Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the unreasonable here?

26 replies

Prignlesmonkey · 02/12/2024 06:38

Is it unreasonable of me to ask my in laws and brother in law to stop talking about my husband sister in law? I.e my husband will actually ask them to stop bringing her name around us as no longer exist to us.

We have found out she has said some horrid things about me, that I do not belong in my husband circle, I am not smart, nobody loves me, I need to change to be with my husband, whenever i have given her something that I have made at home, she has chunk it in the bin. She has spread some lies about me as well, basically turning people against me, even turning my husband little brother against us.

This has been going on for years, she has never spent actually any time with me, but has been going around and saying awful things about me. My in laws just told us because they have realised just now what was she doing.

My husband thinks it is not realist of us to ask these people to mention her name around us as it wont be possible, she is married to his older brother so people will always talk about her. His older brother also will not say anything to his wife as the family fears she will take the baby away and leave the older brother.

OP posts:
bluebeck · 02/12/2024 06:43

Yeah. That’s weird and controlling and you will be painting yourself as The Difficult One.

Basically you will be playing right into SILs hands.

Dimpliy · 02/12/2024 06:45

It depends on what you mean by them not talking about her.

It's unrealistic to expect them never to mention her name.

But yes, they shouldn't talk about her in detail e.g. a promotion at work, a big holiday.

What are they saying about her?

Sirzy · 02/12/2024 06:46

It’s your argument with her. It’s not fair to bring other people into it

Dimpliy · 02/12/2024 06:48

Sirzy · 02/12/2024 06:46

It’s your argument with her. It’s not fair to bring other people into it

It's not an argument, it's back biting, perhaps even bullying.

OK is entitled to support. If the in laws accept SIL's behaviour then they're effectively condoning it.

Original poster
Prignlesmonkey · 02/12/2024 06:49

@Dimpliy Sorry, I should have clarified. What I meant by them not mentioning her is that we don't want to know where she is going on a holiday, how much money she has spent on holiday.

OP posts:
JingleB · 02/12/2024 06:50

“We aren’t interested in hearing about her.” = reasonable

“Never mention her name in our presence.” = unreasonable

She’s the mother of their grandchildren and the wife of their eldest son, you can’t expect them to pretend she doesn’t exist when you’re around. That’s melodramatic.

It also elevates her into a someone more important - She Who Must Not Be Named - rather than that spiteful person you aren’t bothering with.

Dimpliy · 02/12/2024 06:51

Prignlesmonkey · 02/12/2024 06:49

@Dimpliy Sorry, I should have clarified. What I meant by them not mentioning her is that we don't want to know where she is going on a holiday, how much money she has spent on holiday.

Thanks, yes I agree with you. They shouldn't talk.about these things with you.

Has your DH asked them to stop?

How have the family tackled SIL's nasty behaviour? I would distance myself if they just ignore it.

Original poster
Prignlesmonkey · 02/12/2024 06:55

Dimpliy · 02/12/2024 06:51

Thanks, yes I agree with you. They shouldn't talk.about these things with you.

Has your DH asked them to stop?

How have the family tackled SIL's nasty behaviour? I would distance myself if they just ignore it.

Show quote history

They are coming to visit us my in laws so my DH is open and willing to ask them to stop. But he is concerned that they will still bring her name as it will not be possible to eliminate her name forever.

Nobody has said anything to my SIL and I do not think anyone will, which drives me crazy. Apparently it is not their job. My BIL who is married to the nasty SIL will not say anything to her as my DH think she might leave him and take the child away from him.

OP posts:
bloodynaps · 02/12/2024 06:59

Are they doing that to wind you up?

Original poster
Prignlesmonkey · 02/12/2024 07:04

bloodynaps · 02/12/2024 06:59

Are they doing that to wind you up?

My in laws or SIL?

My theory is that now my SIL that is not allowing them to spend any time with the baby and they cannot say anything to her nor she allows my BIL to go to his parents, they are going crazy. They are telling all of these things now after so many years, because they know I will not tolerate her crap and we will say something to my BIL about his wife.

My in laws do not want to speak about it with their son, so they want us to speak with older BIL. Messy situation.

OP posts:
Dimpliy · 02/12/2024 07:06

Prignlesmonkey · 02/12/2024 06:55

They are coming to visit us my in laws so my DH is open and willing to ask them to stop. But he is concerned that they will still bring her name as it will not be possible to eliminate her name forever.

Nobody has said anything to my SIL and I do not think anyone will, which drives me crazy. Apparently it is not their job. My BIL who is married to the nasty SIL will not say anything to her as my DH think she might leave him and take the child away from him.

Show quote history

Can you at least avoid BIL? If he visits you don't need to be in the room / home.

If he accepts his wife being rude to.you then you don't need to be welcome him in your house.

