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AIBU?

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Original poster

How can you tell if people are being passive aggressive?

37 replies

Errors · 02/12/2024 06:41

Or do I just overthink everything and assume people are having a pop at me when perhaps they’re not?

Long story, but I was texting a friend of mine the other day about a gentleman that had fitted my new bathroom. He had done a fair bit of work for me on my house and when I moved in, he bought me a card and a bottle of alcohol as a home warming present. I thought this was a nice gesture. He then tried to call me the morning after - I missed his call and forget to call him back and he had text me to say he hoped I wasn’t offended by the card and that it was a gesture of thanks for all the work and nothing more. I had absolutely no idea where he got that from and told him of course I wasn’t offended!
Anyway, I sent a screenshot of the convo to
my friend with a ‘😂🤦‍♀️’ emoji. She came back to say poor guy probably worries about offending everyone these days and that was it.

But then twenty mins later, her partner (who I am also friends with although admittedly not as close) text me a meme saying something about bees wouldn’t be able to convince flies that pollen is better than shit. Completely randomly.
I spent all last night worrying that he is saying that I am the piece of shit for some reason. I am overthinking it aren’t I??

OP posts:
bluebeck · 02/12/2024 06:47

I’m so sorry but I don’t understand. I get the first part, slightly embarrassing misunderstanding between yourself and workman, no harm done.

But your friends husband sending you a weird meme? I don’t understand the bees and flies thing. And why would it be connected to what happened?

HoundsOfSmell · 02/12/2024 06:48

Ask him what he means by the meme.

I recon they both think the builder was making advances but you’re unable to see it

Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 06:52

HoundsOfSmell · 02/12/2024 06:48

Ask him what he means by the meme.

I recon they both think the builder was making advances but you’re unable to see it

I was worried it was the other way around, that they thought that I thought he was making advances and they think I am wondering around thinking I am some god’s gift to men (which of course I don’t) and that’s why they’re saying it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 06:53

bluebeck · 02/12/2024 06:47

I’m so sorry but I don’t understand. I get the first part, slightly embarrassing misunderstanding between yourself and workman, no harm done.

But your friends husband sending you a weird meme? I don’t understand the bees and flies thing. And why would it be connected to what happened?

I’m not sure about the bees and pollen thing either. I suppose it could be completely unrelated and he just thought it was a clever meme he wanted to share. And that’s kind of my point, I’ve leapt straight to thinking the worst

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 02/12/2024 06:59

I had absolutely no idea where he got that from

Probably from the fact that an unanswered call and no call back following a gift made it look to him like you were ignoring him and he worried he'd overstepped or offended you, I'd imagine.

The friend's partner? Well, if someone sends me a message or a meme I don't understand, I generally reply with, "I don't understand." And then they explain.

You're making life very difficult for yourself, you know.

gamerchick · 02/12/2024 06:59

Why are you worried that you've done something and not annoyed that this bloke is sending you stuff like that? That meme he sent you isn't very nice.

Devilsmommy · 02/12/2024 07:02

Exactly what @gamgamerchick said. That's a really shitty meme

WonderingWanda · 02/12/2024 07:05

Friends partner sounds like a bit of a prick, not sure what he was trying to insinuate with that meme but you're right, it doesn't feel entirely friendly. Is it normal for him to send you messages? Block him and move on. Btw that's not passive aggressive it's just being mean.

Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 07:07

GreyCarpet · 02/12/2024 06:59

I had absolutely no idea where he got that from

Probably from the fact that an unanswered call and no call back following a gift made it look to him like you were ignoring him and he worried he'd overstepped or offended you, I'd imagine.

The friend's partner? Well, if someone sends me a message or a meme I don't understand, I generally reply with, "I don't understand." And then they explain.

You're making life very difficult for yourself, you know.

I agree I am making life difficult for myself.
Maybe I will try and ask him to explain it

OP posts:
Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 07:08

WonderingWanda · 02/12/2024 07:05

Friends partner sounds like a bit of a prick, not sure what he was trying to insinuate with that meme but you're right, it doesn't feel entirely friendly. Is it normal for him to send you messages? Block him and move on. Btw that's not passive aggressive it's just being mean.

