My parents want to know what I am doing all the time

[longlocks]

I am 42 years old, an only child and live alone. Currently unemployed. My parents live a mile away. I do love them but wish they stop ringing me all the bloody time and demand what I am doing all the time. I find this annoying

Today, I had to go into the city centre do some things. All recruitment/job related. During this time, my phone was on silent. My parents rang me three times both on my mobile. They were that concerned after going somewhere, they went to my home and my DM moved my washing on the rack. I saw them about 200m from the bus stop I got off and DF pulled into a side street saying we have been trying to contact you all day. Yet they refuse to disclose where they been earlier on that day. I said to them, if you refuse to disclose where you have been, its ok for me to do the same. DM was not impressed with the answer.

They were the same when I was working. Finished work at 4pm, took me 10 mins to get home. They rang by 4:20pm. They weren't impressed if I didn't answer the phone as stopped off to get fuel, collect prescriptions etc on the way home.

Parents are helping with payment of a few bills. I am grateful for their help but the constant they need to know my location is annoying.

How do I break it nicely without upsetting them that the constant ringing me needs to be reduced.

I think you need to upset them or they risk you snapping and cutting them off all together.

You are 42…why haven’t you told them earlier? Is this behaviour new?

So enmeshed it’s scary @longlocks you need to draw boundary lines asap!!

They have been like this since I can remember. Even when I was with my ex, they acted like this which pissed my ex off. Though there was 75 mile distance then.

I do love my parents but the constant ringing me is getting to me. I don't want to upset them or feel they are upsetting me.

I am also an only child with quite involved parents OP, so I understand this. However you HAVE to put boundaries in - sounds like you should have done this years ago tbh. Why didn’t you address the fact they called you at 4.20pm every day? You should have said “that isn’t a convenient time for you to call as I might not be home by then, and even if I am, I’d like some time to have a cuppa tea and go to the loo thanks! I also don’t really need to speak to you every day. Why don’t we call on Tuesdays and Fridays at 7pm?”

Yes, this can happen to only children - especially daughters. Sons usually get a free pass and aren't so "entwined" with their parents. You don't want to go NC because you obviously love them and I assume they are basically nice people. Could you manage without their financial help? I say this because it does blur the boundaries somewhat, particularly at your age. Is either one of them more open to reason than the other, because you really do need to talk to them about this before it explodes. There's no other way round it.

I don't think I can survive without their financial help when not working.

They are the sort of people that want to help people when they are alive, not dead.

Ask them whether:

A) they haven't realised that at 42 you are an adult who is capable of making your own decisions

and

B) they provided their own families (parents, grandparents etc.) with such a running commentary on their day when they were 42?

Tell them when they fumble over the answers that you don't intend to give them a daily itinerary like that. If they want anything then you'll usually be available at whatever hour of the evening but you don't expect them to hassle you over it.

Fair enough. My mother was like this (although not quite as bad) until I was 50 when I sat her down and spoke to her. It took a lot of courage, which I'm sure you'll understand, and I expected her to never speak to me again or to spend the rest of her life crying uncontrollably! Actually, although she wasn't exactly delighted, she took it on board and things calmed down. It might be different for you though as you have both parents to contend with. My mum was a widow. Edited to add that I'm also an only child.

Maybe the constant surveillance is the price you have to pay for their financial.help. are they the strings attached type of helpers?
Do you think you can cope with it if you see it as a necessary evil in order to get the help you need?

Ideally you'd tell them to back off and stop monitoring you but if you really would starve without their help and their help comes with strings then maybe you have to suck it up while you get back on your feet.

If, otoh, they are genuinely nice people who are overprotective but not controlling then it would be easier to tell them to back off without them holding their financial help over your head.

So what type of people are they? Is their help given freely, with love and without strings or is it a means to control you?

OP you know and love your parents. What do you think might help them see how exhausting this is for you and how unhealthy a dynamic has evolved?

Can you frame it as concern for their anxiety?
Express how overwhelming it is for you?
Explain how unusual this is and that at 42 you need your own autonomy and freedom?
Wonder why they feel the need to be watching your every step?

You do need to address this. From a place of love and kindness because you do all love one another and they are helping you financially. Maybe try one approach from above and then put in a clear boundary that you will call at x O’clock each day ( or whatever) but unfortunately they can’t be watching their daughter every minute of the day because you are an adult.

Then stick to it.

If your mum moved the washing, I'm assuming they have a key to your house? I'd take that off them. If you need to keep a spare key somewhere, put it in a key safe that only you know the combination for.

So they have a key to your home and let themselves in in addition to the phone calls? You need to get that back for a start.

My parents have a spare key as I have no other relatives living nearby. Once my parents are no longer alive, that's my family gone.

There are family alive but they are like parents' cousins' children. Only see them about once every few years.

I think if I remove their spare key off them, that would be horrific consequences.

I'm not quite sure I understand the connection between you having no other family and your parents needing a spare key? I'm not sure why you having no relatives once they are gone as to do with anything. You're a grown woman of 42, only child or not you need to set firm boundaries with your parents and not let yourself be such a doormat. You have a right to live in your home without them coming and going into it as they please.

Why would be there be a horrific consequences? You're a grown woman, not a child.

I think if I remove their spare key off them, that would be horrific consequences

I don't think your relationship with your parents is normal or healthy. You sound incredibly enmeshed with them and they're controlling weirdos.

You're 42 years old. None of this is normal. Your parents' behaviour would be excessive even if you were (eg) 16. You're a grown adult. You seem to have zero boundaries.

Unless you have a serious medical problem, or a chronic health condition, I don't understand why they need a key Op. Surely since you're in your 40s your DPs understand you need your privacy, or do they still see you as a child. They do seem to be very controlling Op, they really don't have a legitimate reason to know where you are all the time

Yeah, this. I don't understand the connection to relatives and your domineering parents having your house key.
What 'horrific consequences'?
I don't have siblings or relatives apart from one awful parent. It's fine, I'm a grown woman and chose my own family and boundaries.
Say no. Be vague. Be less available.

Is there any relevant background you are not telling us, eg you have a serious physical or mental health condition which might explain why they get so anxious if you are not contactable?

Otherwise, this sounds like an extremely controlling, unhealthy relationship, and you need to assert your independence as an adult. Perhaps you may need to wait until you have a new job and financial independence again, but this sounds suffocating in the long term.

My late mother was a bit like this but not quite as extreme. I had to push back and assert my boundaries many times over the years.

Cut those apron strings, now

OMG this would drive me bonkers

You tell them to stop.
If they continue, i'd tell them that they are harassing you and you will call the police.

I would work very hard to become financially independent as quickly as possible. If you being unemployed is not a long term thing, then that would be a big win to establish your independence. At the same time I think a conversation is needed to establish boundaries. You are 42 and their behaviour is not normal, however you don’t seem to have expressed to them that it bothers you. Start now and slowly but surely practice your boundaries so they understand you mean business.

Call the police? When they are paying her bills and she hasn’t yet had a conversation with them about boundaries. I think the problem is not that the parents are harassing her, it’s that she has never put any boundaries in place despite being aware of the problem for years.

Yikes. You need to rely on them as little as possible going forward, because they are treating you like a child.

Hi OP, I am not much help but a line from a song came to mind:

can’t you see that you’re smothering me? Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control…