My parents want to know what I am doing all the time

[longlocks]

I am 42 years old, an only child and live alone. Currently unemployed. My parents live a mile away. I do love them but wish they stop ringing me all the bloody time and demand what I am doing all the time. I find this annoying

Today, I had to go into the city centre do some things. All recruitment/job related. During this time, my phone was on silent. My parents rang me three times both on my mobile. They were that concerned after going somewhere, they went to my home and my DM moved my washing on the rack. I saw them about 200m from the bus stop I got off and DF pulled into a side street saying we have been trying to contact you all day. Yet they refuse to disclose where they been earlier on that day. I said to them, if you refuse to disclose where you have been, its ok for me to do the same. DM was not impressed with the answer.

They were the same when I was working. Finished work at 4pm, took me 10 mins to get home. They rang by 4:20pm. They weren't impressed if I didn't answer the phone as stopped off to get fuel, collect prescriptions etc on the way home.

Parents are helping with payment of a few bills. I am grateful for their help but the constant they need to know my location is annoying.

How do I break it nicely without upsetting them that the constant ringing me needs to be reduced.

Wow that is intense. I would learn not to rely on them financially then set some boundaries

If you can’t ask for your key back can you lock that door with a chain and go out say a back door, then they can’t get in when you are out. Start setting some boundaries so you see them at theirs once a week they come to yours once a week something like that. And in between just a text a couple of times a week, if they ask what you are doing you say applying for jobs.

This is really great advice.

@longlocks why are they letting themselves into your house????? there is no need for them to have a key unless you are going on holiday! dont tell them anything about your life! they are way too nosey!

Can you conveniently be having sex with a tall, dark, handsome man next time they barge in with their key....
Just change the bloody locks and don't tell them!

My parents can be like this. Very demanding, needy and treat me like a kid. I find it suffocating.
I am reading all these replies with interest

God this would drive me mad.

This.

I had a similar dynamic with my mother. She died a few years ago and honestly it made me realise how dysfunctional our relationship was. I lived with her until I was 34 mainly because I was so afraid of upsetting her. (Only child here too).

You have to ask yourself why you’re so afraid of upsetting them. It’s okay to upset them - they’re not afraid to upset you. You have to accept that in an attempt to change things they are going to be upset and that’s okay.

Is there any way you could take out a 0% interest credit card or something to sort out whatever it is they’re helping you with financially so they don’t have that hold over you?

My parents were like this and I'm also an only child.

Eventually I had a mental health crisis and refused to speak to them at all for several weeks.

When we started again I was in therapy and there were clear boundaries from the start.

You will have to upset them but remember they need you. They are not going to dump you if you change the rules. They can rant for a bit but ultimately you hold all the cards.

It took a while but my DM (she was the worst offender) and I are now really close and happy in our relationship. Keep remembering you are 40 and a full grown adult.

Did you read my post? Obviously she would have a conversation first and tell them to stop. Then I would say it's harassment and I could call the police if they don't stop (obviously not actually call the police, but should make them realise what they're doing).

This is going to take a bit of unravelling. First off, what is it other than being out of work that means you are financially dependent on them? Because that needs sorting, whether it's by drastically cutting your outgoings so you can survive for now on benefits, or taking any temp job you can get over Christmas. Once you are out from under that, you can work on setting better boundaries.

I suspect your parents haven't got enough going on in their life OP - so it's all focussed on you

I think you are going to have to have a loving but frank conversation- tell them you hugely appreciate their help but are finding it slightly claustrophobic needing to 'check in ' all the time, especially at a stressful time at 42. Just say 'could we all cool it slightly, as I find im needing some mental space at the moment' - how about I call you every other day in the evening unless it's something urgent

There are no temp jobs for Christmas here at all.

Could you get a ring doorbell and when they turn up tell them you’re at an appointment and absolutely fine. Failing that just text them whenever you’re going out but tell them you will be out longer.

I agree with everyone else OP, that this is massively unhealthy.

I'd do whatever you can to make yourself financially independent.
Take the spare key back. I appreciate that this will probably upset them and you might have to put up with tantrums but it's not up to you to manage your parents' emotions. If they refuse to give it back, change the locks. Leave a spare key with a neighbour or a friend instead.

Set very clear boundaries about when you will see them and when they can ring. If it's inconvenient ignore them.

If their response is to back off and not bother with you any more (which was my parents' response in a similar dysfunctional relationship) then do not weaken. They think they can make you comply to their wishes and you will come back being the dutiful daughter. Stand firm!

You mentioned horrific consequences.

What is it that you most fear your parents doing or saying, OP?

I ask this because the reality is that there is probably no way that you can see boundaries with your parents / ask them to change without a high likelihood of them becoming upset, angry or both. They are used to having a high level of access to you and your life. They will find change hard. Therefore if you want anything to change in your own life, you have to risk a bad reaction from them. There's no way round this.

If your worst fear is that they will withdraw financial support then I suspect you can work with that... either by putting up with them and waiting until you have a job before approaching any issues with them, or by adjusting your lifestyle as much as you can so that you no longer rely on their money. I realise that the second option might not be doable - I don't know your situation.

If your worst fear is something else - that they will shout, or express disapproval, or make you feel small, or cry, or withdraw all communication for a while... my advice would be to play through that worst case scenario in your head a few times and ask yourself questions like what would happen next? Will they (or you) get over it? Is the reaction you imagine, however upsetting, really worth spending the rest of your life being treated like this?

Loving someone does not mean doing everything they say or rushing around out of fear that they will be 'unimpressed' with you. It is possible - and sometimes necessary - for us to stand up to the people we love. Any adult relationship is about what the people on both sides of that relationship want and need.

It is so hard as I get the impression you have probably been quite conditioned into feeling very anxious or afraid or worried about getting disapproval from your parents / not meeting their expectations. Be really specific about what you fear so it doesn't just seem like unmanageable nameless dread.

A final question: what do your parents have going on in their lives? It sounds like they've built so much around you that it will be difficult for them to let go. But this is their responsibility, not yours. No child owes their parents complete knowledge of and control over their lives.

Change your locks and don't give your parents a key, for starters!

Whilst I can totally see your point (and had this to some extent with my own parents), I wonder if you've left it too long to do anything about. I can see it would cause major ructions if you took their key off of them for example. I can see it's intrusive when they round though. I can also understand that you don't want to fall out with your only family and your elderly parents.

Could you try to manage them better by telling them in advance (even if you make it up). "I'm going to be in town until 5pm so no point ringing, then don't answer your phone til 5:30 to hopefully "train" them. When they call "Oh I told you I wasn't around".

Could you identify a reason for the calls? Are they worried about you for example? (even if you don't think that is reasonable). Do you think some harm may come to you? Are they lonely or bored? Perhaps identifying why they call could help stop them.

What has your washing got to do with them ringing you

Well they pay some of the ops bills so maybe they want to stop?

Your parents sadly sound like they have empty lives. And I’m not sure how their marriage is, but it seems like they are clinging to you like a life raft.
If they had their own friends, interests and hobbies then this wouldn’t be happening.
For them to be tag-team calling you they are probably sitting and discussing you for hours as well.
It is really not healthy for them, before even thinking about what it’s doing to you.
At some point in the future, they are both going to require care and I would bet my house they have already discussed it and that you will expected to provide it. You could be in your 50s/60s by then, and so much of your life will have been lost to this control.
It is so very unfair on you. They should want you to have a life of your own. They should trust you as an adult. It’s clear the financial help isn’t the issue because they were the same when you had a job.
Having some therapy would help, although I understand it would be hard to finance a private therapist right now.
You deserve your own life, OP.