Original poster
Prignlesmonkey · 02/12/2024 07:08

Yeah, the thing is that we moved overseas and he is coming in few weeks time alone in our home for a several days.

I will try to avoid him, but of course, we will both speak with him about what has been happening and see how he takes it. Knowing him, he will most likely be unbothered.

OP posts:
bluebeck · 02/12/2024 07:09

You really need to drop the rope here @Prignlesmonkey

Dont get sucked into any interaction or conversation about SIL. Are you really unable to ignore her name being mentioned occasionally? Would it help if you and DH have a secret game around how many times SIL will be shoe horned in by PILS?

Just rise above it and get on with your life. Don’t get dragged into the muck.

Dimpliy · 02/12/2024 07:13

Prignlesmonkey · 02/12/2024 07:08

Yeah, the thing is that we moved overseas and he is coming in few weeks time alone in our home for a several days.

I will try to avoid him, but of course, we will both speak with him about what has been happening and see how he takes it. Knowing him, he will most likely be unbothered.

Why is he visiting so often and staying so long?

Who is cooking for him, washing bedsheets etc?

parababe · 02/12/2024 07:13

bluebeck · 02/12/2024 07:09

You really need to drop the rope here @Prignlesmonkey

Dont get sucked into any interaction or conversation about SIL. Are you really unable to ignore her name being mentioned occasionally? Would it help if you and DH have a secret game around how many times SIL will be shoe horned in by PILS?

Just rise above it and get on with your life. Don’t get dragged into the muck.

This!!!

ChristmasCarnage · 02/12/2024 07:15

She’s a bit of a bitch, not Voldemort. You can choose not to see her but you can’t dictate to other people.

Original poster
Prignlesmonkey · 02/12/2024 07:17

Dimpliy · 02/12/2024 07:13

Why is he visiting so often and staying so long?

Who is cooking for him, washing bedsheets etc?

Edited
Show quote history

He will be here only for 4 days. Probably the next time when he is here will be in a year time.

I have told my DH him to cook for his brother but i will be doing washing the bedsheets, cleaning the bathroom and the room that he will be using.

OP posts:
adensmith · 02/12/2024 07:20

Your sister-in-law is indeed a bit unreasonable, but it's probably hard not to bring her up.

Spirallingdownwards · 02/12/2024 07:20

If they mention her just say we really aren't interested in what she is up to thanks.

Or say "that's nice". And then change the subject. Every time. They will surely get the hint.

Spirallingdownwards · 02/12/2024 07:24

Prignlesmonkey · 02/12/2024 07:17

He will be here only for 4 days. Probably the next time when he is here will be in a year time.

I have told my DH him to cook for his brother but i will be doing washing the bedsheets, cleaning the bathroom and the room that he will be using.

Show quote history

Don't . If your DH wants him to stay your DH does it all. Why is he even letting him stay? If he wants him to then he does it all.

Original poster
Prignlesmonkey · 02/12/2024 07:30

Spirallingdownwards · 02/12/2024 07:24

Don't . If your DH wants him to stay your DH does it all. Why is he even letting him stay? If he wants him to then he does it all.

Edited
Show quote history

My DH feels sorry for him, so apparently coming into our new home will be great for him to get a fresh air and be far away from his wife.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 02/12/2024 07:34

Yabu. Just ignore all talk of SIl. You don't get to dictate your husband s family dynamics.

Theunamedcat · 02/12/2024 07:37

Quote Ross geller "anyway" change the subject or "that's nice" and change the subject don't give them anything to drag back with them there is always the chance they are shit stirring

Original poster
Prignlesmonkey · 02/12/2024 07:40

Theunamedcat · 02/12/2024 07:37

Quote Ross geller "anyway" change the subject or "that's nice" and change the subject don't give them anything to drag back with them there is always the chance they are shit stirring

Thank you! I have to admit that I did think and I am in between of shit stirring, but no idea why would they do such a thing.

OP posts:
CatMummyOf3 · 02/12/2024 07:44

Prignlesmonkey · 02/12/2024 07:04

My in laws or SIL?

My theory is that now my SIL that is not allowing them to spend any time with the baby and they cannot say anything to her nor she allows my BIL to go to his parents, they are going crazy. They are telling all of these things now after so many years, because they know I will not tolerate her crap and we will say something to my BIL about his wife.

My in laws do not want to speak about it with their son, so they want us to speak with older BIL. Messy situation.

Show quote history

So SIL has been speaking unkindly about you for years and you IL's have done nothing, but now that her behaviour is impacting them (withholding access to grandchild) it's your problem to solve? Screw that.

A bland "that's nice" every time she's mentioned and a change of subject would be how I dealt with it, and they can speak to their own bloody son about seeing the baby.