keeping in touch day at work with dinner with colleagues afterwards?

He'll get it then.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 02/12/2024 19:25

He has a finish time. You don’t!

Original poster
Corfeking · 02/12/2024 19:31

He has had DD for half a day of so alone but always declares they’ve had a great time and that he would love to be looking after her which is probably true, so I then feel bad about complaining. But it is still difficult.

OP posts:
bluebeck · 02/12/2024 19:33

Strategic flu? At a time when any ILS who might help are on holiday…

napody · 02/12/2024 19:34

Did he do everything you'd do in that half a day? I still reckon try a day, or a weekend.

If he genuinely finds it easy to keep on top of baby care and household stuff, and wants to split parental leave, I don't think there's a good reason to stop him. Having an engaged father of your child who's truly splitting the load could be a good thing when you do go back to work.

IF he does everything you'd do. Big if.

User364837 · 02/12/2024 19:35

I think it might be hard for him to give you the acknowledgement and empathy you need when you’ve had a hard day, if he is envious of you having time at home with dd and is not enjoying his job.

It’s not hugely unreasonable for him to say “ok then I’ll do it!”.

the grass is always greener - from his point of view why should it be you off completely and him working full time? Can you both work part time and share care of dd?

User364837 · 02/12/2024 19:37

Also are you a family of 3? I’ve got to admit I’m a bit surprised you’re still doing stuff at 10pm if you’re not working at all and have one child. Can’t it wait till tomorrow or the weekend?

Original poster
Corfeking · 02/12/2024 19:42

Yes there’s three of us but DD is only 6 months old so I don’t get much done in the day.

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 02/12/2024 19:46

Personally I would call his bluff and ask him to sort out paternal leave and you go back to work early. Then I would do exactly as he has done and insist he does what you do

it will be the only way he understands

Original poster
Corfeking · 02/12/2024 19:50

I don’t want to go back to work because I don’t want to sacrifice time with DD though. Or is this the only way to get him to show any empathy?

By the way, it won’t work because he’ll just do what he tells me to do and ‘let it go’. Eg, if he gives dd a bath, he’ll just leave the water in, towels on the floor, toys and dirty nappy everywhere. If I’m tidying it he tells me to just ‘let it go’. That’s an example where I struggle to tell him that this stuff does matter.

OP posts:
Wellingtonspie · 02/12/2024 19:51

I think your both coming from the other end.

He loves his one day and would kill for more so doesn’t understand that you find what he wants hard.

You do 6 days and want more help but you are also not willing to give him more time home. You want your full mat leave but him to give more. sounds like a lose lose to him, no more time with baby but more chores when you get to stay home.

I also don’t understand washing up and other stuff at 10pm. It’s done by 7pm or it’s tomorrow morning job and there are five of us, dh goes out to work and I work from home. Same when I didn’t work and was just a sahm if it wasn’t done by childrens bedtime I did it tomorrow as that was then my evening.

Wellingtonspie · 02/12/2024 19:53

Also if you can afford it get a cleaner if it’s that much of a problem. 2 hours a week.

But you cannot say I can’t go back to work because I cannot possible be apart from DD but then be confused why he cannot understand your position when he wants to be home with her too.

Original poster
Corfeking · 02/12/2024 19:55

So I just have to be miserable doing all of the chores as a result of being on mat leave? DH doesn’t have DD one day per week btw he’ll have her a few hours if I ask.

OP posts:
Wellingtonspie · 02/12/2024 19:58

Then go out for the full Day show him.

His never going to understand your side of the argument if it’s all sunshine and roses when his off.

My dh though he loved his two weeks off admitted more than 2 weeks and he would be climbing the walls. Your dh seems to want to be home more. show him it’s hard by giving him that time but be warned he may not find it hard.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 02/12/2024 19:58

I suggest you start 'letting it go' as he suggests by stopping doing anything for him!

He should be doing his share in the evening. When you are doing stuff at 10pm where is he?!

And crap is it just as hard at work. He probably gets lunch breaks and time to pee on his own!

PullTheBricksDown · 02/12/2024 20:01

Corfeking · 02/12/2024 19:50

I don’t want to go back to work because I don’t want to sacrifice time with DD though. Or is this the only way to get him to show any empathy?

By the way, it won’t work because he’ll just do what he tells me to do and ‘let it go’. Eg, if he gives dd a bath, he’ll just leave the water in, towels on the floor, toys and dirty nappy everywhere. If I’m tidying it he tells me to just ‘let it go’. That’s an example where I struggle to tell him that this stuff does matter.

As said above stop doing things for him. His washing, meals, etc. Then tell him to 'let it go'

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 02/12/2024 20:12

And crap is it just as hard at work. He probably gets lunch breaks and time to pee on his own!

Not necessarily. Tbh I found mat leave (and the year I spent as a SAHM with toddler) an absolute piece of cake compared with working full time. And that was in a job I liked. If he's working really hard in a job he hates, I can see why he finds it hard to hear that being at home is hard, especially if he feels he'd like to be at home with his child. However, that's no excuse for making a mess and not clearing up after himself. I get that you're doing all the chores during the week atm, OP, but mat leave won't be that long. He should definitely be pulling his wright at the weekend though!

Pamspeople · 02/12/2024 20:22

He sounds horrible, lacking empathy, not kind at all. Why can't he make any attempt to understand or just acknowledge how you're feeling? Is he that unkind generally?

User364837 · 02/12/2024 23:11

“All the chores”? Do you live in a particularly big house? I’m struggling to understand how someone can not juggle looking after a 6mos old and doing a bit of housework each day to keep on top of things and why you’d have to be doing anything in the evening.
And he should be helping at the weekends definitely but yes sorry if you are not working and he is working full time (and you’re not prepared to share parental leave) then surely yes you kind of do need to do the chores.
looking after one 6 month old baby really isn’t a full time job.

User364837 · 02/12/2024 23:12

Pamspeople · 02/12/2024 20:22

He sounds horrible, lacking empathy, not kind at all. Why can't he make any attempt to understand or just acknowledge how you're feeling? Is he that unkind generally?

I do see that it’s feeling like this to you.
But I can also see his point of view.

NinaGeiger · 02/12/2024 23:24

"I just want someone to acknowledge it’s hard? He said he will never do this as working is equally difficult."

This is the bit that struck me. It doesn't matter if he's doing something equally difficult. It's not a competition. The correct response when someone you love says something is hard, is never "I won't acknowledge that because I'm doing something equally hard."

I'm on mat leave and my husband has a really hard job and he's never spoken like this once.

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