Yes, we do text back and forth a bit. Usually podcast recommendations and shared political views. At first I thought the meme was relating to some of that - almost like he was saying that other people may not agree with our opinions because they can’t see what’s ‘better’ (although I don’t agree with his stance on that)

OP posts:
Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 07:09

For context:

How can you tell if people are being passive aggressive?
OP posts:
Justleaveitblankthen · 02/12/2024 07:10

Yes, your friends' partner should butt out 🤨
But I would send a one word reply: 'Explain?'

MrsSchnickelfritz · 02/12/2024 07:10

I had to Google that meme/expression and it doesn't seem to relate to your situation at all. I also don't see how it can mean you're a piece of shit either - that's a wild leap to make.

It seems to be about knowing your worth and not trying to convince 'flies' to like honey, you should focus on 'bees' instead. I don't see how it relates to the bathroom fitter at all.

WonderingWanda · 02/12/2024 07:11

Ah, so maybe it is relating to politics then? It sounds like it's not just out of the blue. Seeing it there I don't think the conclusion you've jumped to is correct at all now. __

jollyhollyday · 02/12/2024 07:15

I would read that meme as them saying the workman likes you but you haven't noticed?

Sort of even if you were told
The workman likes you, you wouldn't believe it?

Seems a bit mean meme in that context but maybe I'm wrong here too - I'd ask him to clarify for sure otherwise that'll bug you Grin

Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 07:19

Also, the workman is a sweet old man so I don’t think that there is anything untowards in his gesture

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 02/12/2024 07:20

Errors · 02/12/2024 07:07

I agree I am making life difficult for myself.
Maybe I will try and ask him to explain it

Show quote history

Tbh, other people seem to have an idea what it means - I haven't got a clue!

I also quite often just ignore ore memes if I don't understand them. They're a really irritating way for people to communicate!

GreyCarpet · 02/12/2024 07:24

Errors · 02/12/2024 07:19

Also, the workman is a sweet old man so I don’t think that there is anything untowards in his gesture

In response to this, I'd say, beware the 'sweet old man' they have dicks and wish to stick them in women just as much as the men who make no secret of that.

Also, "I hope I haven't offended you," is one of the ways in which they try to elicit a response from a woman who hasn't responded favourably to their initial overture because it makes many women want to 'be kind' and feel they haven't upset someone.

I'm not saying there is anything untoward in what he did but don't ever assume good of a 'sweet old man' by virtue of the fact he seems sweet and is old.

Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 07:26

GreyCarpet · 02/12/2024 07:20

Tbh, other people seem to have an idea what it means - I haven't got a clue!

I also quite often just ignore ore memes if I don't understand them. They're a really irritating way for people to communicate!

Show quote history

I agree, I wish people would just speak plainly

OP posts:
SpryCat · 02/12/2024 07:34

I looked it up

Don’t waste your time explaining positive reasoning to negative people.

Maybe he meant that even though you didn’t answer the call from builder he then messaged you to get a reply instead of getting the hint you are not interested?

Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 07:37

SpryCat · 02/12/2024 07:34

I looked it up

Don’t waste your time explaining positive reasoning to negative people.

Maybe he meant that even though you didn’t answer the call from builder he then messaged you to get a reply instead of getting the hint you are not interested?

Edited

Yep that’s what I read when I looked it up. My friend’s partner has form for speaking in riddles though so I didn’t want to assume that’s how he meant it.

OP posts:
Agix · 02/12/2024 07:40

I understand the point of the meme and can't at all see how it relates to your situation.

Her partner seems strange.

TorroFerney · 02/12/2024 07:41

I think you need to explore why, when he sent that odd meme your first reaction was to think he was having a go/ you’d done something wrong or you were dim not understanding rather than to think what the fuck does that mean and ask him.

now full disclaimer I am in the first camp but my husband is in the second and I’ve realised it’s a much less emotionally fraught way to be!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/12/2024 07:42

I would think it’s about politics.

2weekwait · 02/12/2024 07:47

I wouldn’t even think about this twice. I always find it so odd how much other people think about other people and their actions. How do you get anything done in life? There must be something you are worried about daily with interactions with other people.

if you want to know ask, if you can’t ask then it’s not important enough or the person isn’t important enough.