Help me articulate this to DH

[Corfeking]

I need help articulating something to DH (or to be told IABU!)

Im really bad at any confrontation and DH loves it so inevitably I leave all discussions feeling like he’s said loads and I said nothing.

Im sure this problem is common but I’m on mat leave and DH is working, he is out of the house all day so I do most childcare and look after the house. I don’t begrudge that he works hard and he hates his job. Some days I find childcare really draining and tiring as I’m still sorting out washing or washing up at 10pm. Whenever I mention I’m unhappy to DH he always just tells me to go back to work and he will be off. I don’t want that to happen as I love spending time with DD however I just want someone to acknowledge it’s hard? He said he will never do this as working is equally difficult.

How do I articulate how draining it is to be doing everything else and how it can’t all always be left? His other response is to just ‘let it go’ but this can’t happen indefinitely? How do I get this through to him? Or AIBU?

Why don’t you make it fairer and split earnings g money and care if DD more equally?

Then you will both understand and support one another instead of trying to compete for who works hardest.

It’s great for the child to have two equally involved parents too.

Gosh, this brings back memories of a bemused (now ex)H who could only see mess if ‘I’ made it, but leaving strewn towels and a filthy high chair was cherished family time for him. He had no sense of joint responsibility for a clean, happy home.

Are you getting equal amounts of sleep?
Everything's infinitely harder if you don't get enough sleep. Often dads claim it's easy looking after a baby sll day, because the occasions when they do it, they've had enough sleep each night for the last six months and more, plus their bodies haven't been through anything whatsoever and they aren't breastfeeding. Of course it's much easier, then.

im petty and I'd say to DH you've planned a girls day and night and you'll be staying over a friend's and instead take yourself off to a hotel for the night. catch up on sleep and watch tv, have a nice long relaxing bath and let him see how difficult it is keeping house 🤭

You're on maternity leave, not housework leave. When his work day finishes, the domestic roles are shared. Ignore posters who say "just" looking after a 6 month old and doing a bit of housework shouldn't be draining. It is. It is relentless. But you're not exclusively on duty 24/7. Or you shouldn't be anyway. It appears you are, and that your "partner" is an arse. As other posters have said, go out all day, come home after pub closing time. See how he fared.

Or this!

I really struggled with the same. Your job is to look after the child not the house. I tried to explain, but he just didn’t understand. So I changed the way I did the house work. I kept the place going through the week, and left most of it for the weekend when he could watch the kids.

Subtly start to drop the things he likes, when he notices say, "sorry I was busy doing all of the washing". Don't do the thinking/reminding/life admin time for him. Gradually pull back so he needs to adult-up. When he does be appreciative, but also tell him what you do so you are acknowledged. "It's great you brought that down, I'll put the wash on if you can feed the baby". Stand back more, be more verbal - clear messages.

But you are happy for him to work and sacrifice time with DD?

He hates his job. Go back to work & see how it works out.

Yeah that sounds good.

"What's for tea?"
"Have I got any clean pants/ shirts/ socks?"
"Have you bought my parents' Christmas presents?"

"I don't know - that's something I let go."

Channelling, as I mentioned in another thread today: It's beyond my control

If you really hated your job and your DH was staying at home with your DC all day (which you would live to do) and moaning about it, wanting to tell you how unhappy he was and how draining he finds it, what would you say to him?

He needs to pull his weight more after work so you’re not doing chores at 10pm. He is like a teenager leaving dirty bath water in and not clearing up. I remember those kind of arguments with my ex when I was on mat leave. He’s never going to see your point, but you need to change your point and start telling him he needs to contribute more to the housework. Mat leave isn’t for doing all the housework, but most women do as the men lay it on thick about how hard it is for them going to work all day

You should both have equal leisure time.

So if he clocks off at 7pm (after work and baby’s bedtime) then has 3 hours every 24 hours to himself, watching tv etc, you should also have those 3 hours. Eg you both do cleaning 7-8pm and then have 2 hours leisure each!

But would he also be doing all the housework?

It's very different looking after a DC for a few hours when that's all you're doing.